Fed up with DH's long friendship with former lover

[Affie]

Hello. I never post on here but need some unbiased advice and to get this off my chest.

We’ve been married for 15 years. Before we met my DH lived in a European city for five years where there was a close ex pat community and he had a three relationships with British women over that time, including with a married woman. Her split finally came after he returned to UK, nothing to do with him. He has maintained a friendship with her all this time, which I have felt was always one sided, ie he does the inviting she hardly makes contact eg even when in our town visiting her brother. He is not close to his family but certain friendships from the past are important to him.

DH returns to this city every 6-9 months for work, she still lives there. We have 3 children & I work too so I stay home – I have been a few times but it’s not easy as we have poor childcare. This is how they have maintained their friendship, when perhaps for other people it might have faded away.

I am a jealous person and I have accommodated this friendship for 15 yrs + but in recent years it has got me down, she is very popular in this wider friendship group and with his colleagues – they meet up socially. I’m jealous of her lively personality and good looks and as well as the sympathy he gives to her problems (divorce, dealing with children and elderly parents).

Even though he knows I don’t like him seeing her, earlier this year he invited her and other people for a weekend in a rental house at the coast after a work trip, but hid from me she was going, and texted me when she arrived pretending it was a surprise, that she had come with others in the group. I went to his emails and found his email to her inviting her along before he left the UK.

When he came home I confronted him – he was sorry, he got in a muddle cos he knew I wouldn't like her going! I know there is no sexual relationship between them – I just hate it that he cares about her so much, and also that at one point in their lives she cheated on her husband with him. I don’t want her in his life any more. But it’s awkward. If he tells her he can’t see her any more the whole group will find out and people will think I’m paranoid and it makes me feel ashamed. One thing about all this is I think me and DH don’t get enough time on our own – don’t have enough fun – yet she benefits from these trips. I have told him this. I have to say though, otherwise we are happy, it's just this rears its head up around his work trips.

After the coast trip I asked him – and he agreed – not to see her on his own, not to initiate contact. He just returned from a trip there and saw her only briefly for dinner in the larger group. He says he doesn’t like me being upset about it but he doesn’t know what to do. I hate asking him – how long was she there – did you go on for drinks elsewhere etc etc although I have asked him to be open he doesn’t tell me unless I ask. Today she’s emailed asking for his help with a fundraising project. I’ve had enough. I just want her to go away.

Thanks everyone.

Hello everyone thanks for replying. I'm so un-techy about posting I wasn't sure it had even gone up cos I couldn't see it.

I'm skim reading cos supposed to be working from home -
Sassy is dead right about my low self esteem here. Also that he is the problem, not her. And the lies he told - for which he is ashamed. And he has been open about all contact since, yes Leopard re the fundraising email.

I believe him when he says it's not sexual - simple as that. And I know the people in the group and such a betrayal would get out. And yes I will go in February. But money / childcare over a weekend is an issue for us, as both my parents are dead.

The fund raising thing she's asked help for is personal - she is single now with grown up children and does a lot of campaigning work - she is so marvellous. I presume LTB means Leave the Bastard, I don't want that.

Botanicbaby I kind of agree about him only seeing her in the group - but he had so much freedom from me for over the years when I accommodated this relationship but the visit to the coast when I was at home w/ children was one step too much for me!

Last time we had a good chat I asked him

1. don't make initial contact from now on 2) don't see her alone 3) tell me when you are going to see her. He reluctantly agreed, but in this last trip said he had to invite her along with the wider group otherwise it would look odd that she was being excluded. She's posted on FB how great it was to see him.

The reason I posted yesterday is cos it's still upsetting me.

I'm going to pull out a few things from these replies and have a good talk with him.

Thanks everyone. I have not talked to friends about this because I feel very exposed, but appreciate the anonymous advice here. Jealousy is a real pig.

I think there are some quite positive aspects in your last post namely that he is ashamed,has shown he is capable of being open, and has invited you along next time.

Don't punish yourself about being jealous though,I really don't think you are being.You have been really reasonable caring for the children and facilitating his trips.Hoping for honesty within a marriage isn't an unreasonable expectation.

I don't know why I am offering advice as I can't resolve my own issue. I have decided that whilst the initial facts you outlined are superficially similar you have a number of distinguishing factors.Your DH hasn't lied repeatedly,your DH doesn't always proactively initiate the contact.Also yours sees the woman mostly in a group,by contrast with mine, it is always just the two of them, and mine has not managed spontaneously to tell me about a meeting once.These are a big distinguishing factors, and I think yours shows signs of being able to behave maturely and openly with encouragement,not that you should have to encourage him, it should be a given.

Good for you OP. You sound much more positive. Jealousy is a horrible emotion, for both parties. It churns you up inside and can wreck your own beliefs making you believe things that you KNOW to be untrue and illogical. Imho it is exacerbated if you are out of the loop, ie he is out with his group and you are left at home leaving your imagination to run riot. My advice is too get in the loop.. plan ahead and save up for a babysitter for the next get together, seeing her with him and friends and reaffirming to yourself that the relationship is nothing for you to worry about should ease your mind. And yes, talk to him especially about the lie and explain that whilst your jealousy of this relationship maybe illogical, you struggle with it but would always rather know the truth.

I think you are completely justified - this is a woman he had a sexual relationship with and is hell bent on keeping in touch, yes you can have friends but he's going to some lengths to ensure they keep in touch, that's a worry I would say, what's so special about her, you should be his best friend, not his ex!

He visits her town on his own, again, what's to like about that - you say it's not sexual, how do you know, you don't, he's already lying to you about her, almost like her feelings are more important that yours, or, in fact the contact he keeps with her is.

How would he like it if it was you doing this?

Maybe I'm being harsh but why would you keep contact with an ex unless you still had remaining issues/feelings about that relationship.

It's a tricky one but please don't take his word, he's already lied.

Jan45, yes, i've not put that to him - how would he like it. He doesn't get jealous though. One reason I'm sure it's not sexual is because he stays with a male friend when he is there, not with in a hotel.

the reason he wants to stay in touch with her is because after his relationship with her ended, before I came on the scene, he continued to be friends with her. He had other girlfriends afterwards who were fine with this - though this was when they were all abroad.

We met and married in the UK afterwards, leaving them all behind. HIs friends from the past are important to him, in a way I've not noticed really with my friends' husbands, because he is not close to his family.

As I said before, I have accommodated this relationship for a long time and that's why he thinks he should be able to continue it.

I'm going to make more of an effort to get in the loop, and be with him - she riles me cos she is pretty/lively/has lovely clothes. but money/childcare aaarggghhh.

Affie I don't recommend you do the pick me dance to keep your husband's eye off another woman

How humiliating is that ?

I don't think having to set out guidelines about when and where to see her and under what circumstances is normal She has more status than a regular friend and it does sound more like an affair to me.

I had something vaguely similar to this.

I told DP it made me feel uncomfortable.

He dropped her, because it made me feel uncomfortable.

I've edited that story so much that it is utterly unrecognisable and makes me look a prick, but I don't mind because the point I want to make stands, which is: DP put my feelings before his desire to remain in contact with an ex. Nobody should expect anything less. You should be the most important person in each other's lives, and each other's top priority, or else what's the point?

(Within reason. If I decided all friendships with females were off limits, I'd expect to be chucked, of course)

Thing is OP, you said it's him who has gone all out to keep in touch with her, she doesn't instigate, he does, that to me tells me it's a pretty one sided friendship. Also, she's not even in the same town, has he not got friends around him so to speak, that he has to cling on to an ex instead?

Sorry but it's sounding fishier by the minute.

Well said Punygod

And, stop letting his disrespect of you morph into you hating her, for what's she got etc....your issue's with him, not her!

Yep, it plays right into his hands to whip this up into a bitchfight, doesn't it

He gets to sit pretty doing what he likes, while you seethe about a woman that isn't the actual problem

It can get you like that, though, Anyfucker, when you're not being listened to.

I can understand the OP's feelings, seeing Ms Shinyhair on FB while she's at home looking after the children. I bet OP just wants her to fuck the fuck off.

I have experienced a very similar situation.
Had been with DP 5 years. He is friendly with ex, she constantly asked about me (without actually making any effort to get to know me) and he took an interest in her new loves. There didn't seem to be any other basis for their conversation, no shared interests, etc. This made me uncomfortable and I asked him to stop contacting her - he refused.
Fast forward 5 years and I found texts going back years telling her intimate information about our sex life and asking about hers (preferred positions, for example). It made me sick to my stomach. To this day, I have no idea what he "got" out of it because I am pretty sure they were not actually shagging (but I could be wrong).
Anyhoo, with hindsight I should have taken the exact approach that punygod suggests above.

gosh head spinning with all the advice but puny god thanks for the laugh out loud : I bet OP just wants her to fuck the fuck off - too true ! But actually like Jan '45 says - my issue is with him, not her.

Old Farticus thanks - I have looked at his texts and emails and there is nothing like yr experience. I try not to look any more as it makes me feel unwell.

Since the trip to the coast this year he has not contacted her - she has sent a couple of messages saying not heard from you one on FB and via another friend - until this recent trip back. Anyhow I'm going on the next trip and Any Fucker, no, I am not doing the pick me dance.

But you are going to keep an eye on him, aren't you ?

I agree, your issue is with him. You 're only human though

I am going on the Feb trip so we are doing things together really, it will be a laugh and show a united front. I don't know what goes on in her head. For all the moaning we're actually close.

It's not a "united front" if it's all coming from you ie. going along on the trip to stake your claim on your man

his behaviour is actually the opposite of the definition of "united front" as he is using the technique of divide and conquer, and letting you get all uselessly angry at another woman when he could easily put a stop to all of it

I am not saying this to be mean to you (I am on your side) but I do think you should delve more deeply into why you are reacting as you do

What goes on in her head - his you mean surely?

as you are sorry I edited one half of the sentence and not the other

Problem is once a person lies to you they have sewn that seed of doubt in your mind, whether innocent or not, it's there now.

and I forgot the end of it but mostly why he is behaving as he is

OP, I totally understand how you must be feeling - my situation was practically the same - however it was his special group of 'uni friends' - very close nit group, and of course he had a 4 year relationship with one of them prior to us . So I never really got included whenever they met up (they live all over the uk). However, after years of no real contact he started contact with his ex, facebook, twitter, Skype - all of it.

He lied (or didn't disclose the fact that he invited her to a concert), he said he was going with a male uni friend. I found his email to her inviting her along too.

If I ever mentioned her, I was always told they were 'just friends' and I was jealous, and he cared about her as a friend and wouldn't not see her. (I never asked him not too - there was no point and I would only look like a jealous cow)

Guess what ........ our 9 year relationship ended and they got back together. However, that didn't last and they are now -'just friends' and he is now shagging another old 'friend'.

The best thing is that now we have finally ended the relationship, I am free of all that fretting and upset.

It is very hard not to be jealous when your partners enjoys a good (and close) friendship with someone who seems to be everything that you are not (I'm saying this about me - not you!)

Good luck xxx

OP I would suggest you leave this thread as soon as possible because if you struggle with self-esteem the usual suspects will warp your mind before you can cook supper ! They see affairs around every corner and your husband so much as looking at another woman let alone spend time with them will have you believing he's about to run off into the sunset with her...from what you've said he has a perfectly normal relationship with someone he used to go out with. So do I and my Dh . However he chose you and you chose him. He could have rekindled his relationship with her if either she or he were willing but he hasn't and suggesting that he is /was is nonsense. Save up for a night out with them all and enjoy !

"Usual suspects" ? That sounds a bit goady.