Those of you who've had an EA relationship, how long...

[IsThereSunshineAfterTheRain]

Did it take you to get over it?

Long or short answers please......

Two years in my case. Still get 'what was I thinking' moments 20 years on.

It took me about 2 1/2 years.

Do you mean how long until you are happy again or how long until you feel ready to trust someone again? (I don't know the answers to either but am watching with interest)

I'm 15 months post-separation after 23 years together and still only just scratching the surface of getting over it. I feel damaged and like I've been living in a parallel universe to the rest of the world for a long time.

Time is healing me but it's going to be a long time before I feel like the 'real'me.

Define "over it"

It's been about 5 years since I was with an emotional/physically abusive man. I'm really happy with a loving partner and a son. BUT I think about my ex several times a day and vividly dream about him almost every night, dreams won't let it go.

So in short, happy now yes, over it - perhaps never.

Thanks for replies so far....helps put things in perspective.

Interesting about the question of definitions of 'over it' I guess it could mean different things for different people.

Examples could be:

1. feel like self again
2. feel happy
3. feel open to trusting people
4. relationship no longer negatively affects you / outlook
5. all of the above

I guess some people will feel it always affects them to some degree? But at a small manageable level?

The EA relationship I had in my teens still affects my thought processes, my attitudes and my interactions with the world 30 years on. Some of the effects are beneficial to me now, it has to be said.

Yes I still dream about him most nights, I thought it's my brain processing ??

it's mainly going over the past or weird ones where we've got back together and in my dream I'm thinking how the f* did this happen??

To be perfectly honest? Almost immediately. Had been together two and a half years, had started putting the pieces together after about two years then the last 6 months were spent (together) in counselling, more for my benefit to confirm my suspicions and also, weirdly, so I could say "I did all I could". Final two months were spent planning my escape route and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief and joy when I landed at my new accommodation.

Put me off relationships and swore I would not leap in heart-first ever again. That lasted 8 weeks until I met the man I have been married to for 14 years.

We were together 14 years. Married with 2 dc. I've been separated 16 months. Been in counselling and come a long way. I have learned a lot with hindsight about our relationship and about myself.

Because of the kids and need for maintenance and contact he can still throw me curve balls. I would like to erase him from my life but it ain't that simple.

Have just met the most wonderful fella however. We've been dating two months and he is fab. I NEVER thought I would be in a place where that would happen.......

OOoo, HW, s'excitin'

Was with him for 16yrs. Left 23yrs ago. Will never get over it. Still have nightmares where he simply won't leave, has no comprehension that I don't want him in my soulspace.

HW how do you trust yourself with another man? I am 1 year out of an EA marriage. I feel happy but definitely not over it - bad memories, flashbacks, stress and insomnia when I need to deal with him about DC or the divorce. I am seeing a really kind man but feel very distrustful as I have repeatedly chosen crap men and feel like I have very poor judgement or I would not have ignored the red flags and put up with it all. So wondering how others have got "over" the aspect of no confidence in one's own decision making? And how they got there?

creative

I think, for me, mine was so obviously EA (well, it was obvious to friends/family and eventually me. I'd obviously made excuses to myself about his behaviour previously), it made it easier to disconnect? Plus we'd been together for a relatively short space of time compared to some.

And when I met my now DH, again I think luck was involved. But I did take a flying leap of trust as I felt that "when you know, you know" sensation.

I think for me the key was learning about myself and unpicking the past and present situation with a counsellor and friends. We have discussed the models I had growing up, the person I am I relationships, the dynamics of the EA marriage.

In relation to trusting someone again, I totally thought I would not be able to do this. But I've met a wonderful man (total luck) and for me and everything has followed. I made myself be assertive with him in the beginning. I deliberately quizzed him about his past etc. it took me longer to let my guard down and I am still 'vigilant' in this relationship and keep checking myself but it is going great and he is fab!

Handywoman thanx for post - it is encouraging!

I can relate to you creative I'm still in stage where I don't trust myself or other people really!

I feel like I've had blinkers on almost my whole life....my upbringing was dysfunctional, I used to think that if no physical abuse then relationship either healthy or just not compatible. When I realised how much of an abusive twat my ex was and worse still he knew what he was doing it was sickening to say the least! I looked around my friends and realised they are all in pretty messed up relationships and either quite self absorbed or find supporting me difficult as me talking about it questions their perceptions of their relationships...."it's just married life" my friend told me. Erm I don't think so!!

My view of the world and my own judgement has taken such a battering...

Sunshine my upbringing was highly dysfunctional too. I was totally set up and trained superbly for the abuse I thought was normal behaviour. Any problems were all "mine". When I eventually got out the flashbacks were horrendous, the anorexia nearly killed me and the breakdown was impressive.

After that I embarked on another LTR that was loving but equally disastrous and ended in his death. Two more deaths and the gradual realisation that, alive or dead, the only men I attract are psychos and/or so utterly needy as to be emotional vampires wanting me to fix, complete or otherwise nurture them.

I have truly never met a man who I could call "healthy" or even "healthily incompatible" ...

So now I'm grumpily happy as a mad catlady. I smile and am genuinely happy inside, my soul is free. But I don't think Mr Right is in my galaxy this time round.

As for trusting. I don't need to trust or distrust anyone. I don't see "trust" as a thing I have to do. If someone/anyone is wearing a mask it will slip and I will see what's behind it. Then I will make a choice of stay or go. Does that make sense?

Yes tipsy, makes sense. My record of going when the mask slips is pretty poor though.

Part of the horror of leaving my ex has been realising that my parents' marriage was abusive and my mother is being emotionally abused by her current husband. Realising how utterly dysfunctional my upbringing was has been devastating and contributed to my lack of confidence in my own decision making and fear that I will get sucked into another abusive situation.

Mad cat lady sounds pretty good,actually.

Good question.

I had a childhood which wasn't entirely dysfunctional but there was some trauma and abuse.

I split from my horribly cruel and spiteful EA ex 9 years ago and I'm still processing it. I'm not sure I will ever have another relationship as I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again.

Separated five years ago, still not over it. Won't ever be I don't think and I certainly could never trust a man again. My relationship days are over.

Also, like others here, I have no confidence in my ability to choose a decent partner, so it's easier to simply not bother.

creative totally get where you are coming from...do you think it's just a time thing tho? Other posters have said 2 - 2.5 years...you may fell a lot different a year or eighteen months down the line? I'm hoping that for myself at least...I can understand why some people stay in denial!

flippinada do you have other good relationships though? Are you happy? I'm guessing people don't have to have a partner to feel ok?