Those of you who've had an EA relationship, how long...

[IsThereSunshineAfterTheRain]

Did it take you to get over it?

Long or short answers please......

I think people stay in denial because once you start dealing with it properly, that opens up a whole can of worms.

For me, I think the worst aspect was the realisation that someone who I had loved very much never loved me at all, and simply saw me as a prop to be discarded once I reached the end of my usefulness.

I don't know about happy, but I'm definitely content - I realise that I sound a bit Miss Havisham, but this is just one aspect of my life.

I have some wonderful friendships, a DS who I love very much, a secure home and job, and a good relationship with my maternal family ; all things which money can't buy (with the exception of a home of course) so I have more to be grateful for than many people:).

Sunshine, I think time heals a lot. A year ago today I was in a complete state. I am happy most of the time now, and feel like I have myself back. I bet in another year I will feel even better.

I guess the thing is I am away from the immediate cause of pain, and now I am looking at underlying causes. Fixing the damage of a lifetime feels difficult and I can't bear the thought of ever being in a similar position again. I look at my mother and feel that she has ruined her life. I am so afraid.

I am seeing a man who is very nice to me. I am trying to be vigilant,not let things slide, but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I wonder whether mad cat lady is actually the best way to go for someone like me who is damaged and vulnerable.

creative I know that my mind has been overwhelmed by an unquantifiable amount of EA starting in childhood. BUT I'm not going to leave life with that as my epitaph. There's more to Me than that. There's Who I've become because of all that shit.

I'm going to leave with a zillion cats happy and fulfilled, saved from the callous nature of humans. I'm going to leave a son who knows what Love is and how to commune with stars. I leave some feisty poetry and a sink full of washing up that I can't be arsed to do (because it doesn't matter!)

You've had your knocks, got your scars. You're wiser than if the shit had never happened, which makes you a guide for others who might get stung. You are always more than whatever damage you retain. Scar tissue is strong stuff.

So, apart from the damage and vulnerability what else is there of YOU?

Don't wait for the shoe to drop (ages since I heard that) ... if it drops you'll hear it. Let that be enough ... trust yourself. Be happy ...

Thanks Tipsy

I left him five and a half years ago but had been planning to leave for a long time prior to that and had properly emotionally detached several months beforehand.

Got together with now dh almost immediately afterwards. I wouldn't advise doing that though but he is a friend I'd known (in touch periodically) for years and we have mutual, very close friends in common.

It helps that his father (with whom he is nc) was also ea and so he understands what I was going through - I have had many a cathartic whiskey with my lovely mil too.

There were a few incidents when I've freaked out, usually if I'd broken/dropped something and am almost out of the habit of apologising for everything but I'd say am pretty much there. There are some scars and odd triggers but never dreamed Is be in such a happy contented place now.

Only thing is still have to deal with the ex regarding contact for dd1. That can sometimes put me in a bad mood but only because of sheer frustration at his uselessness. I now see him for the sad, inadequate twat he is and know that he has no power over me or my future.

Took me about 1 year and 1/2 to feel happy again, and 3 and 1/2 to really no longer give a shit, to feel whole and confident and awesome, and to barely remember that the relationship had happened at all.

The process of healing from the relationship changed me a great deal, so it really feels like another life.