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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too scared to splilt from DH? What if noone else wants me?

40 replies

confusedmum2one · 29/09/2006 23:18

Hi everyone

I'm really stuck at the moment. I had another thread about my DH doing some things that hurt me, I wasn't sure if I was overreacting but I know I wasn't/aren't.

He's out tonight with a (male) friend, I doubt he'll be home before 4am and it's giving me time to really think about what I want.

Our DD is 8 months old and I although things have really improved between DH and I I'm really not happy/content with our marriage. If I'm honest I think I've fallen out of love with him. I love him in a way because he's the father of my fantastic daughter and we've been together for around 11 yrs. I'm scared to end it though, what if this is the best relationship I'll ever have? Is that reason enough to stay together? (for those that didn't see the other thread - he basically had a crush on a girl at work and sent some emails and texts, not outrageous ones but flirty and they really hurt me especially as DH lied to me about something in the email which I didn't know until I read the email. He's also been "relieving" himself when he thinks I'm asleep/as soon as I leave the room and generally hasn't been loving towards me at all).

I wonder if other people are happier than us, or do most people just muddle on? Because of the above, I don't really trust him and I'm sitting here with a glass of wine whilst he's out with a single guy pal in the city, surrounded by women no doubt and then he'll go on to a club, he'll be getting soooo drunk that he might just make it home at some point. I don't begrudge him his nights out but he seems so immature sometimes, he necks shots and will get so drunk he has no control. He's 35! I like to go out and have a good time which involves some drinks but not to his extent. I feel really bad for saying this but I'm really not attracted to the man that is out boozing tonight.

Arrgh I'm sorry to go on, I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I want to meet someone more suited to my interests/ideals/ambitions but is that person out there?! I think I might have the "grass is greener" syndrome.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 29/09/2006 23:21

Ypu'll be on your own for a while, it'll be shit, then you'll enjoy it, then you'll feel the need, you'll start dtaing (vaiuos ways to do this, internet quite popular) and you'' love the attention tat new prospective males give you and you'll be in your element. Then you'll meet someone who is worthy.

If, ^if& you are truly not happy now.

That's my opinion on how it'll go for you

Judy1234 · 29/09/2006 23:30

I don't think there are enough reasons there to break up a marriage if you're asking for views. Certainly if he's going out you should be allowed a similar amount of time out (even just exercising that right might curtail his own nights out). I divorced because the children wanted it and things were absolutely unbearable at home, bits of violence etc and I didn't really have a choice.

Can you not have a good talk to him about how you feel and may be both go to some marriage counselling?

Original poster
confusedmum2one · 30/09/2006 09:48

Thanks TC and Xenia

Last night I was feeling particulary down about our relationship and had a really horrible feeling that this would be me in the same situation in years to come and I'd look back and think "if only I'd left then". I know I've got more staying power than this though so reading back my post you're right Xenia, these are hardly grounds for divorce.

I know you need to work at marriage and we have been, we just seem so different now to how we were before DD. DH wants different things to me and I was wondering how much of a compromise our lives should be?

He got in at 4.40am this morning, that's also where we differ - i like a night out but think that getting in at that hour is living more like a student. I was up with DD when he got in and when I got back into bed he was saying "sorry I'm so late" I just said glad you got home ok and he snipped "I'm a fully grown man" then he said he'd tried to get a cab at 12.30 but they didn't have one and tried again at 2.30 and still none... I asked why he didn't book one at 12.30 (for 2/3am) and he said they didn't give him that option. I've just checked his mobile and he only called the cab at 2.33am - why did he bother to lie about calling them at 12.30?

We are in a bad habit at the moment of always having a disagreement/niggle of some sort everyday and it's just so waring.

OP posts:
sleepinbeauty · 30/09/2006 11:52

You check his mobile??
doesnt he deserve a little privacy? no wonder he goes out til late and has to tell fibs!

noddyholder · 30/09/2006 11:54

This isn't the best relationship you'll ever have or you wouldn't be on here saying you are discontent with it.Does he feel the same about you ?

Blu · 30/09/2006 12:16

Fear of not getting anyone 'better' is not a good reason to stay in a relatoinship, unless you think that you are only good enough for second or third rate men, including those who may be abusive or violent.

There may be many many reasons to try and make a relationship work - but if it is just because you are afraid to be alone, you are saying that you are as 'not good enough' as the person you are with.

Find your strength, decide what you want, and get the suport you need. From HV, MN, friends, or whoever.

suedenley · 30/09/2006 13:50

I agree staying with someone because it may be the best relationship you ever have isnt right for you or for your dh. I always say that you only have one life there are no second chances , you dont get to come back and try it again so do what ever it takes for you to be happy,.Good luck confusedmum2one

Fiona365 · 30/09/2006 14:44

It's very hard and I totally sympathise, as I'm in a similar situation, except there was adultery, then when I was pregnant there was an "affair" by email/text etc.

We have had counselling, and although it has helped a bit with communication, and understanding why I am the way I am, it hasn't changed much about the relationship.

He's still in touch with this woman as a "friend". I don't trust her motives - she has been known to send inappropriate text messages when drunk (and yes, I check his mobile phone as I have such little trust in him).

I can't cope with it, and have just told him that we should probably have some time apart, as it's pushing me towards depression.

It's a really tough decision, though and you have my sympathy, as I too don't really know what to do. At what point does "for better and for worse" become unrealistic?

Pinotmum · 30/09/2006 14:54

If you feel you have to check his mobile then there's a trust issue and personally if I couldn't trust someone I really couldn't be in a relationship with them because it would mess with my head. He is making you check up on him with his behaviour. You need to talk to him and if your decision is to leave then go.

Rocklover · 30/09/2006 16:00

Confused...this is so hard, I totally empathise with you; I cannot tell you to stay or go, I can only share my experiences.

I have just been through this myself and after me being unhappy for around 2 years my husband (totally to my suprise) ended the marriage for me (although is now trying to reverse his decison). I posted loads on here and another site and the majority of replies told me not to give up, try harder for the sake of my child etc. However, the moment we decided to split a great weight was lifted off my shoulders and although it's been hard I truly now know that I did the right thing.

What I am trying to say is, you can ask for people's opinions, but the only person you need to listen to is yourself and do what you need to do. Just make sure you have a support network around you and get as much info as you can (i.e benefits, divorce proceedings etc).

Good luck whatever you decide for you and your LO.

sleepfinder · 30/09/2006 16:04

I'm really sorry to say this, but it sounds like he's not mature enough for the life he's found himself in.

If you leave now, you'll have a chance to escape what sounds like a totally doomed relationship (he's RELIEVING himself?!?) and move on.

I wouldn't look for an immediate relationship replacement, but give yourself time to meet other men and decide what it is you're looking for in the next one.

If a 35 yr old man wants to go out and get bladdered and trail home at 4 in the morning when he has a wife and an 8 month child, he is not just sad but pretty hopeless. Sorry if that sounds harsh...

80sMum · 30/09/2006 16:14

Ooh suedenley, I'm not sure I agree with you when you say "do what ever it takes for you to be happy."
That sounds a bit too self-seeking to me. What about commitment, honour, integrity and duty? Do they not count any more?

Rocklover · 30/09/2006 16:26

80s Mum, honour, integrity and duty

Since when when did marriage become a military operation? Who on earth wants to be in a relationship for duty? Duty is something that you do for your country, not your partner, (or is that why we lie back and think of England?).

suedenley · 30/09/2006 16:37

Hi 80smum
Yes all thouse things are important, but you cant go on living a life thats making you very unhappy ,especially in a relationship where there isnt mutual commiment honour and integrity .I dont think duty comes into it no one has a duty to stay with someone who makes them unhappy. I certainly wouldnt, what is it they say about being on your death bed, its better to regret the things you did rather than the things you didnt .
At the end of the day though its not something anyone can advise you on confusedmum2one only you yourself can know what your relationship is and wether you want to save it or not and a desision like this when kids are involved is very difficult so good luck to you i hope everything works out for you

suedenley · 30/09/2006 16:39

Lol rocklover

jabberwocky · 30/09/2006 16:43

Sounds like some counselling is in order for his drinking and the sexual issues. With an 8 month old, I would consider leaving a final resort after that. You also may want to look into whether you have any depression issues that are making things worse. I only say this b/c my PND didn't really kick in until about 6 months and everything seemed much worse during that time. I frequently considered leaving dh simply because I was so depressed I couldn't imagine staying in my current situation.

frenchconnection · 30/09/2006 16:43

at "honour, integrity, and DUTY"!!!!!!
Who in their right mind thinks duty of any relevance in today's society/relationships? AAh my feminist brain is bubbling....

Original poster
confusedmum2one · 30/09/2006 17:28

Thanks everyone for your opinions and comments. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone in RL about this so recently have been posting on MN (usually use other parts of MN but not relationships).

I'm going to lay my cards on the table tonight and see how we go.

OP posts:
Fiona365 · 30/09/2006 17:40

Good luck, I hope you work out what you want.

Judy1234 · 30/09/2006 18:23

I think those sorts of conversations can work well when you both say what you're not happy with. He may be finding it very hard to accept life has changed because there's a child and you both may be in a habit of just being nasty to the other person.

It may be no easier if you were on your own with the child, except you might have no money and no chance to find anyone else.

Pann · 30/09/2006 18:32

Am aware of the other thread, confused.

Yes, ignore, if you will, the honour-duty stuff.More reasons than there is time to go into.

tbh, it sounds more like he is the one running away from his life. And, he is shoving the responsibility to do something about it onto you.

Don't know when the 'laying of cards' will happen, but lay them carefully, and listen VERY carefully to what he says and doesn't say.

Do please post on what develops? And separation is a process, and not an event. And you will be fine whatever happens because you are brave.

mum2monkeys · 30/09/2006 18:34

Sorry if this is the wrong thing to say but can't understand why no one has mentioned that you have an 8mth old baby - it does take time to get used to the idea of being part of a family rather than a couple - it changes everything.....
My DP freaked out when our dd was about 8mths - told me he didn't love me anymore etc, he basically wasn't coping with he responsibility of being a parent/provider, anyway after what felt like the longest 6 mths of my life we sorted things out, we now have a beautiful DS an have never been happier, there have been some truly horrible times, and I've looked at my DP and wondered how I could ever love a man who could behave the way he did, but we came out the other side stronger.......please give yourselves some more time.
Fwiw my dp was 38 when he started behaving like a prat even took a pill at New Years

mum2monkeys · 30/09/2006 18:36

Sorry X writing as you were posting.

SSSandy · 30/09/2006 18:49

If you were more or less content together for 11 years, I really do feel that it is the baby that is the problem for him at the moment. He may be in a bit of panic about being settled and having so much responsiblity. Or was he always that way and is it you who has changed since having the baby? Are you wanting a more settled, homely life now that what you and he had before?

I think becoming a family as opposed to a couple really does take a bit of time to work. Certainly for me it did, it has to click into place and everyone has to get used to their new roles.

shhhh · 30/09/2006 21:26

"he necks shots and will get so drunk he has no control. He's 35!"

Can't advise you on the relationship side of thing BUT i know what you mean about the above comment. My dh is the same although he's 30 but its still shocks me to see the state he gets into. TBH I think that although not all men are like this the majority who do go out and drink do it to excess. Like you I to love a drink BUT at lest i'm guaranteed home by 2am and not found asleep in someones garden..!

I think before you may any rash decisions, you need to sit down and discuss things further. You have a gorgeous dd who I;m sure you both dote on and maybe your dh is letting off steam..well thats what my dh calls it.
Being a parent for the 1st (and maybe 2nd/3rd/4th etc) time is life changing and a huge change. You are only 8 months into this change. Personally I would give it longer. To throw away 11 years worth of commitement etc when your dd is only months old would be a shame. Please discuss things further tomorrow. Let us know how things go. xx