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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Too scared to splilt from DH? What if noone else wants me?

40 replies

confusedmum2one · 29/09/2006 23:18

Hi everyone

I'm really stuck at the moment. I had another thread about my DH doing some things that hurt me, I wasn't sure if I was overreacting but I know I wasn't/aren't.

He's out tonight with a (male) friend, I doubt he'll be home before 4am and it's giving me time to really think about what I want.

Our DD is 8 months old and I although things have really improved between DH and I I'm really not happy/content with our marriage. If I'm honest I think I've fallen out of love with him. I love him in a way because he's the father of my fantastic daughter and we've been together for around 11 yrs. I'm scared to end it though, what if this is the best relationship I'll ever have? Is that reason enough to stay together? (for those that didn't see the other thread - he basically had a crush on a girl at work and sent some emails and texts, not outrageous ones but flirty and they really hurt me especially as DH lied to me about something in the email which I didn't know until I read the email. He's also been "relieving" himself when he thinks I'm asleep/as soon as I leave the room and generally hasn't been loving towards me at all).

I wonder if other people are happier than us, or do most people just muddle on? Because of the above, I don't really trust him and I'm sitting here with a glass of wine whilst he's out with a single guy pal in the city, surrounded by women no doubt and then he'll go on to a club, he'll be getting soooo drunk that he might just make it home at some point. I don't begrudge him his nights out but he seems so immature sometimes, he necks shots and will get so drunk he has no control. He's 35! I like to go out and have a good time which involves some drinks but not to his extent. I feel really bad for saying this but I'm really not attracted to the man that is out boozing tonight.

Arrgh I'm sorry to go on, I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I want to meet someone more suited to my interests/ideals/ambitions but is that person out there?! I think I might have the "grass is greener" syndrome.

OP posts:

shhhh · 30/09/2006 21:31

just read sss post and I agree. When we had dd 16 months ago I would have ben happy to never go out again and tbh I;m the same now. I'm expecting ds2b and again if I never go out clubbing etc wouldn't bother me BUT I think things are differnt for men. Somehow they need to go out to fell young again. BUT I on the otherhand just need dh to feel young again. I am more than happy to sit at home with a glas or two of wine or for us to go out alone for a meal...yeah I love girls nights out but I don't crave them like dh does.

ATM we are in agreement with the times he does go out. I suppose he needs it more than I do bu that said he does only go out every few months.BUT I am prepared for a huge bender..BTW he's out tonight....Miss him more than anything.

Rocklover · 30/09/2006 22:22

Part of the reason I my DH and I split was because he couldn't cope with DD and also, as we had moved alot, we didn't really have a friend network. So I agree with the previous replies, you need to talk to him about how he feels since your DS has arrived.

I think that the drinking is possibly not a serious issue..yet, but the irresponsibility is, he needs to grow up a bit. In my marriage it was the opposite that made life difficult, that OH didn't go out enough, however, that was something I had no control over, I couldn't find friends for him!

Maybe you should try counselling if he has a hard time communicating with you, having a baby is the most stressful time of your life, and for some reason women (mostly) seem to have an easier transition into parenthood than the men!

Good luck!

Rocklover · 30/09/2006 22:23

oops sorry...I meant your DD not DS

Daisypops · 30/09/2006 23:33

Confused- he could have tried ringing a taxi at 12.30am then tried again at 2.33am, it would be the 2.33am time that showed on his phone IYSWIM. I wouldn't make any quick decisions, every relationship goes thru bad patches, some longer than others. My DP went thru a 'mid life crisis' last year and drank so much he didn't know what he was doing. We were on holiday together and he went out from 4pm til 8am the next day, this aswell as other unacceptable behaviour made it horrendous for me, although I did tolerate it for 3 months in the new year I couldnt take anymore. Its easier said than done but you have to take the rough with the smooth. We seperated for a while but my life without him was unbearable. We are now back together, very happy and expecting a baby. He has calmed down lots but I am always on my guard for another mid life crisis! Thats blokes. I suppose what I'm saying is don't rush in to anything, maybe hes having trouble accepting fatherhood. Communication is so importnant, can you have a chat and not stop talking until you have come to an understanding?. Thinking of you. Let us know. xx

shhhh · 01/10/2006 00:06

rocklover "that was something I had no control over, I couldn't find friends for him!" rofl..!!!! Visions of you aranging meetups with potential friends.."Now this is dh, do you fancy being friends with him..?"!!!!

I agree as well with the comment about women usually taking to motherhood better than men. Maybe thats got something to do with the fact that we have 9 months to prepare..! Its with us 24/7 where as dh's don't have a huge bump to remind them of whats happening in x months time.! .

Blondilocks · 01/10/2006 00:35

FWIW my phone shows the latest call made to a number rather than a list of all calls to a number. It'll only show the same number twice if it is a different kind of call - eg. a missed call or a received call as well as a dialled call.

Rocklover · 01/10/2006 12:05

Shhh, lol! Maybe I should have put an ad out and interviewed potential friends for him, lol, maybe he would have been less of an arse (but I doubt it!).

Although I cannot talk, at the moment, I am friendless (and believe me, living with my parents at 32, I NEED friends), hey maybe I should put an ad out for me lol!!!

shhhh · 01/10/2006 12:35

awww. I'm sure you will make new friends soon enough. Anyway if all else fails you have use on mn ..! I'll be your friend..god I sound like the Kiora advert..!

I know what you mean though (different circumstances and no dd then) but when dh & I split years ago when we were bf&gf we both moved back to parents. Lets just say neither of us want to ever do that again..!! They meant well but.....

Confused mum..how are things this morning.?

QueenEagle · 01/10/2006 12:49

confusedmum2one - I have only read your first couple of posts; her's my view:

Re him staying out til 4am - in my book that's not aproblem. I go out (with dh incidentally so not quite the same situation) and don't roll in til 3.30 - 4am. Same applies if me and dh ever go out separately. There should be no restriction imo on what time they come in. Your dh is right in saying he is a grown man and capable of getting himself home. There's nothing worse than a partner who nags about what time they come home.

Niggling about that really isn't the real issue though is it? Usually argusing over trivial stuff is covering up the real problems/issues. You need to seriously think about what is the real issue here.

If things were good/better between you and the arguing was cut out, would you want to stay? What are your dh's good points? Sit down and honestly evaluate yours and his strengths and weaknesses and realise what you both bring to your relationship. Start there then you can move on to the decision of whether you truly want to end your marriage.

lou33 · 01/10/2006 13:13

things will be fine, but you need to come to a point when you think anything has got to be better than how i am living now.

when you get to this point, as i did, you will take the plunge and i promise you, getting your head sorted will take prority for a while, another man will be irrelevent.

but of course there will be others who want you, i'm nearly 40 and have 4 kids and i have plenty of men asking me out

dont stay in a marriage because you think noone will have you tho, leaving will probably boost your self esteem to the extent you will feel strong enough to cope whatever comes, eventually

Original poster

confusedmum2one · 01/10/2006 17:08

Sat down with DH last night and had a talk about loads of things (lots of stuff that I hadn't posted about as well). Felt like we made some progress and he really opened up (we had a chat about things a week or so ago but he was on the defensive then). Those of you that were saying he's probably adjusting to becoming a Dad are right. He said he feels like he's had to go from a boy to a man overnight and suddenly is the money earner and he feels like he has a huge responsibility on his shoulders. He feels that he doesn't have any time for him to be an individual any more.

I think I've been guilty of keeping DH in a box sometimes, in my mind he betrayed me so that's made me keep questioning him about things and made him feel like he's always got to justify everything and it's been making him feel trapped and unhappy. I need to break this circle, I still feel hurt but I NEED to move on to give us a chance. So, we're not going to counselling but we have set out a few new ground rules. We're also going to make sure we have some time as just us a couple of times a month and he's going to be more pro-active with DD so I don't feel like I'm a single parent.

When he "opened up" last night I saw the man I fell in love with. I feel closer to him today and we both want to make our marriage work, not just get by but we both want to feel as in love and secure as we used to. I have to respect that we're all individuals and have different ways - he's certainly not an alcoholic so if he wants to get so drunk he can hardly talk now and again then that's upto him. He used to do this before DD was born so I think it's more about me and how I'm feeling about him that's become the issue.

Sorry I don't think I've replied to some of the questions but I'm aware this is an epic reply as it is!

Thanks for your advice, I wont post on here again for a while but I will let you know how things go when I feel like I have an update.

I hope you're all enjoying a lovely weekend with your loved ones

OP posts:

shhhh · 01/10/2006 20:12

glad you have talked things through. Sometimes things aren;t as bad as you think and when you have extra time on your hand problems seem massive.
Good luck and keep talking. xx

SSSandy · 02/10/2006 08:43

Glad you saw something of the man you fell in love with there! Are you still breast feeding? Is that why you cannot have a babysitter and go out together? If so, have you considered expressing and having someone stay with the baby at least one night a month, so you two go out on the town together?

SSSandy · 02/10/2006 08:45

By the way, I think it's absolutely normal to worry whether you'd end up on your own forever if you left dh. I just think it's a normal kind of thing to worry about, everyone feels frightened (especially when they have a baby) about facing life on their own and not having someone at that side.

Pann · 03/10/2006 00:21

Well done confused. And thanks for posting the development too. x

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