Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Better safe than sorry?

38 replies

Wantajackrussell · 14/10/2014 08:59

I met a guy on POF about 4 months ago and he is a bit of a rough diamond and a cheeky chappy and has lots of banter and makes me laugh (and I fancy him like mad - done the deed quite a few times!). He told me he has lived with his ex-wife since the breakdown of their marriage some 13 years ago as he didn't want his daughter upset with a divorce etc - his daughter is now 20 and goes to university. He said he and his exW lead completely separate lives and that it was an agreement between them that they would never bring anyone to the house.

He has had a few serious relationships in this time but they have always petered out. He said his ex-wife had cheated on him with his best friend and a woman who he really liked had let him down and he is wary of committing to anyone again.

I didn't hear from him for over a week and sent him a quite a few texts and an email and eventually got a text back saying he had received my "stressy" messages and that he had been in hospital.

In the meantime I received a message on POF from a guy and I met him for a drink (sort of getting my own back in a way as I was hurt that guy No.1 hadn't let me know he was ill). He is a very nice guy and really wants a serious relationship already. He is caring, texts and phones me all the time, has cooked me dinner, offered to do some jobs in my flat (fitting a new lock because he is worried that my flat is not secure enough and building me some units etc). He is solvent; a carpenter (but he was in the army) and his passion is skiing (he is also a ski-instructor - so very fit).

I told my grown-up DD that the first guy lived with his ex-wife and she reckons I should ditch him as he should have told me this at the beginning (he did actually tell me at the beginning but I didn't want to tell my DD as she would have said I was a mug). I do believe that he has nothing to do with his wife because he said I could call and speak to her. The second guy has it all going for him relationship wise - kind, caring, attentive etc but why do I yearn to be with guy No. 1? Why do I want to be with someone who messes me about and not the nice one - am I lacking something? I would have stability with guy No. 2 but there is no "spark" on my part. If I get in touch with guy No. 1 my DD says she would have never have anything to do with him or I suppose I could admit to her that I was lying when I said I didn't know about his wife. She said how can you live with anyone for 13 years and not share things ... who was going to see him in hospital etc etc. If he had told me he was in hospital I would have gone to see him like a shot and sat with him all day if he had wanted me to.

Do I keep going with guy No. 2 to see what occurs and forget No. 1 - I dunno so confused AND I AM TOO OLD FOR ALL THIS (in my 50s!!)

Apologies for this rambling post and if you're still awake after reading it I would love to have your thoughts.

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 14/10/2014 09:02

See as many men as make you happy. Don't ask, don't tell. I'm 56.

HumblePieMonster · 14/10/2014 09:03

By the way, I really don't like Jack Russells. How about a Hungarian Puli? They're beautiful.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 09:06

"I do believe that he has nothing to do with his wife because he said I could call and speak to her"

Your DD is right & you are being very naïve. Have you ever actually called his bluff and talked to his wife? Because 'living separate lives' is so often the modern equivalent of 'my wife doesn't understand me' that it's practically a cliché. He wasn't in hospital for a week either. Or at least, if he was, there would have been some awkward scenes in the visitors' waiting room.

The world is full of married men. Guy No 2 sounds rather more genuine.

LineRunner · 14/10/2014 09:07

Well, Number 1 is married. Properly married. And he cheated with you. And is a big fat liar.

Does that help?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 14/10/2014 09:09

No1 is most definitley having an affair with you. He didn't want you and his wife at the hospital of course, so that's why the radio silence. Did yo uever take him up on his offer to speak to her? no of course not

No2 sounds worth seeing again, until no1 has disappeared from your emotions. You might feel differently. You might not.

Also as per previous post - where are No.s 3/4/5 in all this Wink OD should be fun but watch out for the married ones is rule number 1!

Vitalstatistix · 14/10/2014 09:09

The first guy's wife would, I bet, be very surprised to know her marriage is over.

You don't actually believe him, do you? Take him up on his offer to call her. But find their home number yourself, don't use one he gives you! Better still, go round to his house and have a coffee with her! Oh yes, I forget, they agreed to never bring anyone to the house. Really? And the daughter is 20? And left home? And they're still living this life?

A rough diamond cheeky chap sounds utterly exhausting and just far too much drama. I feel too old for it at 40! so I can quite see how you feel too old for such childish pap. Grin

What do you want though? How long does a 'spark' last? Is it really worth being with someone who, frankly, sounds like an utter arsehole? When the first flush of what is basically infatuation passes, who do you want to be with? Your married 'cheeky chappie' who is already treating you like shit with his complaints about your 'stressy' messages or your decent, nice man?

Who do you think you have the best chance of long term happiness with? When the lust fades and you settle down to a normal day to day life, who do you think would make you happier?

Quitelikely · 14/10/2014 09:09

More like he didn't want you going to the hospital incase his wife was there visiting...........

TheGirlFromIpanema · 14/10/2014 09:10

Slow typing, massive x-post Grin

Agree with Cog completely.

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 14/10/2014 09:10

He was probably on a family holiday.
Ditch no. 1 delete his number so you're not tempted to contact him. No. 2 sounds lovely though.

Vitalstatistix · 14/10/2014 09:10

meant to say that if number 2 isn't what you want, then that's ok. There are more than 2 men in the world.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 09:10

Or he wasn't in hospital at all and was sunning himself on a beach somewhere with the missus....

Panad · 14/10/2014 09:12

I wouldn't believe his story at all. Yes of course you can speak to his wife if you don't believe him. He wouldnt expect you too for a minute. His daughter is in Uni and he could have left by now. You can't go to his house because he is married. He probably wasn't in hospital he just said that to explain why he didn't respond to your over the top texts. He is not into you. If he was, he would be with you.

PeppermintPasty · 14/10/2014 09:16

Ditch them both. One is a massive liar and will wreck your head, and the other one will bore you to death. There are a few out there yet that might suit I'm guessing.

Or how about be by yourself? That's not a flippant comment.

LineRunner · 14/10/2014 09:18

I would also check whether Number 2 is making it up about being in the Army and being a ski instructor. My brother's friend makes stuff like this up all the time. One summer he went to France on a carpentry job for a few months and when he came back he pretended he couldn't remember how to speak English properly.

In fact it's probably him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 09:27

" he pretended he couldn't remember how to speak English properly."

LOL! What was he like some bad impression of Inspector Clouseau? "I zink I will 'ave a... qu'est ce que c'est le mot?... a beer?"

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 14/10/2014 09:30

Ffs! The married one isn't even being subtle about his lies! In hospital? In the best possible way you need a big grip.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 14/10/2014 09:31

And what grown woman wants a 'rough diamond cheeky chap'? Let alone a married one. What a loser.

LineRunner · 14/10/2014 09:32

Absolutely, Cog. Lots of 'Ow you say in ze Eenglish...'

Bloody hilarious.

SaucyMare · 14/10/2014 09:34

Ageee with everyone else, go and meet his wife.

SaucyMare · 14/10/2014 09:36

She said how can you live with anyone for 13 years and not share things

Your daughter talks sense.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 14/10/2014 09:37

All i am gonna say is do not let the one refit your lock. Alarm bells are ringing. Who knows what he could do with hidden spare keys. Or maybe i watch too much soaps!!!

NickiFury · 14/10/2014 09:39

Grin linerunner.

Why don't I know people like this?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 09:52

@LineRunner... zat is... ow you say... priceless!!!

Adira · 14/10/2014 10:01

I know someone who was in a relationship with someone like your no1 for over ten years.
He was at every family function, in all their family photos, lived part time in her house, insured to drive her car.... long term relationship.

As far as she was aware he still lived in the marital home but separated as they had small children (teens and adults by the end of it).

He had a particularly hobby that took him off on many weekends and basically gave him an alibi.

So it transpired after 10 years together that he was still very much married and his wife had no idea he was living this double life 2miles up the road. AND apparently he had another on the go as well (this one less serious)

So he was
-living Mon-Fri with his wife and children, disappearing off "on bike trips" most weekends
-spent the weekends with the long term partner. but also spent most of the day during the week hanging around the house drinking tea, chatting to the family. He didn't have a job it transpired, he was living entirely off his "women" but the fact that he was always hanging around made it look like he couldn't possibly be having an affair. She WAS the affair.
-Then he had the new girlfriend who he would "date" (and sleep with) once a week ish.

This particular woman was the nastiest bitch I've ever had the misfortune of meeting so it couldn't have happened a nicer person as far as im concened... still though, cautionary tale.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2014 10:02

Both should be booted off as a matter of course, number 1 has certainly lied through his teeth and you were his other woman. Number 2 sounds fishy as well and should be also avoided. Your DD has a lot of common sense.

You likely yearn to be with number 1 because you have low self worth yourself and think you could be "the one".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, there seems to be an awful lot of crap that needs to be unlearnt and sharpish. Are you really that desperate for a man and his company that any common sense you possess goes out the window?. Bad boys are just that - bad.