Better safe than sorry?

[Wantajackrussell]

I met a guy on POF about 4 months ago and he is a bit of a rough diamond and a cheeky chappy and has lots of banter and makes me laugh (and I fancy him like mad - done the deed quite a few times!). He told me he has lived with his ex-wife since the breakdown of their marriage some 13 years ago as he didn't want his daughter upset with a divorce etc - his daughter is now 20 and goes to university. He said he and his exW lead completely separate lives and that it was an agreement between them that they would never bring anyone to the house.

He has had a few serious relationships in this time but they have always petered out. He said his ex-wife had cheated on him with his best friend and a woman who he really liked had let him down and he is wary of committing to anyone again.

I didn't hear from him for over a week and sent him a quite a few texts and an email and eventually got a text back saying he had received my "stressy" messages and that he had been in hospital.

In the meantime I received a message on POF from a guy and I met him for a drink (sort of getting my own back in a way as I was hurt that guy No.1 hadn't let me know he was ill). He is a very nice guy and really wants a serious relationship already. He is caring, texts and phones me all the time, has cooked me dinner, offered to do some jobs in my flat (fitting a new lock because he is worried that my flat is not secure enough and building me some units etc). He is solvent; a carpenter (but he was in the army) and his passion is skiing (he is also a ski-instructor - so very fit).

I told my grown-up DD that the first guy lived with his ex-wife and she reckons I should ditch him as he should have told me this at the beginning (he did actually tell me at the beginning but I didn't want to tell my DD as she would have said I was a mug). I do believe that he has nothing to do with his wife because he said I could call and speak to her. The second guy has it all going for him relationship wise - kind, caring, attentive etc but why do I yearn to be with guy No. 1? Why do I want to be with someone who messes me about and not the nice one - am I lacking something? I would have stability with guy No. 2 but there is no "spark" on my part. If I get in touch with guy No. 1 my DD says she would have never have anything to do with him or I suppose I could admit to her that I was lying when I said I didn't know about his wife. She said how can you live with anyone for 13 years and not share things ... who was going to see him in hospital etc etc. If he had told me he was in hospital I would have gone to see him like a shot and sat with him all day if he had wanted me to.

Do I keep going with guy No. 2 to see what occurs and forget No. 1 - I dunno so confused AND I AM TOO OLD FOR ALL THIS (in my 50s!!)

Apologies for this rambling post and if you're still awake after reading it I would love to have your thoughts.

Your daughter sounds very astute. Not course he's still married and of course his wife was with him in hospital.

I remember lying to my mum about homework and saying "phone the school and check if you don't believe me" - haven't we all bluffed like that at some point? Most of us grow out of it though we realise other people deserve respect.

OP, you do know it doesn't have to be guy 1 or guy2 don't you? There are other men out there that are neither married nor boring.

Both of these chaps sound like trouble for different reasons

Op, you need your twat radar tuning sharpish

Ahh! The I'm-married- but-live-separately, line!

As AF pointed out, it needs tuning...

Ditch number 1--tosser very much married
be wary of number 2--seems very full on after only 1 week, he might be genuine but be careful

Have a look at 'Women who love too much'

It could be that there is no spark with No.2 because he is too nice and treats you decently, therefore not a 'challenge' (subconsciously)?

What were your relationships like with male role models in your childhood?

No2 sounds perfect but you're too busy trying to chase your 'bad boy'. Do the decent thing, tell no2 you're still hung up on recent ex and leave them both alone. Let no2 find someone who DOES want to spend time with him.

50+ and you still want a relationship with 'DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA'!
Why????

Bin off No. 1 quick sharp.
Proceed with caution with No. 2.
Keep looking and dating other men.

Number one isn't that into you. You aren't that into number two.
You need to find number three.

Maybe that "spark" is your subconscious telling you he's probably still married and you're in an exciting affair.
You must have had that feeling at least a little deep down? Maybe buried it (which I sort of understand, it's easier not to think about).

Ditch them both. No1 is married and even if this isn't an affair it is well messy. No2 sounds suspicious but to be honest even if he is actually is just a nice guy it doesn't sound like you're romantically compatible. You don't need a massive "spark" but if there's no/hardly any passion early on I'm not sure it bodes well. Onwards and upwards. Adjust the test radar.

Twat radar, rather.

he pretended he couldn't remember how to speak English properly

LOL! What was he like some bad impression of Inspector Clouseau? "I zink I will 'ave a... qu'est ce que c'est le mot?... a beer?

I did :-D LOL at that!

But he does sound like a Class A rat - can't you set your Jack Russell on him?

I wouldnt waste the petrol or the bus fare going to see his DW.

Probably better sharpen up your elbow to give his the massive Big E

When i was 14 my mum was dating someone who said that, being 14 i had no concept it might not be the truth, so i found his number phoned him up and invited him round for dinner.

Mum and him are married now, but he got a mouthful off his wife.

So get your daughter to phone him up all innocence of youth.