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Original poster

still have problems with partner's children and more...

44 replies

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 21:52

I started a thread here a few months ago about the lack of interaction between my DS aged 11 and my partners' DDs aged 14. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2142023-problems-with-partners-children-and-mine-help

The problem is no better, and it's ruining our relationship. My son feels excluded and ignored as my partner's girls who are with him every weekend show no interest in him at all. I know that there is a huge chasm between 14 year old girls and 11 year old boys but it seems noone in my partner's family can actually be bothered to talk to my DS. His older daughters aged 19 and 20 don't talk to him either and neither do anyone else in his family.

Last weekend my mum, my son and I went for a meal at my boyfriend's house where three of his daughters were plus his sister (a primary teacher), her husband and their children aged 20 and 6. All fussed over the 6 year old and all talked and laughed and only me and my mum and my boyfriend spoke at all to my son. At the end of the meal they went for a walk (apart from my mum, me and my boyfriend) and it seems that noone spoke to him on the walk either.

This summer we all went on holiday together, it was ok but only because my son brought a friend. I am not expecting great friendship or anything like but some 'how's secondary?', 'what football team do you like?' type of things surely isn't too much from the adults even?

My partner and I have another ongoing issue, he is currently only now getting divorced and there have been 2.5 years of stalling from his ex but only because I have refused to move in with him until it is finalised is he now forcing the issue.

I love my boyfriend dearly, he is kind, gentle and lovely to my son but these two things have driven me to distraction and I am now so angry that I don't want to see him at the moment. We've talked and talked about them and it seems like I'm constantly causing problems but I'm angry that it took for me to issue threats and ultimatums for him to finally sort out his divorce and that my son still feels left out.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 21:58

by the way the advice I was given previously was really good and we have tried games etc. but it has taken until the meal last weekend for me to see that it isn't just the twins but that noone in his family talks to my son at all and I am so angry about it.

My boyfriend indulges his children, drives them anywhere, nothing is too much trouble, rarely says no etc and I think it has made them believe the world revolves around them. They are all very clever and good at most things, confident, extrovert etc. My son is a very average, quite quiet 11 year old. My mum said when she met them at the meal that she thought they were conceited and opinionated. All this is making me more resentful, it makes me think that my partner's indulgence has made them more full of themselves and lacking in empathy.

OP posts:
LickleMiss · 13/10/2014 22:00

The trouble is, you cannot force anyone to interact with your son if they dont want to, even though you think they should. Does your son make an effort to speak to them? It should be a two way thing. Is he shy? Does he find it hard to chat to them, and does he make eye contact with any of them? I don't mean to apportion blame, but maybe it is him as well?

QuintessentiallyQS · 13/10/2014 22:03

In all this, what is your dons life like? Is he rnjoying his life? Dies hr like to constantly having to spend time with people who don't want his company?

You are right in not moving in Ruth your boyfriend. Your son would have more of the sand in his own home turf, and hid life would be unbearable.

Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:04

It is him as well. He feels that e.g. going on the walk alone should be enough or he says the odd thing but then reacts sulkily if people don't ask him stuff or include him which makes it all worse. He is making the problem worse but I can't bear to see him unhappy and we are meant to be moving in together in the next few months.

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QuintessentiallyQS · 13/10/2014 22:04

Nog sure what Ruth is doing there , it should be with.

QuintessentiallyQS · 13/10/2014 22:05

Not, not nog.

Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:05

No, he doesn't like spending time with them and I have decided to put a stop to it at least temporarily. He is generally a fairly happy child.

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Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:13

I am angry that it has taken him 2.5 years to finalise the divorce especially as of all things he's a bloody divorce lawyer! And the issue with my son is ongoing. God, how do I sort this mess out?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 13/10/2014 22:18

If I said, please do not move in with him, how would you feel about that?

ChillyHeatwave · 13/10/2014 22:19

A relationship with this man is not worth losing a relationship with your son. You come as a package. Your bf needs to realise that. And you need to put your son first and stop seeing this man. Bit by bit, meeting by meeting, each and every party, dinner, birthday that they don't talk to him, he loses self esteem and his confidence is dented and each time you are silently condoning it by letting it happen and you will lose him. :(

QuintessentiallyQS · 13/10/2014 22:20

You know it is not just a question of your boyfriend being right for you but if his family is right to blend with your family.

I think you need to seriously rethink your future with not just the man, but his parents, his children, etc.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:20

Why don't you just delay living together?
I read this and think it's not just the divorce and your son... You also don't like how he raises his children.
Too much going on there for me to want to live with someone.

I went to a friend's family BBQ, and no-one bothered to speak to me. When I met my now ex, I went to a social event and was totally ignored. It wasn't me... It's just that people live in their own world, and are generally quite self centred. They will have had no interest in speaking to a child they don't know. It's harsh, but it sounds quite normal.

You might conclude that this relationship is better lived apart until everyone is a bit older.

Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:24

Yes, I am seriously rethinking it. I love my boyfriend a great deal, I feel he is the love of my life and we are in our late 40's and I'm not sure I will meet anyone else. I can't bear the thought of him not being in my life but my son is much more important to me. He is everything and I have decided I can't let him be in these situations any more. The only resolution I can think of is a break and then for my boyfriend to solve the problems, to step in every time my son is excluded. But he has to genuinely see it which I don't think he does at the moment.

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Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:24

Btw, my divorce has taken 18 months so far mostly due to stalling from my ex. At times, I've been too damn busy to chase him.
I'd be re-evaluating my boyfriend if he got angry with me because of it. He knows I want the divorce, he knows there are more important things going on sometimes (work, child) than micromanaging the ex. If he gave me shit over it, I'd set him loose.

Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:27

I think we may have to delay living together. It's true I am beginning to think that the way he raises his children is part of the problem but I never used to. It's only since I've started getting so angry that I've started thinking that they are too spoit and that is the problem.

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QuintessentiallyQS · 13/10/2014 22:28

Delay living together, and keep your son and his children separate. Let them spend time with their dad without you and your son. Take is as a chance for you to have quality time with your son. At 11, you only have a couple of years before he prefers the company of his friends to you.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:29

There's a limit to what your boyfriend can do.
He can't make the younger girls include him. The best approach there IMO is to be sure to plan activities that all can do. But I think you have to accept that you'd see a lack of interest between siblings too. My sister (5 years older) barely spoke to me as children!

He can certainly speak to his adult family and explain that your son feels left out and ask then to make a point of keeping an eye out for him.
But I'd probably take the approach of just minimising the time you spend in that group. And manage I then you at together - it was a bad idea to send him off on a walk without you, your mum, your boyfriend.

Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:30

cabrinha, he has been separated from his ex for 8 years though, long before I came on the scene and they have already done the first part of it years ago. I wanted it done and finalised because we were planning to move in together and they only hadn't sorted out the finance (and we need that sorted to buy somewhere together).

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Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:30

FWIW, I really like my boyfriend, and his son. But I know I don't want to live with him because I like the set up that I have at home with my daughter . He parents differently. We don't NEED to live together. Family comes in all shapes and sizes - and domestic set ups!

QuintessentiallyQS · 13/10/2014 22:31

Hold your horses!
Definitely dont buy anything together before you have tried living together!

Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:32

I thought him going on the walk without my mum, me and my boyfriend was a good idea so that he could e.g. chat more to my partner's sister etc. She is in her 40's and a primary teacher so I would have thought she would have noticed him feeling miserable.

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Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:32

Oh I assumed one or other of you would move into an existing house.
No way would I be adding the complication of joining finances over a house when living together, while there were these issues!
Sorry Sad

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:33

Cross post with Quint

Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:34

QuintessentiallyQS - we're not going to rent though and we both own houses so can't leave one of them empty.

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Original poster
wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:37

The thing is I want to move from where I am living anyway. I want to live in another area a couple of miles away and have always wanted to live and my boyfriend, my son and my boyfriend's children are keen on that area too. I don't want to waste my son's childhood living somewhere temporary but I don't want to move twice and if I buy somewhere alone it will be somewhere I will have chosen, not both of us and it'll be my house not ours....

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