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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

still have problems with partner's children and more...

44 replies

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 21:52

I started a thread here a few months ago about the lack of interaction between my DS aged 11 and my partners' DDs aged 14. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2142023-problems-with-partners-children-and-mine-help

The problem is no better, and it's ruining our relationship. My son feels excluded and ignored as my partner's girls who are with him every weekend show no interest in him at all. I know that there is a huge chasm between 14 year old girls and 11 year old boys but it seems noone in my partner's family can actually be bothered to talk to my DS. His older daughters aged 19 and 20 don't talk to him either and neither do anyone else in his family.

Last weekend my mum, my son and I went for a meal at my boyfriend's house where three of his daughters were plus his sister (a primary teacher), her husband and their children aged 20 and 6. All fussed over the 6 year old and all talked and laughed and only me and my mum and my boyfriend spoke at all to my son. At the end of the meal they went for a walk (apart from my mum, me and my boyfriend) and it seems that noone spoke to him on the walk either.

This summer we all went on holiday together, it was ok but only because my son brought a friend. I am not expecting great friendship or anything like but some 'how's secondary?', 'what football team do you like?' type of things surely isn't too much from the adults even?

My partner and I have another ongoing issue, he is currently only now getting divorced and there have been 2.5 years of stalling from his ex but only because I have refused to move in with him until it is finalised is he now forcing the issue.

I love my boyfriend dearly, he is kind, gentle and lovely to my son but these two things have driven me to distraction and I am now so angry that I don't want to see him at the moment. We've talked and talked about them and it seems like I'm constantly causing problems but I'm angry that it took for me to issue threats and ultimatums for him to finally sort out his divorce and that my son still feels left out.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:38

Sorry OP, I think I sounded critical about the walk when I didn't mean to. I just mean in future, you know the situation... So don't hope or assume. It was a good idea to prompt conversation, but probably needed your boyfriend to explicitly take his sister aside and ask her to take your boy under her wing.
An off duty teacher has, I suspect, no more interest in chatting to someone else's kid than me!

I know you've been together for a while and plan to live together, but to his family (especially if you don't see them often?) you're maybe just his girlfriend - which isn't always a permanent thing - and then your son is once removed again.

I do think they don't sound terribly nice... But they do sound normal. That level of not looking out for new people. Having moved away to live with my ex, I encountered it so often and it really threw me!

LineRunner · 13/10/2014 22:40

I would slow down, seriously.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:41

"My house not ours" - you say that like it's a bad thing.
You may find he doesn't have an issue with that.
You move, and buy. He moves in. You see how it goes. Then if it goes well he buys into the house. Or you just keep it separate anyway.

Original poster

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:42

thank you Cabrinha - you are right about the walk, my son should have stayed with me. Though I (not a teacher) always look out for a child feeling left out, I can spot it. For example at work last week someone brought their 11 year old along to a leaving drinks and I (and other colleagues) spent time talking to him because he looked pretty miserable! I don't think his family are horrible but just self-centered and I think he parents differently to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:44

But he does have an issue with that. I suggested a break a couple of months ago because of this very issue and said that I would probably move and that we could re-evaluate things after I had moved and he had a major problem with it being 'my house' not 'our house'. He wants us to get somewhere together as did I but I am now thinking it is unworkable at the moment.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:46

Honestly, even if things were going swimmingly I'd think twice about buying together before living together.
Maybe just cos I'm recently divorced and therefore close to the hell of extricating oneself from shares property!
I'd definitely look at moving into one of your two houses for 6 months first.

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 13/10/2014 22:47

I lived with my stepfather for 15 years (from the age of 4-19). Not one of his family ever made the effort with me. I despise him, them, and quite frankly, I blame my mum for making me put up with it. Don't move in with him.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 22:48

That's twice you've mentioned "breaks". What does a break DO though? I think you either split up or you work on the problem. I don't see how a break moves anything forward.

Original poster

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:55

I mentioned breaks because I don't know what else to do. I don't want to split up, I love him but the situation isn't tolerable at the moment and however much I go on about it, my boyfriend just doesn't see it. He just sent me a text saying how well he thought they were now getting on! and everytime I talk about it, it's like I'm causing problems when he just thinks everything is fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 22:56

ChrisMooseAlbanians- that's what I dread and my son and I are very close. I'm fully aware that he doesn't help the situation though and it's not all one sided but he is the one who is ending up unhappy.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 23:05

I'm not sure why you want him to do though?
The divorce is underway now, yes? So that's done?

He can't make his twins be interested in your son. Does he listen to you, speak to the girls if they exclude in a deliberate and mean way? I think you said that he himself is good with your son.

The thing that is missing here for me - you haven't really said what your SON thinks about it.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 23:06

How would he react if you said that you love him and want to keep seeing him, but for now, it suits your son better to live apart?

Original poster

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 23:16

he feels I am running away from him at the moment which I admit I am. I think he'd be upset if I suggested living apart, maybe he'd accept it but I don't think he'd see things from my son's or my point of view. Yes, the divorce is underway but it's taken a very long time and alot of stalling and yes he can't make his twins be interested in my son but he can intervene and try to get everyone interacting and notice the excluding which he doesn't.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 23:28

And given what you've just said - is that really your soulmate?
I know that a great partner might not tick every box... but I'm thinking your ideal man is more dynamic and more empathetic.
Think you said you were mid 40s. You've got your whole life again to meet someone. So why do you feel you won't?

I've realised that post divorce, now I don't want to get married, or have another child, and don't need someone else to build a home with... there's just no rush.

I'm not sure how you resolve things with this guy, but I certainly would back off from buying together.

Original poster

wantanewname · 13/10/2014 23:37

I think he is my soulmate. I don't think he lacks empathy but must have been brought up very differently to me. My own family isn't perfect by a long way though. He's a genuine, kind and lovely man. His children aren't malicious and my son is also a long way from being perfect so nothing is black and white. But he doesn't see what I see (or my mum saw) - and I want him to notice the excluding. There have been so many incidents in which my son has felt excluded that this really has to stop.

I think I will say that I am delaying us moving in together for at least a couple of years and that I will move myself and he can move in with us in a couple of years (go on the mortgage etc) if and when things have improved and for the foreseable future we will do things separately with the children.

OP posts:

iggymama · 14/10/2014 00:49

It sounds like his family do not view you, your partner and the children as a blended family. More that your son is just Dad's girlfriend's kid, your "baggage" if you like. If they have no interest in him, it cannot be forced.

Do you really think it would be any different if you lived together? From what you have said I doubt it and in fact your son may feel even more cut off by living in the same house as he will lose his one on one time with you and have to share you more with your DP.

MexicanSpringtime · 14/10/2014 02:42

I think I will say that I am delaying us moving in together for at least a couple of years.

That sounds good, OP. In a couple of years your son will be 13 or 14 and the twins 16 or 17. A lot will have changed.

DistanceCall · 14/10/2014 02:54

I think delaying the moving in together is a good idea, OP.

Just remember that you are in a relationship with this man, not with his family. Of course you need to be polite to his children and relatives, and of course he should be kind to your son (particularly if he lives with you). But you are not "blending" families. And really there is no need for your son to mingle with your partner's relatives, much less if they cannot bring themselves to be kind to a 11-year-old.

It's one thing for your partner and you to do things with your son, who is still quite young. But you really don't have to be involved in absolutely every activity that your partner does with his children.

Each of you can do things with your own families separately and still be a couple.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2014 03:09

"It sounds like his family do not view you, your partner and the children as a blended family. More that your son is just Dad's girlfriend's kid, your "baggage" if you like. If they have no interest in him, it cannot be forced."

I think iggy has hit the nail as far as his family goes. Or maybe they don't want to get 'attached'. That may or may not change if/when you move in together. But there's no guarantee.

As far as his daughters, they probably really have no interest in any 11 year old boy, let alone one they may see as 'competition'. That being said, they should be polite to him and at least acknowledge his presence and answer nicely if he speaks to them. But to force them to do more may well cause them to resent him. My brother and I are 3 years apart and I really don't recall him being very interested in me or my goings on when he was 14 and I was 11. We didn't really play games or cards much or sit and talk much at those ages, either, and I don't recall it bothering me a bit.

I think you are right to want to put off living together for a while. Unless you can accept the 'status quo' as far as his family goes I really don't see a happy future in store.

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