Am I abusive, or him?

[hesgonenow]

I don't really understand what is happening. My husband left at the weekend. Amid me crying my eyes out he told me he didn't love me, packed his stuff and moved out. Not the first time and I wonder if he uses moving out as a way of control. He's been violent in the past and although he hasn't been violent for years, he uses physical aggression instead. At the weekend he held his fist to my face, told me everyone is better off without me, that I'm 'mental' and threatened to kill my pets.

I have depression and am currently on medication that makes it worse. There's no alternative. It also makes me moody/up and down and I know this is difficult to live with. I did tear up some photo of us at the weekend after he said he didn't love me. I have thrown things before. I do get irrational about things.

He is denying holding his fist to my face. He's denying saying everyone is better off without me. He says I'm abusive.

I'm confused. I don't know what to think. Maybe it's my fault? Am I abusive? I'm horrified.

What you describe him doing is called 'gaslighting'
information here

It is a well known form of abuse.

good that hes gone. have you got your head around finances? might be worth you drawing up a plan of what you need to do to get your independence back

The person threatening to kill your pets and with his fist in your face is the abusive one. If you were in a public place and saw a man and a woman acting out that scene, would you think 'it's her fault?' or would you call 999?

Being depressed can make people challenging to live with. However, living with a violent person who exerts control through terrorism tactics will make anyone depressed.

Please get out of this relationship urgently because you are in serious and immediate danger. You need refuge. Womens Aid can be reached on 0808 2000 247

You know that depression you are suffering with?
It is a result of his abusive behaviour not the cause of it.
The only cause of abusive behaviour is abusive people. And your husband is one.

You are well rid, although it may not feel like that at the moment. Get some rl support from someone you can trust. Get in touch with women's aid and they will help you see what has really been happening. My friend dragged me there, and I came out with a whole new perspective on my relationship. I and my children are much happier now, there is light through all the sludge that is your life right now.

Good luck op, the rest of your life is starting now.

OP do you think he's going to try to get back in your home once he's had enough of whatever he's gone off to do (or whoever he's gone off to be with?)

Thankyou so much, I've felt so guilty, like it's my fault.

He's been common to help with the children, but ignores me the whole time and I'm wondering if this is another method of control? Yesterday he said we could get counselling and sort it out, but he always says that, comes back and the counselling never goes ahead.

I'm scared, but I know I'm better off without him. I will need to move (forces housing) and my family are far away. I will need to be on benefits until I get sorted out enough to work. It's going to be hard. My mum is coming in a week or so, that will help.

I'm afraid it wouldn't surprise me if he moved out so he could wait for you to go apologising and asking him to give you a second chance. In fact, I'd bet good money this is exactly what he's thinking.

You're not abusive in the slightest. He has threatened violence not just against you but against innocent animals in a bid to control you. That is the sign of a dangerous man and you need to get out of this relationship now. This is not your fault. Even if your depression is very bad, his violent behaviour is absolutely no excuse. These men are experts in manipulation and lying and this is exactly what he's doing to you. Please call Women's Aid as the others have suggested.

I would suggest you stop him coming round. Yes, it's another way to keep control and keep tabs on your movements. Manage the children yourself, make your home a sanctuary of calm and exclude him except for set times when you can insist he takes the children elsewhere. Essentially, treat this as the marriage being over, treat him as being a separate household and start as you mean to go on.

I'd also suggest you get legal and practical advice. You may need to claim benefits short-term but, as non-resident parent, he is still financially responsible for the children. See a solicitor.

MAJOR abuse, majorly - but from him, not you. The pet killing thing? If you were to report that to the police now they would assess you as high risk (I know, because I have been assessed for risk a few times in the last couple of weeks due to my situation, and the pet harming, killing or threats to kill pets questions keeps coming up)

Keep him the fuck out. He's left, that's brilliant, but phone 101 and let them know. Please! Good luck

Sounds like this relationship is turning you into the sort of person you don't want to be.

I bet you will lose masses of the depression if you keep him away!

Please please please do not let him come back.

Do not go to counselling with him it is not recommended for abusive people.

If you feel you can go to your Dr and get it on record what he has done re fists and threatening to kill pets.

Ok, I did something stupid earlier. I felt like I couldn't cope and had some wine and told him he would need to come and look after the children as I was going to bed and my oldest son was looking after them. (He's 18) it's no excuse I know, but I'm exhausted. I have health problems as well as the depression. He came and took the two youngest without telling my son where he was taking them or letting me know. He hasn't done this out of concern, although that's what he is saying. I'm an idiot. It's certainly brought me to my senses.

I'm going to phone women's aid tomorrow. Im not sure what to do for now. I've phoned him and I know where they are, but I can't help but feel they'd be better off at home in their own beds. They were both awake, the baby was crying. I'm an idiot. I just felt overwhelmed and like I couldn't cope at all, I was so tired. I've been surviving on a few hours sleep a night for months.

Ok, yes they do need to be back at home. Are they back yet? If not phone him and tell them they need to come home. You're feeling better now, thank him for his help but they need their beds.

Where babies are concerned and you're not fully in control of the situation then you need to keep the peace.

But I'd be starting with the police tomorrow and then WA.

He's refused to being them back. He says he is bringing them back at 7.30. I'm sure he will as he has to go to work.

There was a thread from someone else in armed forces housing and if I remember rightly people were saying the army is very supportive of separating spouses and if there is any DV involved, the soldier would suffer serious consequences.

I think you get to remain in your house for 90 days, but I may be wrong and help with relocating, also, it being the army, you will get your child support without a bother.

I hope someone who knows about these things will post here. And yes, I am sure your depression will improve when you are living away from this person, but I wonder if you are on the right anti-depressant if it is affecting your moods so much.

You need to go to welfare, Mexican is right you will get 93 days in qtr. if things are as you describe he will be put back on the block and they can even bar him from going to the qtr. there is also the Cotswold centre where you can go as a half way point to get your life back on track. The forces can be very, very supportive in these instances but you need to take the first step. This true of the mil whether you are in uk or abroad.

You need to stop this cycle of abuse for yourself and for your dcs sakes.

I hope things work out for you.

The children are back. Thank goodness.

He's refused to give his key back. I will speak to army welfare about it today. I've never really been scared of him on a day to day basis, only when he's actually been physically threatening, but I'm wondering of as he feels he is losing control if things might escalate, so I really don't want him to have a key. Apart from anything else he just let himself in this morning and said it's his house.

You have to assume that this is going to escalate because, sadly, that's a fairly common development in cases such as yours. The most dangerous time is when the abuser realises they are losing the game. He can't be allowed to just let himself in and out of your home at will - and that's regardless of the ownership or tenancy arrangement. You will never be able to relax, let alone move on.

As well as Army Welfare, I really think you have to get the threats to kill pets and the other aggression on record with the police.

Is it the military police you speak to in these circumstances?

Can I ask what age the DC are?

Thankyou. It would be civvy police. Welfare have told me to ring them immediately if I feel threatened.

Idefix, he already has a room in the officers mess. He got it at the weekend. I suspect that is part of the reason he uses moving out in the way he does, it's very easy to move out. Sadly, I also suspect his rank is affecting things. The padre turned up yesterday and was a bit weird (well, he is a bit difficult to take to I find anyway) after he'd been here he apparently rang my hubs and and told him I was drunk! I was not is had two glasses of wine, which although I accept drinking isn't really sensible at the moment, is hardly a crime, surely? I won't be drinking again though, I don't want to give him ammunition.

Mexican, I'm not on antidepressants at the moment. I am on oral steroids though and other quite nasty treatment for a health condition. One of the main side effects from the steroids is depression/mental illness. I am swing the GP again next week and my hospital doctor tomorrow, but because of the condition I have and the medication I'm already on, giving education for the depression is very complicated.

I'm seeing someone from AFF shortly.

You are doing yourself no favours by drinking, either physically or mentally. But I am sure you know that.

It could also be twisted and used against you. Already your H is painting you as the deranged aggressive one. Don't play onto his hands.

Don't touch padres or other religious types with a shitty stick if you're experiencing marital problems - especially not where DV is involved and especially not if they are going to behave as crassly as to betray your confidence the minute they step out of the door! The man should hang his head in shame.

Get the police instead.

Thanks. I know the drinking was bloody stupid! I won't be doing it again. I suspect he does want to make me look bad, but he's extremely unlikely to be able to do anything other than that.

I agree about the padre. I'm an atheist anyway, so not quite sure how he's involved. He made me feel like a naughty kid when he came to the door yesterday and obviously reporting on me to a man who's been violent probably isn't the most sensible move!

I have spoken to the AFF coordinator. It was a mistake tbh. She kept saying how my husband seems like such a nice man, like he cares so much about his family, couldn't we sort it out, did I think he had moved out as he can't cope with arguing, was he acting like this as he was worried about me etc etc. I spelled out to her that he has a history of violence, including with his ex wife (he minimalised that too) and she kept saying we should go for counselling, would it help if her husband talked to him etc etc. it was all a bit surreal tbh. It made me wonder if I'm doing the right thing and I really don't need anyone making me feel like that at the moment.

I am getting the baby to sleep and then I'm going to try phoning women's aid. I'm wondering if the army system is best avoided. After all, people in civvy street seperate all the time without army help and the only way the army really affects me is housing.

I don't know about the 'army system' but, from the contact you've had already, they appear to be a) dangerously misinformed and b) biased in favour of keeping the serving personnel sweet rather than helping the victim. Appalling.... like the last fifty years never happened.

Think the advice stands to contact Womens Aid, the police and other bodies that have no vested interest in your husband.