Am I abusive, or him?

[hesgonenow]

I don't really understand what is happening. My husband left at the weekend. Amid me crying my eyes out he told me he didn't love me, packed his stuff and moved out. Not the first time and I wonder if he uses moving out as a way of control. He's been violent in the past and although he hasn't been violent for years, he uses physical aggression instead. At the weekend he held his fist to my face, told me everyone is better off without me, that I'm 'mental' and threatened to kill my pets.

I have depression and am currently on medication that makes it worse. There's no alternative. It also makes me moody/up and down and I know this is difficult to live with. I did tear up some photo of us at the weekend after he said he didn't love me. I have thrown things before. I do get irrational about things.

He is denying holding his fist to my face. He's denying saying everyone is better off without me. He says I'm abusive.

I'm confused. I don't know what to think. Maybe it's my fault? Am I abusive? I'm horrified.

Well it seems now they have contacted my health visitor! Or actually, not my usual health visitor, it's a new one. My own HV obviously knows me. I initially thought the GP must have contacted her as I saw him yesterday, but she didn't know I'd seen the GP. I asked if someone in army welfare or similar had contacted her and she said she would discuss it with me on Thursday when she visits, but she seemed very disproving and has clearly been given the impression that I can't cope. I appreciate it may be protocol in these situations to contact the HV, but surely whoever has done it (and bearing in mind it will either be the padre, the welfare office or army welfare service, all of whom are supposed to be helping me) should have explained to me that they had to make contact in order to maintain a relationship of trust? I've got nothing to hide, but I'm furious.

Sadly, my Mum has told me this lunchtime that she walked in on my husband grabbing my 13 year old round the throat a few months ago during a visit when I was in hospital. I am absolutely furious and I am horrified she thought I knew and do nothing so didn't say anything to me. My son is at his dads at the moment, but I obviously need to discuss this with him and I'm not sure if I should go to the police regarding this, especially since I am not entirely sure when it happened.

I've contacted women's aid and am going in to see them next week. They were great on the phone and helped me see things more clearly. They totally acknowledged that I am not going mad, that. His tactics are not uncommon and that it seems like he is creating an impression to those around him that I am unstable. They felt it was strange that army welfare would try and arrange couples counselling where there has been violence and I think for me this is a further red flag regarding army procedures and the fact they appear to normalise and even defend domestic violence. I am going to use women's aid for support and avoid the army except for housing enquiries. I am also going to see if I can put the 93 days notice in myself.

I'm struggling. This is the worst time of day. When he'd be almost getting back from work and I'm tired and exhausted. I only got two hours sleep last night and I am going to struggle until bed time. Emotionally really. I can cope with the practical stuff. Why can't I have a lovely husband who just scoops me up in his arms and makes it all ok instead of the one I have got?

I would lodge a complaint with you surgery about the new HV's proposed visit, turn it down, and demand to know what reports have been made and by whom. Your medical condition should be entirely confidential and not being discussed by other people. It's positively sinister.

Glad you're going to see Womens Aid and that you are avoiding the army. It's quite clear that the army services are acting like a closed shop, siding with your STBX and - aside from anything else - behaving in a damaging and unprofessional manner reminiscent of thirty or forty years ago, not this day and age.

As regards the assault on your son, your mother is a perfectly good eye witness if you wanted to report it to the police. Taken in conjunction with his violent behaviour, threats to kill pets and so on, there is a lot of evidence piling up. He should never be in sole charge of your children, put it that way.

"Why can't I have a lovely husband who just scoops me up in his arms and makes it all ok instead of the one I have got? "

Because you're unlucky, that's all. If your family is nearby and knows what's going on would they look after the house and children for a while so that you can get some proper sleep? Do you have friends you could call on the phone?

Hesgonenow, even those who have 'normal' marriages don't have DH's who scoop them up and make everything ok.

Much as I love my DH, the period from 4 - 6.30 for me is spent collecting DC from school, badgering them to get changed, wash hands, hang up coats, interrogating them as to where their missing lunch box is; then homework; making dinner and unpacking the dishwasher.

DH will wander in at about 6.30, open the fridge and make a snack for himself. He would sit down and do the crossword with his feet up if he had half a chance. Every. Single. Time. Despite. My. Incredulous. Stares.

Can your Mum be with you when the HV arrives?

I agree that the army seem intent on just getting you to STFU and behave.

Thanks for replying, it really helps. My mum is over 500 miles away sadly. No family nearby. Not long to go until bedtime now though, then I can get some rest. Cleaning up will wait until tomorrow I'm sure, although it's not too bad.

Why are you not sleeping? Is it because of DC or medical issues, or stress?

What age is the baby? Could your eldest look after him / her and let you get some rest?

Gosh, OP, I am so sorry now for passing on a recommendation I saw on another thread and that has just made things worse for you. I'm glad you are in contact with Women's Aid, at least.

I'm not sleeping as my medication keeps me awake, but I also have to stay up late to monitor myself/my condition.

Mexican, don't be sorry, I would have done the same thing initially anyway, these people are supposed to be ones I can trust to help me.

My eldest has been helping a lot. I've been in and out of hospital and he's been wonderful. I just feel it's not his responsibility so I only ask for his help when I really need it.

Really sorry to hear how crappy army support is being. It is not always like this, at least from other friends experiences, although they were not based in the uk at the time of separation.
Really hope women's aid helps. I would try and write down some of the significant events that have happened with you and children, I know this can be hard when you are so ill and stressed. Is there anyone who could be with you for moral support when HV visits? Would also ask for meeting with usual HV after all she is the one who knows you and your family best.

Well I'm struggling tbh. I feel so lonely and it seems that finding a house with my pets and while (initially) on benefits will be very difficult. I really can't give up my animals, they're my sanity.

What kind of pets? Have to say we found it hard finding a rental when we were last in the uk. Personally don't think pets in cages matter so much cat and esp dogs seem to be the big no no.
Everything is bound to be overwhelming right now and you can only do what you can do. I would register with some agencies with pets and some without. My dogs create less mess than my dc and never saw our landlord when we had our rental for 8mths and so could have got away without mentioning them tbh.
How did things go with the HV?
Really cheeses me off to think the mil have done the old close shoulder thing with you. If you are on fb I can really recommend joining a group called marriedqtrsrus. The girls on there are very knowledgeable.
Remember you have 93 days to quit the qtr, use that to your advantage whilst you sort things out. I think you can even stay on after that if needs be. Would recommend contacting aff hw and ssafa. Don't let local aff lady put you off, volunteer or not she should have been professional.
You need to find out your rights, fairly sure that stbxh can be banned from qtr if he is bothering you.

Stay strong, sending you a cyber hug xxx

The 93 days only start when you/stbxh inform housing.

Thankyou for replying. I'm sat here crying. It's my fault. He text me earlier and I'd started to think that if he wanted it to work and agreed to do some counselling and get sorted while living in the mess that maybe we could see how things went/work of things once he had had counselling or whatever programme they have for perpetrators of domestic violence. I am an idiot. He is still denying threatening me with his fist, he says I am trying to ruin his career etc. then he just stopped texting back and ignored me. I feel so stupid and worthless, even someone who does that doesn't want me. I shouldn't have given him the chance to make me feel like this.

I am going to ask the GP for counselling on Monday and the person from army welfare is coming tomorrow and I am going to ask if I can access relate counselling by myself. If it's suitable. (They can arrange for couples, not sure if I can do it myself)

The HV was a bit difficult tbh. My friend was here as I asked her to be for support and the HV clearly wasn't happy with that. I haven't yet registered with a new GP (moved a few miles up the road in April) as I need a copy of my marriage cert. for ID and as I've bee in and out of hospital etc I just haven't got round to it as we got married abroad. She just kept focusing on that and really went on about it and was, frankly, patronising. My friend said she felt she clearly had preconcieved ideas/an agenda before she got here. She asked if I was comfortable speaking in front of my friend, which I said I was bit then insisted on talking to me separately anyway and said she had been contacted due to the domestic violence and that army welfare had contacted her. That is fine, I appreciate it is protocol/procedure, but I do feel that due to confidentiality that I should have been told she was being contacted. She was a bit better by the end, but I found the whole thing upsetting really. Particularly as I haven't done anything wrong, but I felt I was the one under scrutiny, yet who the hell is questioning him?

Hang in there OP. One step at a time. It hard now but it will get easier with time.

Poor you :(
I have a feeling you can have relate counselling as a single person, my db was offered this a long time ago (8yrs). I really feel you need some kind of support to help you. It will get better, it takes time.
Sadly I can't imagine that he will change if he doesn't accept that he has done anything wrong.

I think HV was really trying to assess the risk of DV that your dc maybe at risk from and whether you plan to get back together with him as this will change the level of risk for the DC again.
I hope that aws are more helpful/supportive than the other people you have so far dealt with.
Makes some phone calls and sort out that marriage certificate, you need all the support you can get and a gp is another good source.
Hope today is a little better for you

What Idefix said.

Glad your friend was with you.

Get the GP sorted.

Your depression will go when that abusive cunt is out of your life for good. I hope you get the support you need. Can you apply to the local authority for housing?

You have more power than you think in this situation. I am from a forces background and sadly there is a stigma attached to families who use the welfare system. However for YOU and the families this is a good thing. He's frightened for his career and he is right to be, the forces don't like unstable officers and tend to sideline them where possible. I would stop talking to Padre's etc, they're useless and will only be on his side. HE is the one in the forces.

I would be extremely forceful now and tell him he can do this the easy way or the hard way and you won't have to say it but he knows the hard way ends up with his career in shreds. And yes the ability to be moving in and out to the mess is something i have seen used before to keep wives in line my own Dad did it once or twice.

Forces Welfare have to take care of you, you'll be rehoused as a priority with lots of support, it's not the worst situation you could be in.

It's hard but try not to text or contact him anymore, start letting HIM sweat a bit even if it's only about his career.

hesgone I am thinking of you. Try to focus on what things will be like once you are past the difficult stage of sorting everu thing out. You have a happy future ahead of you, without your abusive husband. He is bullying and manipulative and not worth your sorrow or thoughts.

I feel so stupid and worthless. You are neither of these things. You are worth love, kindness and peace of mind.

I don't think there is any going back from a fist in the face, and no matter what your gaslighting h says or doesn't say, we know it happened.

everything out

Thankyou again.

Just to clarify, I am registered with a GP, I saw them on Monday and have an appointment for the coming Monday. It's just that I'm now slightly out of their area, so they want me to move.

Army welfare were actually really helpful and the worker is my own worker now, nothing to do with my husband, purely to support me. He is getting in touch with another organisation who may be able to help with a deposit and up to three months rent in advance, which may help with the housing. I'm going to try some more agents this afternoon as he is coming to take the children out. (Only the youngest two are his) he is also having them tomorrow so I am planning to take my other two out (three more but one is at his Dads) to the cinema and then for lunch.

I have made applications to the local authorities where I want to live and have been in touch by phone, I'm also considering looking locally as my oldest son wants to stay here, which makes things trickier!

Its the evenings that are hardest, too much time to think.