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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did he take his ring off...?

61 replies

CoffeeWithSingleCream · 13/10/2014 17:10

I think I know the answer to this question, but wanted to see what others think...

I was tidying my husband's home office/spare bedroom today (as I was fed up of it being a tip) and I noticed his wedding ring on a shelf below the keyboard. He sometimes takes it off in the bathroom and kitchen (bathing dd, washing up etc) and forgets to out it back on - but not elsewhere before. It is probably relevant to point out that he is left handed....

He was working late last night after I went to bed. I don't have any concerns about this - he is self employed and incredibly busy and stressed at the moment so he works every other evening after I have gone to bed. This has only been going on for the last few weeks, and he doesn't think he'll have to do that for much longer.

We had a chat about porn a few weeks ago after I found tons of it whilst looking for a file on the computer. He deleted it all (I didn't ask him to but I made it clear that I wasn't impressed). Since then he has given the computer a good clear out. He frequently deletes his internet history, but when I had a look today he was online doing normal type stuff last night (amazon, trip advisor etc - so much for the working Hmm) but there is a complete internet black hole in the history between 11.30pm and 12.20am.

There are two options - one is bearable and the other is awful. What do you wise people think? Tia Thanks

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 20:30

Ask him if it's porn or webcam.

When he denies both, tell him not to delete any history so that you can check for yourself.

He wouldn't have a problem with that would he? If it helps to put his wife's mind at rest, it's no big deal. Very easy to just not tamper with the history.

CushionLove · 13/10/2014 21:04

Lois, Seth.

Has the support of our fellow mumsnetters' in crisis really reduced to masturbation theory and comparison with a comedian's observational humour about clearing internet browsing history?

Suggesting that OP should increase her concern and suspicion?

I hope you get to the bottom of your current concerns Coffee. Hopefully these are worries that your DH can explain if you ask him openly. And if he can't, I am sure you will see the signs of deceit.

But please don't allow your imagination to run wild by these examples of petty small mindedness.

Seth · 13/10/2014 22:11

Cushion

I wrote to the OP to illustrate that it seems to be quite common for people who might have something to hide to delete their history and try and cover their tracks. The fact that it happened to be some comedians discussing it is irrelevant.

I think you misunderstood the intention of my post as it was in no way making light of Op's situation, having been in a similar situation myself.

Coffee I hope you manage to get some answers and some peace of mind.

CushionLove · 13/10/2014 23:27

i don't think I misunderstood you Seth. I think it just a little petty and unhelpful to fuel someone else's insecurity with your own.

Sorry to hear youve been in a similar situation yourself. But there could be a hundred explanations for op's situation. It doesn't have to mirror your own.

I hope you also manage to find some peace of mind.

Drumdrum60 · 13/10/2014 23:38

Hilarious but shouldn't be

smellycandles · 13/10/2014 23:47

I wear my wedding ring about 50% of the time. As a PP said, the only reason I don't wear it is when I'm seeing the OW or shagging a prossie.

Incredibly though I can still have intercourse when it's on. Shock

On, off, makes literally fuck all difference to what's happening with my gebitsls.

smellycandles · 13/10/2014 23:47

GENITALS.

HerdyHerdwick · 13/10/2014 23:51

candles
Grin

NetballHoop · 13/10/2014 23:53

I quite often take off my wedding ring when I'm working at the PC. It just feels more comfortable when typing.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2014 23:55

He did something that broke your trust 18 months ago - and you haven't had sex since you got married.
Even if that wedding ring was glued on, I'd be listening to your gut instinct on this.

kaykayblue · 14/10/2014 09:14

Maybe something for you to bear in mind OP - you can get a marriage annulled if you haven't had sex with your spouse since the wedding took place.

Also, the internet history is really neither here nor there. Even if you confront him about it and ask him not to delete it in future so you can check up on him (again, great way to live...) then he can just use something called PRIVATE BROWSING.

seasavage · 14/10/2014 09:23

I realise gut instinct is important. But. Is there ANY possibility that the 'black hole' in browsing is because he did do the work he stayed up to do (spreadsheets or whatever)?

Panad · 14/10/2014 09:44

Why have you not had sex for 18 months? That's odd isn't it?

LoisPumpkinPieLane · 14/10/2014 10:17

I just realised I have been TOLD OFF on the internet. I'll go and stand in the corridor and THINK ABOUT what I've done.

GoatsDoRoam · 14/10/2014 11:25

Lois is my hero on this thread.

OP, if your husband regularly takes his ring off (you mention bathroom, bathing DD), then it was prob just another task he likes bare hands for.

But it sounds like the "big fuck-up" of 18 months ago is the real issue here. What closure have you not gotten that you still need?

mammadiggingdeep · 14/10/2014 11:42

I do also take my rings off when typing.

By the way, there are some really patronising posters on this thread, and yes, some posters have been told off!!

freshlysharpenedpencils · 14/10/2014 11:51

It wouldn't even register with me if other half took his wedding ring off. It wouldn't register with him if I took mine off either.

SweetErmengarde · 14/10/2014 12:05

So 18 months ago, the OP's H made a "fuck-up" of such proportions that she is unwilling to discuss it on an anonymous forum.

They also have not been intimate since their wedding.

I would say those things are more important than his browsing history or what he does with his wedding ring, though they may be related, especially if the fuckup involved online infidelity eg webcamming.

LoisPumpkinPieLane · 14/10/2014 12:11

Agreed. Not having been intimate (there's a lovely old-fashioned expression) since your wedding is quite strange.

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 14/10/2014 12:12

If there is a complete black hole in the Internet history that suggests the use of private browsing

I also read in to the OP that there is some history after 12.20 which is why it is obvious there is a 50 minute gap, which again suggests private browsing so you can't see what he's been looking at

Looks like the only way you are going to find out is to sneak down after going to bed although you only get the one chance at this and if he isn't doing anything will then know you suspect after you have walked in to see what he is doing
Even if you can get to sneak a peak through the door it only takes so much as a creaky floorboard and he can shut the screen down and be all innocent by the time you have got to look
Better way would be something called a keystroke logger which you may be able to install and hide so you can open it up and check what he has searched or visited

SweetErmengarde · 14/10/2014 12:25

Surely it would be easier all round just to say "Look, DH, I didn't sign up for a sexless marriage and I'm still unhappy about what you did. How doyou propose we address this?"

The OP could tie herself up in knots tiptoeing around surveilling her DH, but marriage is not a court. She doesn't require evidenceof wrongdoing to state that she is unhappy and things need to change. All she needs is the courage to enforce her line in the sand if he doesn't wholeheartedly engage with her in making things better.

Panad · 14/10/2014 12:26

Just notice OP has not come back to the thread.

InfinitySeven · 14/10/2014 12:34

Honestly, an annulment is a better option then a key log tracker.

At least court won't end in a criminal record that way.

Panad · 14/10/2014 12:55

I still find it odd that they haven't had sex for that long and yet OP didn't say much about the lack of sex. Surely that is the really big issue isn't it?

SweetErmengarde · 14/10/2014 13:02

It would be for me, and while I would make a connection between no sex and the late-night ringless internet use, I wouldn't need to know exactly what my DH was up to to feel able to say "Hey, not happy here!"