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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Forgiving but not forgetting

34 replies

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 14:26

I really had to namechange for this. Sorry.

A few months ago I discovered something horrible. I don't feel able to go into details right now but I'm sure you can imagine the gist of it. Curiosity, misery (with himself), drunkeness etc.

I love my partner very much. He was incredibly remorseful for what he'd done and did not follow the MN script, much to my surprise. He blamed himself for everything, said he would do anything and that regardless of status of our relationship, he wanted to be there for me to help me through it.

Fast forward a couple of months and we're still together, despite my tears and shouting and frequent revisiting of what happened.

In the last couple of weeks I found that I was thinking about it less and we were actually able to be somewhat normal again. It felt like things were starting to move forward.

However, I had a god awful thought last night that wouldn't go away. He asked me what was wrong. He is stressed and has health problems, and has said that he can't keep revisiting this - that it's doing him and us no good.

So, my question is, if I were to stay in this relationship, is drawing a line under it and no longer talking about it reasonable? I do see that it's probably not fair or doing us any good to bring any of it up, but it still feels very fresh to me.

I know I could leave him, but I love him and I'd like to try to move on from this. Any advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 13/10/2014 14:29

There does come a point when its not ok or healthy to throw it in someone's face, but if a thought crosses your mind you should be able to ask, even if its in 20 years time..

kaykayblue · 13/10/2014 14:40

So basically he thinks that now you have decided not to dump him for his infidelity, that you should just shit up about it?

A couple of months after an affair being discovered is NOTHING. I mean, sure, if it was five years down the line, and the relationship had "recovered" then it would be reasonable for him to say "please don't throw that back in my face" but after a couple of months???

No. Basically your husband is being a prize A twat of the highest order.

A couple of months is NOTHING. For him to expect you to have "gotten over it" by now is frankly insulting.

kaykayblue · 13/10/2014 14:40

woops! shut up about it, that should have been!

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 14:46

I know kaykay. That's what I said, basically.

It wasn't an affair, FWIW, but I certainly class it as infidelity and there were a great many lies.

But then, I know he is human too and I have to consider his feelings. Not out of duty but consideration I would give to anyone. He has quite an unpleasant illness at the moment that is exacerbated by stress. A real illness, not a made up one. I know he is very anxious about it, which has obviously played a part in him switching from being supportive to this 'I can't keep talking about it'

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overslept · 13/10/2014 14:49

Ex cheated on me very early on into the relationship (about 3 weeks in) and told me about it straight away, blamed himself etc. I should have left then and there but I was all caught up in him and thought I could get past it. The relationship lasted 5 years, it wasn't all bad but it NEVER went away, I could never draw a line under it, it always felt fresh and hurt constantly. I tried to stop bringing it up but that didn't help. If I was in that position again I'd walk away the second I found out. I met somebody new after splitting from ex, and the relief of that not hanging over me in this new relationship is just amazing, it was like a constant pain that was always there with my ex but I got so used to it I stopped noticing until it was gone. New DP is lovely, very much my best friend as well and I can trust him totally, it's a lovely feeling.

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 14:59

God, I'm crying now.

Why oh why did he do it

OP posts:

Jan45 · 13/10/2014 15:16

A few months and you've to shut up about it, sorry it doesn't work like that, it could be that you won't ever get over it and will end up splitting for the good of both of you but don't expect to forget what happened for a long time to come and you are perfectly entitled to bring it up as much as you want.

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 15:22

I don't expect to ever forget it. I think I've titled this thread badly.

I know I can't be expected to just stop talking about it, though. He sees things so black and white sometimes. He doesn't understand why I would bring it up when we've talked about it so much. Or after we'd had a nice day together. Which, to a point, I understand. Doesn't make it right but I understand.

I love him so much and don't want to lose him. He doesn't want to lose me, either (he should have thought of that before... I know). It's so hard.

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Jan45 · 13/10/2014 15:28

I'm afraid he has to take your criticisms of him with good grace, he fucked it, not you, if he can't or is impatient with you then I think that tells you a lot about his remorse and his willingness to really make a go of it. Personally I think you are giving him far too much consideration, he should feel on a back foot with you, in other words, don't make it so easy for him to get away with it, whatever he has done he has broken your trust in him, it's his job to repair that not yours. If you feel in your heart he's not giving you what you need then it's time to move on and not make yourself suffer anymore only to end up feeling just as bad as at the start.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2014 15:32

He 'said he would do anything' but two months on that doesn't include actually letting you talk about it because he is stressed...

He needs to work a bit harder at that 'doing anything' to make amends bit...

He wants to pretend it never happened. He wants you to pretend it never happened. That is not a recipe for actually moving on from any traumatic event.

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 15:33

I know. It's a mess. I'm devastated all over again. I'm struggling to breathe.

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Noctambulist · 13/10/2014 15:37

Just wanted to point out that 'blaming himself for everything, saying he would do anything and that regardless of status of our relationship, he wanted to be there for me to help me through it' is following the script.

They all cry when they're found out. They'll all promise whatever they judge they need to to get you to shut up.

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 15:38

He isn't like that, Noct. He really isn't.

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Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 15:42

He has done everything I've asked, and has been there for me at all hours of the day when I've been upset. It's just been in the past couple of weeks he's started to say that he can't cope with it any more, since he has been ill.

I agree, it is not for him to tell me when to stop talking about it. But he is not a bad person. I don't believe he is following any script.

OP posts:

Asteria · 13/10/2014 15:43

Have you tried relate? If you both want to try and work through this then it may really help. It gives you a safe platform to work through your feelings, rather than bottling up and then having outbursts. Try and focus on wanting to be together and work up from there.
It is still early days for you, but with things that have deeply upset me in the past I have tried to rationalise "will discussing it endlessly change anything?". Therapy would give you chance for a final, thorough airing and them you might find it easier to not torture yourself with the what ifs.

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 15:43

I would like some support with how to cope with it, regardless of whether I stay with him or not. I'm very upset and finding this so hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 15:48

Thank you Asteria.

I have thought about counselling but the issue with that is that I would have to pay for it for now, as he is waiting for some money to be released and until then, he has virtually no money. (He is not a cocklodger, before somebody suggests it.)

In theory I am okay with that, but then I wonder if that's actually very silly?

OP posts:

worserevived · 13/10/2014 15:48

It's really early days, a few months is nothing. You'll find yourself up and down and all over the place for a long time yet, but provided both of you genuinely want to be together and try to make things work, the bad days will get fewer, and you will start to move on.

Have you read any books on over coming infidelity and moving on from it? That might help. One thing that didn't occur to me was talking about it is painful to the one at fault, because they are hurting too for different reasons. Shame for one. Also a broken relationship with the OW. You say it wasn't an affair, but it was something, so he would have had feeling for someone else I imagine. He hurt that someone too, he'll be feeling bad about that as well. It's all very warped and complicated, but it does help to understand both sides of the equation.

At some level you do need to put this behind you for your own sanity, but that doesn't mean not talking about it. Using it as a stick to beat him is counter product and will corrode everything further, but sharing how you are feeling, why you are hurting, asking questions to fill in the gaps, that's fine. He has to deal with that. If he isn't prepared allow you that he really isn't worth it.

Just remember he has to work to prove to you he is good enough.

Two years on here from a full affair, and I'm ok, 99.9% of the time. It does get better, and I think relationships post something like this can actually be stronger because you learn to value each other and not take anything for granted. That's a can not a definitely will be. All depends on the individuals involved.

overslept · 13/10/2014 15:51

I actually think you should consider going away for a few weeks to see how you feel and clear your head. At the moment you are dealing with this and feeling very raw and uncertain, you also seem to feel guilty about making him stressed because of his illness and you don't need that at the moment. You shouldn't be feeling bad about stressing him at all, and a break for you will mean you don't have to constantly worry that you might bring it up and he can have a good long think about how he is behaving by asking you to not talk about it. Do you have friends/relatives somewhere that you could stay with?

He says "HE can't cope with it any more" ... wow.

Take yourself away somewhere nice, treat yourself, forget about him for a while and see how you feel without him there. Don't let him talk you out of going either, he won't suddenly become "unwell" just because you aren't there.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2014 16:19

I think the idea that they are 'following a script' makes it sound like it is conscious and deliberate.

In reality, it more often means that they are doing the same things that others do, for the same reasons, without it being a deliberate choice to try to manipulate you.

He wants it to be 'in the past' and thinks that you should accept that to his timescale, and not to your own. That is quite normal, because we all want the bad things that we've done to just melt away into the background and stop being right there in front of us making us feel guilty.

But, even if he's stressed and ill, that can't trump your need as the injured party to understand and come to terms with it - these thoughts are going to pop up from time to time. If that was all the time, and you were constantly needing to talk about it, then maybe that would be a sign that you weren't able to move on at all. But you say yourself it has got easier the last couple of weeks, and has faded out a little, which is good.

But he can't just say it's not okay for you to still have issues.

Is his illness likely to get better in a reasonably short space of time? If he could be sure to be better in a fortnight, then maybe I'd consider leaving the topic for that long. But unpleasant illnesses that are worsened by stress tend not to work that way, so you could find yourself agreeing not to talk about it indefinitely, by which point it has poisoned inside you, but he thinks it's all gone away...

cuddybridge · 13/10/2014 18:25

I am two years on from discovering my DH EA, it was awful at the time and was all consuming for at least 6 months, then it slowly lessened in impact, but its still there today, not every day bit certainly every week.
I think that if talk to your DH about a realistic timescale for this to become less hurtful, then at least you can both see how you feel about it

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 18:34

It won't go away. Early days after discovering something unsavoury about a partner you're highly motivated to forgive, there's lots of rationalising, internal bargaining, you want things to be normal & everyone's making a special effort. A few months on that phase rather wears off, you're less motivated, the partner is making less effort (or wants you to 'get over it') and you're left with the reality of what you've chosen. IME that can be a bigger disappointment than the original offence. A spoiled relationship that will always be just a little bit worse.

Don't envy you. Hope you find happiness.

Original poster

ThatFire · 13/10/2014 18:39

I can't catch my breath for crying. I just love him so much and don't want to be without him.

I have virtually no RL support and right now I feel like I want it all to go away. I can't cope with living any more.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 18:43

If you're saying you're feeling suicidal, please talk to Samaritans. If you think you may be depressed, please talk to your doctor. It's horrible to be betrayed and I know what it's like to feel that you can't live without them when they've done their best to ruin everything. Whatever the outcome, life does eventually go on.

Castlemilk · 13/10/2014 18:47

In short, if this is how he feels - if this is the limit he 'can cope with' - then the best thing you can do is simply tell him that it therefore has to be over.

Because 'doing anything' to make it better actually means going through a lot of unpleasant shit for a long time, hearing it again and again, having it hit him in the face again and again and again, just when it's the last thing he wants to hear- when you've had a lovely day out, for example.

It will be like this for a long long time.

Not because you want to hurt or punish him, but because 'doing anything' means walking the road he's forced you to walk, alongside you. Because having a nice day together for you now, for example, is bittersweet - because while you enjy the day, you'll also be feeling as miserable as sin. In bed, it will be the same. At dinner, it will be the same. On a night out, it will be the same. For a LONG time.

So, if what he meant when he said he'd 'do anything' is 'I'll cry and be sad and tell you whatever you want but only for a certain length of time, I can't cope with more' - then you tell him that actually, that isn't 'doing anything', and it's not how it works, and kiss him goodbye.

Stupid man.

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