Forgiving but not forgetting

[ThatFire]

I really had to namechange for this. Sorry.

A few months ago I discovered something horrible. I don't feel able to go into details right now but I'm sure you can imagine the gist of it. Curiosity, misery (with himself), drunkeness etc.

I love my partner very much. He was incredibly remorseful for what he'd done and did not follow the MN script, much to my surprise. He blamed himself for everything, said he would do anything and that regardless of status of our relationship, he wanted to be there for me to help me through it.

Fast forward a couple of months and we're still together, despite my tears and shouting and frequent revisiting of what happened.

In the last couple of weeks I found that I was thinking about it less and we were actually able to be somewhat normal again. It felt like things were starting to move forward.

However, I had a god awful thought last night that wouldn't go away. He asked me what was wrong. He is stressed and has health problems, and has said that he can't keep revisiting this - that it's doing him and us no good.

So, my question is, if I were to stay in this relationship, is drawing a line under it and no longer talking about it reasonable? I do see that it's probably not fair or doing us any good to bring any of it up, but it still feels very fresh to me.

I know I could leave him, but I love him and I'd like to try to move on from this. Any advice is much appreciated.

The hardest thing I think must be the way this kind of situation really shows what someone is like when the chips are down.

Not only has he betrayed you and what you thought you had, you're now seeing that he's a coward who pays lip service and no more to trying to sort this out. Yes, you're alone - because far from standing beside you and walking this road with you, he's limped off to the side after no time at all.

You may love him, but you're seeing who he is as much by this reaction as by what he did. Mr. Can't Cope - not even with the after math of his own mistakes.

He doesn't sound worth it.

Yes, you're exactly right Castle, and I'm finding it unbearable.

The only person I want at this moment is him, to hold me until I can't cry any more. But he isn't here. I can't change it.

Do you really have no one IRL? Friends? Family? Someone you can confide in over the phone if not in person? He seems to be getting lots of support for whatever is supposed to ail him. Who is looking after you?

One of the most disorientating aspects of being let down by your partner is that they are normally the person you go to when feeling down or stressed. Instead they're the cause of the stress so you're all at sea.

Nobody. No family. Friends are not partiularly close and busy with their own lives. I feel so alone now.

Are you living together and are you currently providing the main source of support for him in his illness?

Maybe that needs to change, at least temporarily. You need space from him.

Sometimes, in a crisis, you can find that a not particularly close friend can become very close. Please confide in someone that you're struggling.

We do live together but this morning I asked him to leave. Well, threw his stuff at him actually. I wasn't very nice. It wasn't what I wanted. I don't know why I have to act on impulse.

He's been managing his illness so I haven't really been supporting him with that, no. He's been in a lot of pain.

I want to make contact but it will make me look so pathetic. I am pathetic.

I have confided in several people today, but they're all so busy.

What he did? Was it an affair or something else?