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Relationships

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Original poster

Something DP said is playing on my mind - does he want me to split with him?

35 replies

CrackerWoman · 13/10/2014 13:19

So over the past 3 weeks or so I've stumbled across a number of dodgy things that DP was doing behind my back such as signing up to chat/dating sites and iphone apps.

After confronting him the first time he denied it all and then admitted that he had done it but said it was a one off/he was drunk/it was a moment of madness which he deleted after straight away etc.

We had a massive argument over it in which he more or less said I was over-reacting as these things were literally downloaded and then deleted more or less straight away. He almost made out that I was being unreasonable to make a massive issue out of it.

I let it go.

About a week later I find evidence that he is STILL actively using the chat app to speak to other women. I confront him and expect more lies but to my surprise he admits it straight away, admitted that he carried on using the app after we had the huge row and that he didn't know why and couldn't explain it.

He later went on to say that he wondered if deep down, he wanted to split up but wanted me to be the one to finish it.

In the heat of anger I told him I'd make it easy for him and finish it there and then. He showed a mix reaction - firstly saying "ok if that's what you want, I don't really want to split up but I understand why you'd want to and I can't change how you feel .... " (yeah don't try too hard ... :-( )

He later changed this to say that he really didn't want to break up, he was gutted that he'd upset me and he'd prove to me that he loved me and wanted me etc and he'd stop pratting around on chat sites.

We've kind of drifted on for a few days but I can't help thinking about when he said he wondered if he really wanted to break up so was doing stuff to ruin the relationship ... you wouldn't say this unless it was the truth would you?

So why then did he change his mind and make a point of trying to convince me not to finish it??

Really, does he want me to be the one to finish it?

OP posts:

Letthemtalk · 13/10/2014 13:20

What do YOU want??

AnyFucker · 13/10/2014 13:20

Who cares ?

Drop kick the game playing arsehole. Find a proper man.

cherrybombxo · 13/10/2014 13:21

Probably. I think a lot of people would like to end their relationships but don't want to be the "bad guy", the one who finally pulls the plug. It's easier if the decision is out of their hands.

He sounds very immature about the whole thing.

Original poster

CrackerWoman · 13/10/2014 13:22

I want the man I thought he was before all this started :-( I used to love him so much. Now I wonder who the hell he is lately.

OP posts:

Fudgeface123 · 13/10/2014 13:23

Wants you to dump him then he can tell everyone he's the victim...sadly he's probably already got someone waiting in the wings. I speak from experience

LadyintheRadiator · 13/10/2014 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CrackerWoman · 13/10/2014 13:25

I did wonder about that Fudgeface - he said he didn't know why he did it but something changed between us 3 weeks ago and he couldn't explain what it was. I asked him if he'd met someone else - he said no.

He doesn't really do much other than work and home so I'm assuming any potential OW would be someone from work.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 13/10/2014 13:26

Either way he was bored of your relationship and was looking elsewhere for thrills.

Relationships are built on love, respect and trust. Your relationship certainly doesn't have respect and the trust has surely gone. ask yourself if you want to stay? Even if the answer is yes it takes two people to work at these things and tbh it's what people do that matters not what they say.

When a man shows you who he is do not listen to who he says he is. Because he has demonstrated that he is a lying, cheating toad. If that's who you want then by all means stay but if it's not then well you know what you gotta do...........

MerryMarigold · 13/10/2014 13:29

He's already dumped you. He knew he'd really upset you and then just carried on doing the thing that upset you - which involves other women. He's dumped you OP, whilst waiting for you to 'dump' him. Maybe he's counting how many more meals and shags he can get out of you in the meantime. Have some self respect woman.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 13/10/2014 13:32

So since saying he doesn't want to break up and is gutted to have upset you, what has he been doing to attempt to build bridges and prove that he loves you and you can trust him?

I assume you've got full access to his phone, ipad, emails, etc and he account for his whereabouts at all times.

I assume he's committed to fully immersing himself back in to life with you, being a loving, caring, supportive partner, spoiling you and showering you with love.

I assume he's looking into some kind of counselling for himself, or doing some work on why he thought it was absolutely fine to sign up to dating sites to chat to other women (and possibly more?) and then when confronted, lie to you and try to make out that you were over-reacting and unreasonable.

No? Thought not. He's just not that arsed either way, is he.

Whatever the reason, does it matter? Dump him. He's wasting your time.

StopStalkingMe · 13/10/2014 13:46

He is taking the cowardly approach to this. He doesn't want to be with you really, all these chat sites? He wants you to do the nasty bit for him? (so he can look the victim?)
Do you want to live like a door mat until he finally plucks up the courage leave? Beat him to it, ltb.

Original poster

CrackerWoman · 13/10/2014 13:47

I always did have access to his phone, email, ipad etc but he turned into a sneaky bastard and used his works email address to sign up to shit and downloaded and deleted apps as and when he was at work/home.

He only slipped up thanks to Itunes store which helpfully keeps all your crap on file whether you delete it or not.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 13/10/2014 13:52

I'm sorry OP he has proved to you that he has continually been looking and doing god knows what, you don't know and he won't admit anything. I think it's pretty obvious he's looking elsewhere, you've caught him for the second time now and appear to be letting it go - again - expect more of the same in a few weeks(months) time but he'll probably be a bit more savvy now you've cottoned on.

Seriously why are you even considering staying with a man that is constantly taking the piss out of you.

zippey · 13/10/2014 13:57

I dont think there is any way of saving this relationship because the trust has gone. It will either end now, because you choose to end it, or it will chug along, play with your head and will finish a couple of months or years down the line.

Id say dont waste any more time on this guy. He obviously isnt happy and neither are you. Get out now before you get out later.

Original poster

CrackerWoman · 13/10/2014 14:27

Well all this came to a head on Thursday. He said doesn't want to do counselling but would write me a letter detailing his true feeling. He said "I'll do that tomorrow" (which would have been Friday). It's now Monday and he's still to do that. I questioned him on it yesterday and he said he's been busy but will do it as soon as he gets 5 minutes to himself. He'd just been playing on battlefield.

I know I'm being a mug but I'm confused, hurt and angry. I can't think straight. I've just started the final year of my (difficult, 37.5 hours a week) degree and my son is about to start his gCses. I just feel like I have too much to deal with which is maybe why I'm making lighter of it than I should be.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/10/2014 14:33

Is he a complete idiot? He's signing up to sites like that using his work email?

OP, if you make the decision, you will feel much better. The man he used to be has gone. You can stay with this twat and have a miserable time until he dumps you, or you can take control and tell him to sod off.

You will recover much faster if you do the latter.

JumpAndTwist · 13/10/2014 14:41

I just feel like I have too much to deal with which is maybe why I'm making lighter of it than I should be.

You need to chuck him. He has no respect for you. You already know this.

It is the failing to act, the anticipation, the worry, that is too much to deal with

In a life as stress filled as yours you need to strip out unnecessary stressors. He is an unnecessary stressor.

It's like a plaster. Just rip it off. It'll hurt but you'll soon be over it.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2014 14:47

Well, I think everything he has done and is still doing shows that you rate a lot lower in his list of priorities than he does in yours.

You are worrying and fretting over the state of your relationship.

He is playing on his computer instead of even bothering to tell you how he feels. Never mind ask how you feel about him being a lying cheating toad. He can't even be bothered to spend 5 minutes thinking up a reason why you ought to put up with him.

As Jump says - you'll feel a lot less stressed for getting rid of him.

You are dealing with this, all the time. It's in your head now. It's been filling up your head space for the last 3 weeks.

You'll feel better for making the break.

Jan45 · 13/10/2014 14:57

You'd have a lot less stress if you got rid of this scum bag.

zippey · 13/10/2014 15:00

Have you thought about giving yourself a break from this drama for about a week or two (ie ask him to move out for a short while)

The break would give you time to think and make plans with the idea that it could be permanent.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/10/2014 15:01

He hoping you will give up and you will just carry on and let him continue as he wants.

You probably do need to to make the decision but even if you do split there is no reason why you can't tell every one what he has done and the reason as to why you have ended it.

Lioninthesun · 13/10/2014 15:05

If he's looking elsewhere and chatting to rl women who do or don't know he is in a relationship, he is looking to hook up - sorry. I imagine he is upping his game as he needs to find his next victim to move onto/ in with while you take your time deciding if he can change or not. When he is set up he will waltz out with his next in line waiting in the car.
Dump him now and save yourself the pain this will lead to. It is never innocent and you will never be able to put this behind you know you know.

Lioninthesun · 13/10/2014 15:08

BTW the he dumped/she dumped isn't really what adults say to each other on a break up - the why's are far more important!

Bambamboom · 13/10/2014 15:20

This was me 2 years ago OP.
I now have a toddler with a man I love but can't trust. It never gets better and everyday is a struggle. He can't pick up his phone without me getting paranoid, what a fantastic relationship! Don't make the same mistake I have.

Lweji · 13/10/2014 15:24

Be strong and walk away.

I'd guess he'll never write that letter and you'll be left wondering for a while.

Stop contacting him, just consider it finished or write the Dear John letter to him, and move on.

Unless you live together, in which case, it needs to involve packing.

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