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Original poster

been 3 months, won't have sex with me?! (long)

51 replies

hazc · 13/10/2014 11:55

okay, so i feel that there's A LOT of explaining to do for this one.
so, i've known this guy for a couple of years now as he was a friend of my brothers.
a few months ago we met on a night out and it got to a point that we arranged a date
a few dates later it's all going great, seeing and speaking to each other regularly, only ever kissing goodbye or occasionally whilst out
we got back to his one night and i got stupidly drunk and tried it on, which he thankfully declined and we woke up in the same bed fully clothed
since that broke the same bed barrier i slept over a lot, but still with nothing happening
my situation at home took a turn for the worst and so he offered me to stay with him, so it all perfectly fell into place
it got so good that i'm now permanently staying here, he has a dog, i've brought my cat - and then we went and bought our very own kitten together
but still nothing, even though the bed sharing every night etc.
don't get me wrong, there has been a couple of times where it's got really heated, but then it's just died down, leaving me so very frustrated.

there is a big age gap, 16 years, but he really isn't bothered by it at all.
my brother doesn't care either and is happy for us
he's got a successful business, nothing seems to be bringing him down

i just can't help but feel there is a bigger reason to it rather than him being a gentleman??
almost as though he's tried to trap me and pin me down what with me moving in and getting a pet together
the times it has got heated i could definitely "feel" something going on down there, but when he has gone to go in, he's lost it
i've given up trying to make a move myself, the feeling of rejection is really hurting me

we once had a drunken conversation where i just fired questions at him and he gave me a different story each time
apparently he has only slept with a handful of people, the longest he has been with someone was 2 weeks, then it was 6, but he hadn't had another girl live with him but oh wait there was someone for 6 months?!?! and the last time he had sex was in January...in Malayasia....?!?!

at first i didn't mind as i thought he was being respectful but all these aspects are adding up and getting me really down.
i've tried speaking to him but he doesn't give much back.
i'm even getting to the point of just packing it all up and leaving as i feel like i've tried essentially everything..?!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/10/2014 11:58

You have rushed into this rather, haven't you ? < understatement of the week >

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 11:59

What a weird set-up. Zero sex aside, why on earth would you move in with someone after just a few weeks together? How is he trying to trap you and pin you down when you seem to be the one doing all the chasing? What has it got to do with your brother?

roland83 · 13/10/2014 11:59

Erectile dysfunction or gay, in my opinion.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/10/2014 12:02

So when you try talking to him, what does he say?

pushtheskyaway · 13/10/2014 12:02

I would imagine you suitcase is under the bed, and the door is at the front of the house?

I would take full advantage of both those facts OP, and get the hell out of there. What a mind bogglingly bizarre set up!

How old are you? You sound pretty young, and there's nowt wrong with making a mistake. Just don't drag it out that's all...

Original poster
hazc · 13/10/2014 12:07

It was after 2 and a half months that I moved in, and we had known each other for a while so it seemed fine
I had nowhere else to go and he was only helping me out at first, but it worked out thus far so it seems more permanent now
Besides, when you are with someone you eventually move in together!

When I try to speak with him he doesn't reply or gives very little, or just apologises
It's like trying to get blood out of a stone

OP posts:
Original poster
hazc · 13/10/2014 12:09

Nothing to do with my brother, but i thought another possible reason could be that he's anxious of sleeping with me, as maybe in his mind he might be thinking oh crap this is my mates little sister. I'm just trying to think of every scenario.

OP posts:
magpiegin · 13/10/2014 12:11

How odd. 2 and a half months is hugely soon to move in. The fact that you're posting on here instead of having an open and honest discussion about sex with him proves it is too soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 12:13

Two and a half months isn't 'eventually' it's 'immediately'. Hmm If you needed a place to crash, you've got it. But I don't think you've got anything even approaching a relationship. I'm starting to feel really sorry for this guy. He's obviously not into you.

pushtheskyaway · 13/10/2014 12:14

Yes, you might eventually move in together, but rarely after 2 months. You aren't 'together' OP; you haven't even had sex!

Again, how old are you?

Original poster
hazc · 13/10/2014 12:15

I really didn't have a choice.
I've tried many a times and I get nothing from him.
I was hoping I could get more ways and advice on how to approach the subject in a way that he will open up, as everything I have tried hasn't.

OP posts:
Matildathecat · 13/10/2014 12:16

He doesn't fancy you. Might be gay, maybe erectile dysfunction, might just be wondering why you are in his bed every night when you aren't in a relationship.

This is a bit hard but does he actually want you living there? If so, why?

Move on. You aren't anything more than flat mates when it seems you want more. Sorry.

pushtheskyaway · 13/10/2014 12:16

He would have been kinder to just let you stay there as friends. Letting you into his bed, and then stopping short of actually having sex is just plain wierd.

He's either gay, got ED, or he is playing some sort of bizarre control game. The best light I can put on it is that he has tried to help you, and the situation has spun out of control.

You really do need to leave though OP. What an unhealthy situation to be in!

OTheHugeManatee · 13/10/2014 12:18

How old are you, OP?

TBH he sounds a bit screwed up. Also the 'Malaysia' thing would ring alarm bells for me. You do know, don't you, that most single men go to Malaysia to buy sex? He could be into ladyboys, children, anything really - but whatever floats his boat he doesn't seem very into you.

Original poster
hazc · 13/10/2014 12:18

Well, it's been 3 and a half months now.
He does everything for me and offers to treat me all the time, which I decline.
I'm 25.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 13/10/2014 12:20

You say, 'when he has gone to go in, he has lost it'.

So let's assume erectile problems. Do you have the patience and the love for this man to work through this? It will take time.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/10/2014 12:20

I really didn't have a choice.

You didn't have a choice but to move in? What would have happened if you didn't know him? If you are genuinely homeless you can present yourself to the council.

magpiegin · 13/10/2014 12:21

You just have to ask him outright why you're not having sex and tell him you need a straight answer or you'll move out.

You say you had no choice but to move in with him, so what would you have done if you haven't got with him?

scarletforya · 13/10/2014 12:21

Malaysia hmm.

Gay maybe.

pushtheskyaway · 13/10/2014 12:22

Honestly OP; please just run for the hills. You are so young, and this man has a host of issues. He isn't even your boyfriend. Find somewhere else to live, and move on. You will drive yourself mad otherwise...

I also agree with OT and the comments about Malaysia. It would indicate he is into some fairly unsavoury activities.

Don't try to "help him through this" it's not your place. Just get the hell out of there, and go and live your life.

Take the kitten with you though! Smile

Original poster
hazc · 13/10/2014 12:25

I never mentioned to him about me moving in, it was all from him.
If I wasn't in this situation, I would have had to move away, back home, which I couldn't have done because of work etc.

When we're out he can't keep his hands off me, and that's where it stops though.

Yes, I was a bit stumped when he brought out the Malaysia bomb, which is where my fire of questions ended. It threw me a bit!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 12:27

You're wasting your time OP. There could be any number of reasons why this man is pawing you in public but shunning you in private but, in a relationship of 3 months standing, they're really not your problem.

Start finding alternative accommodation near your work. Flat-share, apply to the council, whatever it takes. And please move into your own room in the meantime rather than be repeatedly rejected.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/10/2014 12:29

Perhaps, and I'm being really cynical here, having you living with him, and pawing you in public, is a good front. If he goes to Malaysia for some kind of sex.

WanderingTrolley1 · 13/10/2014 12:30

Midlife crisis, maybe?

Younger girl on his arm, just for show, but he's really not that into you?

It's how it strikes me, anyway.

LineRunner · 13/10/2014 12:30

If he can't keep his hand off you in public, that's possibly him treating you like part of his menagerie.