been 3 months, won't have sex with me?! (long)

[hazc]

okay, so i feel that there's A LOT of explaining to do for this one.
so, i've known this guy for a couple of years now as he was a friend of my brothers.
a few months ago we met on a night out and it got to a point that we arranged a date
a few dates later it's all going great, seeing and speaking to each other regularly, only ever kissing goodbye or occasionally whilst out
we got back to his one night and i got stupidly drunk and tried it on, which he thankfully declined and we woke up in the same bed fully clothed
since that broke the same bed barrier i slept over a lot, but still with nothing happening
my situation at home took a turn for the worst and so he offered me to stay with him, so it all perfectly fell into place
it got so good that i'm now permanently staying here, he has a dog, i've brought my cat - and then we went and bought our very own kitten together
but still nothing, even though the bed sharing every night etc.
don't get me wrong, there has been a couple of times where it's got really heated, but then it's just died down, leaving me so very frustrated.

there is a big age gap, 16 years, but he really isn't bothered by it at all.
my brother doesn't care either and is happy for us
he's got a successful business, nothing seems to be bringing him down

i just can't help but feel there is a bigger reason to it rather than him being a gentleman??
almost as though he's tried to trap me and pin me down what with me moving in and getting a pet together
the times it has got heated i could definitely "feel" something going on down there, but when he has gone to go in, he's lost it
i've given up trying to make a move myself, the feeling of rejection is really hurting me

we once had a drunken conversation where i just fired questions at him and he gave me a different story each time
apparently he has only slept with a handful of people, the longest he has been with someone was 2 weeks, then it was 6, but he hadn't had another girl live with him but oh wait there was someone for 6 months?!?! and the last time he had sex was in January...in Malayasia....?!?!

at first i didn't mind as i thought he was being respectful but all these aspects are adding up and getting me really down.
i've tried speaking to him but he doesn't give much back.
i'm even getting to the point of just packing it all up and leaving as i feel like i've tried essentially everything..?!

What LoisPuddingLane said. With big shiny bells on and a flashing red beacon.

The best case scenario is that he's gay.

The worst case scenario is that he's into something illegal and horrible.

Either way he's either not interested or not able to have sex with you.

The beginning of a relationship should be fun! You should be all over each other! This isn't going to get any easier.

I'd be very worried that he was willing to appear interested only in public.

Clearly the whole thing is making you miserable. Leave. Get a house/flat share and move on.

What a bizarre living arrangement.

Here ya go www.spareroom.co.uk/

Are you in love with him? If you are, and want to spend the rest of your life with him, then you need to decide if you are willing to potentially live without sex for the rest of your life. You also need to have a frank discussion with him, and ask him to clarify whether he wants any kind of physical relationship with you or not. Is he in love with you? Does he tell you he loves you?

If you are not in love with him, then why on earth are you with him? It sounds as though you are both using each other - you need a place to stay; he needs a smokescreen for whatever he's actually getting up to.

It sounds like you're a smokescreen op. Get out.

Sounds to me like he has erectile dysfunction- you talk about trying to have sex but him losing his erection.

I don't understand why you aren't asking him more questions. Does he want a relationship? Does he normally have problems with his erection? The GP is the first port of call, if so.

Move out, take things more slowly, establish what the heck is going on.

You have come to the decision yourself that this situation cannot continue.
You say that when you broach the subject he stonewalls you.
You don't need him to say anything at this point, he just needs to listen.
LAY out your stall to him in a quiet calm voice. What YOU want should be always more important to you than what he wants.
For instance you could say, I am grateful for your hospitality but I need ...' ( explain why in your own words) don't let him interrupt.
Then explain what is going to happen ( give a deadline) to your relationship if he does not step up to the mark and offer an explanation.
You know you have no choice.
Best of luck xx

As already said you sound like his smokescreen

Looks good having you there and him been into you when in public, keeps everyone from asking what kind of sex he was after in Malaysia, that little bit of info is the bit that would worry me when put with everything else

I knew someone who was in a sexless relationship with an older man. They were engaged. She did not want sex before marriage for religious reasons. They even took a long touring holiday across America, with separate rooms. He never could set a date. Everyone said he must be gay.

It was a front. He ended up in trouble for something indecent, but fortunately she was long gone by then. He still says he isn't gay.

I am at the Malasia thing too, id say that he is into something illegal like child abuse, his erectile difficulties and his public persona with you would tie in with this. If he was gay he wouldn't need to seek out sex in a country such as Malasia.

If you found out that he is into child abuse what will you do?

Can't say I agree with You aren't 'together' OP; you haven't even had sex! , many relationships can be strong and brilliant and happy without sex. Both parties however have to be happy with that for it to work and you're clearly not.

Will agree with the ED/gay/low libido comments, it's something you need to seriously discuss if you're going to be in a relationship with this man as it's an issue that won't fix itself (and obviously if he is gay, he'll never be happy with a woman so no point taking it any further).

Amazing where people's minds go about the Malaysia comment! I wouldn't have even considered that but I'm probably naive!

Again - All things that you need to discuss with him rather than us as all we can really do is say the relationship is obviously not working!

I do think you should really consider why you have moved in so fast...sorry to say but it doesn't make you seem very stable. Getting an animal involved to 'tie you together' at that stage is very irresponsible too IMO, but hey, passion or whatever I can see how you get dragged along - I just hope you can see it is not a RESPONSIBLE thing to do.
Secondly you don't know him well enough to trust his responses to your attempts at figuring out the no sex issue, which is a biggy. As others have said erectile dysfunction sounds like a possible, or perhaps he has herpes or something that makes erection uncomfortable? I also think he has a shady past and you are diverting unwanted questions from his peers. Not many decent men with money/job/caring attitude etc are single at that age without good reason.
In your situation I would be very frank with him and voice your concerns and explain you need real answers. You will know in your heart if his answers sound genuine. I suspect he will get unreasonably touchy and sulk (IME this is what happens when men want to hide something and keep a second life secret).
You can't carry on like this though, that is for sure.

So he can't keep his hands off you in public, but loses it when you are together in bed? I'm afraid I think you're his cover story. I'm sorry but a 41-year-old man with no relationship history has issues of some kind. I think the most likely explanation is that he's turned on by something he can't/won't admit to (men, something kinky, whatever) and so has battened onto an inexperienced, less financially secure/assertive younger person to act as his cover story. He might even be trying to persuade himself, who knows? But you're on a hiding to nothing and if I were you I'd leave.

You've moved in together without having an actual discussion agreeing that you're officially living together, and you can't talk to him about sex unless you're drunk, and even then he can't give you any satisfactory answers.

You're only 25. The thought of living like this for the next however many years should have you packing up and running for the hills as fast as you can.

Actually HugeManatees point is spot on, I'd glazed over those points about the previous relationships and age but thinking about it the warning bells are ringing loudly!

So this guy feels you up when you're out in public? You know something, if this was his only problem I'd be telling you to leave him! What the hell does he think he's doing, behaving in such a disrespectful way?

God alone knows why he doesn't want a sexual relationship with you - after his holiday in Mauritius I'm not sure I want to know, tbh.

The issue really is why you have allowed yourself to behave in the way you have. You have moved in with someone you hardly know, who is much older than you, who doesn't talk to you about the kind of relationship he wants with you, who hides his relationship history from you. Why would you do that? Why did you think you were so dependent on him that you had to move in? Why was your only other option to go back home? What about a house-share with other people your own age?

You need to leave this man, but I doubt you will.

Well as you've got a job, I'd suggest finding a house share or something, maybe you're own place AND MOVE OUT.

There is something wrong here, and not just the lack of sex. It was far too soon to move in with him, and yes, you did have other options than to move in with him.

Seriously, move out and move on.

While a few weeks of dating and then moving in together seems very fast, I moved in with my other half after only spending a combined few hours together that were spent drinking in his car that was parked on his mums drive (so we didn't wake everybody in the house up behaving like giddy teenagers). I was visiting his mum who is a friend and we got talking, me and him are the same age. I went back to where I lived hundreds of miles away, we didn't talk for 6 months, then one day he added me on skype and a few weeks later I packed up my house and he drive up to collect me. I've lived with him for 8 months now, we get on amazingly, never argue. We didn't sleep together for until I had lived there a few months.

I do realise this post makes me sound unhinged

That is very romantic, overslept! Why didn't you have any contact over those six months? What made him add you on Skype? It's a lovely image, you two sitting in his car on the driveway!

I shacked up with my OH quite quickly but we couldn't keep our hands off of each other and quite frankly couldn't stand to be apart. Also we moved in together, I didn't turn up at his house with my cat and my suitcase!!!

Seems like this is all a bit of a convenience for you, not sure what the chap is getting out of it to be honest? Other than a live-in beard I guess?

Shocked at the "if you aren't having sex you aren't in a relationship" comments - they've only been together for a couple of months - it is perfectly within the "normal" range to not sleep together that soon and couples who don't have sex (eg waiting until marriage, just not interested, disability, no opportunity due to eg living with parents) can still be in a good properly functioning relationship. And maybe some of you are right about there being something odd going on, but isn't the most likely explanation simply erectile disfunction?

ImperialBlather, he was living at his mums and prior to me speaking to him we had seen each other in passing as I used to live in the area and became good friends with his mum so was often at the house having a coffee and he would come home from work/walk through the kitchen but we never exchanged more than a "Hello". His mum invited me to visit for a week about year after I had moved away and late one night when everybody was in bed we started talking, we both smoke so would go outside for a cigarette together and due to rain we decided to sit in his car (and then we did that every night regardless of rain ), it became obvious we got on amazingly. I have honestly never laughed as hard as I did that week. I went back home because I was in a relationship (I must had nothing happened when I was there, I did not cheat on my ex). My relationship ended and when his mother told him he added me on skype and we video chatted, I mentioned that I had to move from my house as I couldn't afford it alone. He told me to come and live with him as he now had his own place! He picked me up about a month later

Sorry another one here who jumped the gun move in wise. I moved in with DP after 2 months as I had unexpectedly become homeless and had literally nowhere else to go. It was always meant to be a stop gap til I found my own place but after 2 months DP decided he really liked living together and asked me to move in with him in our own place. Been happy in our flat for just over a year now

However we had definitely slept together and was spending 6/7 nights a week together even before moving in together and the travelling, storing things at each others houses just became and unnecessary pain.

Crikey... This man may have erectile dysfunction but because he had sex in Malaysia once he must be a paedophile. Bloody hell that's one massive leap.

OP you need to talk to him and not us. Decide where to go from here depending on what he is willing to say and do.

Hello,

The first few times in bed with my now DW I was so nervous that my erection completely wilted, which was more than a little frustrating and embarrassing - and this was when I was 26 - so I imagine it could be more difficult for a man of 46 with possibly some emotional baggage of one sort or another.

So this sort of thing can certainly happen for entirely innocent reasons, but it does create an early test for your relationship. Your man here has to be capable of being open and honest with you about his past, about his current feelings and intentions, if you are going to get past this together. Kind of obviously this isn't something you can do alone!

If he isn't capable of that sort of emotional openness with you then it isn't a good sign for the prospect of future happiness together.