is it me or is it them?

[rumred]

I'm having a torrid time emotionally and could do with some objective opinions please

I am late 40s, lesbian, single. I've recently wondered if I have an attachment disorder. I look at my relationship history and its not great. 5 years is my longest, recently (last 8years) however most have lasted less than a year. my last relationship ended august- my decision because I didn't feel she could give me the attention/priority I wanted. there were other issues- there always are- but I wonder if I'm jumping ship too quickly generally, and that nothing will ever be good enough emotionally for me. That is a scary thought.

I have friends, a job, house etc. so other parts of my life work well. just not the part I really crave success in. I feel a complete utter failure, everyone else seems able to sustain a loving relationship except me. ok not everyone, but most people

I'm having therapy and will raise this at he next session- we've not talked about attachment, just general stuff about esteem, childhood etc. but when I looked at attachment stuff recently it felt like a penny dropped/LBM. or am I clutching at straws?

anyone else thought about this? am I doomed?

Dh and I have been together 15 years now. There have been times when things have been really difficult. Twice I have asked him to leave, but we worked through it. Once he left of his own accord after having a massive argument with ds1 (who was 16 at the time. He told him to fuck off, so he did).

We have had family therapy, which has helped, and now ds1 has left home, things are a lot more peaceful.

Sometimes it's worth working through issues, and sometimes not. But most relationship go through good times and absolutely dire times. The trick is to know if those times will pass and things will be good again.

Maybe seeing a counsellor would help you?

Its certainly worth exploring with your therapist. Hard to say from your post whether its you or not - is there a clear pattern of why each relationship broke down? When you say your last partner couldn't give you the attention/ priority you needed, that could mean either that she really wasn't giving you enough, or that she gave a reasonable amount of time/ attention but it wasn't enough for you. Do you have any long term friends who could maybe help by giving another opinion? Often people who do have attachment issues struggle with any long-term relationships, including long-term jobs and friendships as well - do you?
Hope you get the answers you need, and find a relationship that suits you... for what its worth I have some attachmenty issues myself, but was lucky to find a very stable, consistent and boundaried DH (he's more fun than he sounds!) who helped me to balance things out a bit. So it can be done!

"I wonder if I'm jumping ship too quickly generally"

The mistake most people make is to stick around on a sinking ship for way too long. If things aren't working for you and you don't want to compromise, far better to call it quits IMHO than waste a lot of your time. The trick is not to think of it as 'failure'... not to change your behaviour.

thanks for responses. I do have good long term friendships, but work is often fraught and I don't stay anywhere more than 3/4 years

in my recent relationship she was rather ott but I liked this generally. then she backed off and her behaviour changed so I ended it. (it was more complicated than I can explain here.) I'm left pondering though if I did give up too early. I suppose I feel torn- I can see you have to persevere through tough times but how do you know its worth persevering when you're only 4 months in?

I feel utterly useless at relationships actually. at 49 surely you have got your act together sufficiently to be happy? hence me thinking its deeper than just choosing unsuitable women. which I definitely have done several times.

I think 5 years is a very successful relationship. Just because it ends doesn't mean it was a failure of any kind. I know some people who have been together for longer (14 years) who aren't happy but are just choosing to be together. Maybe you just don't want to settle for 2nd best - which I think is good!

I'm 49 and I'm mostly single. I say 'mostly' because I'm lucky in that there's someone I particularly like at the moment. However, in the past when I've dated or taken it further, I get bored with other people easily or they piss me off and I think 'why am I bothering'? I don't feel the need to try hard to win someone over. Persevering is something that applies when it's a task you don't like, not a relationship IMHO. I've got a nice life, a great DS, a lovely home.... I think they should either like me as I am or close the door on their way out. Does that make me utterly useless as well? :)

Stay uncompromising. Find people who like you for being that way.

to add - I'm Shit at relationships. I'm a drama queen and i get bored very very easily. I know this about myself. Relationships have never lasted very long, I even got married and it ended within the year. My partner now and I will stay together because we have a child and I am determined to stay together for his sake - so 'things have got serious' and I have had to grow up a bit. He is also very intellectual which sustains my interest.

I think when you have a child its different of course. apart from anything you have clear purpose and responsibility. I wonder if part of the problem is I have a lot of space in my life to fill and I want a relationship partly for this reason. but partly its an urge/yearning that I cant seem to get rid of. I think we all have the yearning/need- hence having children? or am I kidding myself?

oh and dear god I know many miserable relationships of very long standing. too many

I have a child and that gives my life a lot of purpose and responsibility. Never felt that obliged me to persevere with the father. I see my choice of adult partner as a separate thing.

me too rumred - I know of a couple been together 15 years since school and i know he is miserable (i suspect he cheats) - I honestly think they are just too scared to be alone.

No - sorry Cogito - Didn't mean to infer that that was a bad thing - not to be with the father. What I meant was i had no reason at all to be with exes and having our child means I suppose I work harder. I think I needed that. It has made me grow up because I am just a big child. But obviously if he was abusive or I was miserable - I would leave.

I suppose I think a child fulfils some needs for intimacy, responsibility, belonging etc. obviously a relationship is different but there are similar desires/needs- relating/belonging/being needed loved and so on. I don't see having children as a selfless act, that's in no way a criticism, im just pondering the meaning of life etc. and the purpose of a childless life. maybe that's the key

in my recent relationship she was rather ott but I liked this generally. then she backed off and her behaviour changed so I ended it.

No, she sounds a little bit unstable emotionally and she "checked out" of the relationship instead of discussing and/or ending it like a grown-up.

Depending on what you mean by rather OTT, it could be that you have a cataclysmic relationship style? My relationships were always volatile/stormy/passionate/choose your own euphemism. My parents' marriage was abusive and, since that was all I really knew, I formed relationships that were also marked by disrespect & battles. The underlying pattern was more warlike than mutually supportive! I knew that I wanted a warm, safe & steady relationship, but didn't know how to have one.

I'm childless - and, as it goes, relationship-less. Once you set your standards higher, the pool shrinks quite alarmingly.

You will never have unconditional love from an adult partner, neither should you give it. The hardest part of my therapy is learning to love myself unconditionally, as that has not been modelled to me either.

Children definitely give you someone to love and feel responsible for. However, I look for other things in a relationship. I don't want to be intimate with my child and I don't want to be a boyfriend's mother. Are you thinking that you should have had children somewhere along the way?

cataclysmic might be a bit extreme, angsty more apt I think to describe my relationships. but then im angsty. if there is such a word. and of course shite role models growing up hasn't helped, and parents with 'issues'. which brings me back to attachment problems. its like I don't really know how to do it.

I wonder if I should have had children- I never had a biological urge as such but I love being with children and have enjoyed the bits of child raising I've done. so maybe I was rather too black and white about not having them. too late now probably, though fostering an option I know. trouble is im going through large scale home and work changes so I really should sort these before considering other major changes

and yes, the pool of suitors is increasingly shallow

I think ideas of biological urges are rather overstated. Like a lot of people, my DS happened very much by accident and at a less than ideal time of my life when work was up in the air and I wasn't in anything even approaching a stable relationship. If it had been a conscious decision and I'd waited for everything in my life to be perfect, I'd never have got round to it most probably. Being gay there's no chance you'd ever have an accident so, if you've not made the conscious decision either, you're rather stuck

hm interesting. and waiting for the ideal time has been, on reflection, a big mistake on a number of levels. I'd really not thought about the children issue like this before, but I keep mentioning them so must be more of a deal than I'd realised.

I never 'tried' to have children and, by the time I found out I had fertility problems, it was pretty much a done deal. It was unexpectedly hard to get my head round it. I've never been blind to the huge advantages of being childfree, but had underestimated the power of expectations (I am a woman, I will have children.) 25% of women now end their lives childfree, so we're not exactly freaks, but internally I had to deal with a feeling that I was/am.

In therapy I discovered I had abandonment fears. I identified the source, something I'd never given much thought. Knowing this about myself was very helpful in understanding why I clung to relationships I knew were bad for me.

I've given that up now

good for you. you sound healthy and sorted. I am getting there. am seeing an ex tomorrow and having odd dreams, so that's what's prompted my bit of current angst as I worry I gave up too easily and need to try restart the relationship. im not 100% sure I did. oh for certainty

Oh, heck, sorry, I wasn't trying to sound all superior! I thought I was empathising, sharing ideas & so on I wouldn't describe myself as healthy or sorted!

I still don't think anybody should fight for a relationship in which they feel angsty, though.

noooo! I wasn't being arsey, you don't sound superior, you've been really helpful. my typing is obviously a bit inept

I have lots of angst, so not surprising it spills into all areas of my life

from my angst to yours - thanks!

I've been with dp for nearly 10 years and my previous relationships were also long term. Most of my friends have been married for a long time or together for a long time. I can only think of 2 couples who don't have any issues.

I've nearly split up with dp a few times but underneath our problems we love each other and are passionate as well as having children and a home and a life together. Having said that , had children not been involved, I'm not sure we would have tried so hard to work through our problems (which are almost all caused by his mother).

Whether you stay or go is up to you. Whatever makes you happy. I