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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

a thank you would be nice

29 replies

typingtoofast · 12/10/2014 22:58

My dp's phone has been acting up. It is driving him mad. But hasn't had the chance to do anything about it.
We don't live together so this is our means of contact when apart. We have our times we ring and cute texts we send and it keeps the relationship going when apart. So it has been harder when you can't communicate as much. dp is particularly careful with his money at the moment. Can be very tight at spending. However he would spend it on particular items for a hobby of his. But i have accepted this. HIs money so he can do as he pleases, even if a little warped at times in my mind. His hobby can drive me mad as it can take priority in his life and I feel at times I am down the list of priorities. HOwever I keep busy and try not to feel a little hurt at times.

So he has a birthday coming up and this morning I decided to purchase him a new phone.
I rang and left a message on his voicemail telling him I had purchased new phone and to hang in there he'll have a new one in two days.
I knew he was doing his hobby for some portion of the day today so didn't worry to much that he didn't ring back.
I rang this evening as hadn't heard from him. I asked if he had got my voicemail and he said he had. That he hoped it was a handy enough phone. I replied it was similar to his own and that it was as an early birthday present.
Now I am aware this is a man who doesn't like to show much emotional gratitude or feelings. I get over that. But I couldn't help but feel a little put out that he never picked up the phone to thank me or acknowledge it. It's actually bothering me now so much that I feel taken for granted. I can't think of a reason or an excuse where he couldn't have picked up the phone for 1 min to show appreciation/gratitude.
Am I expecting too much? Or is this a sure sign that I'm being used!

OP posts:
vodkanchocolate · 12/10/2014 23:05

Hi, Im not sure if you are been used or what but even a person who hates showing emotion and gratitude - Im a bit like this at times!! I would still make the effort to say thank you I think hes come across as very rude by not doing so. Even if he didnt want to say it in words im sure he could of come up with some other way. Dont really know what else to say about it

pushtheskyaway · 12/10/2014 23:07

No you are not expecting too much OP. I am angry on your bloody behalf!

He doesn't acknowledge you, and then his first response is to question the suitability of his present?

He sounds like a mean, ungrateful brat to be honest. What are his good points? Hopefully he has some?

Polonium · 12/10/2014 23:09

He doesn't sound as though he's that into you. Sorry.

TooMuchCantBreath · 12/10/2014 23:11

Um, going on what you put here he sounds like a spoilt brat. Not being emotionally expressive is very different to being ungrateful and rude.

Tigerbear · 12/10/2014 23:14

I totally understand how you feel OP!!! My DP is like this too and I'm beginning to question if he's even worth continuing a relationship with (amongst other reasons).
Quite early on in our relationship I booked tickets for a show we'd spoken about seeing and something he was really excited about. I booked them as a surprise and texted him on the day to say I had them and that I'd see him later. Would have thought I'd get an immediate response to say 'wow, thanks!' or similar, but he didn't even text back until about 2 hours before we were supposed to meet, so about 6 hours after I first texted him. Kind of took the shine off the evening a bit!

Whatthefucknow · 12/10/2014 23:15

Phone has been acting up = has someone else on the go and is phasing you out. Brace yourself. Brew

ChippingInLatteLover · 12/10/2014 23:18

I'd cancel the order - or if you can't get it delivered to yours instead.

I don't know if he's got someone else or not, but what is apparent here is that you are doing all the compromising, chasing, loving... while he just pleases himself.

Cut loose now while you still have your own place & your own life. Plenty of nicer fish in the sea
x

Tigerbear · 12/10/2014 23:19

Actually, OP, our DP's sound incredibly similar! Mine is also having problems with his phone (every week something has happened to it - battery doesn't work, not receiving texts etc), is tight with his money (well, very cautious!), and I feel I'm way down his list of priorities. Sorry for the high jack/rant!

typingtoofast · 12/10/2014 23:23

whatthefucknow. seriously that can't be your only assumption. The phone is acting up. My battery was low and I used it the other day myself and i couldn't even send a text, was so frustrated i gave up.
tigerbear. that reminded me of something similar i did too. I know some people don't get the same excitement range as others but still. I know how you feel when it takes the excitement out of it.

yes i do feel he has spoilt brat , or a slight sqewed entitlement attitude at times in his behaviour.

we have been together for 3 years so I hadn't thought of the idea that he wasn't that into me and that is why i got the lack of response. Not a nice thought to swallow. I haven't seen anything that would warrant that but now you got me thinking.
I just don't know how to respond to him without sounding like his mother or a nag. Very hard to make someone understand that their behaviour is hurtful without sounding a little pathetic.

OP posts:
typingtoofast · 12/10/2014 23:25

tigerbear. does your oh have the entitlement attitude in that feels hard done by , by the world and his mother alot?

OP posts:
Tigerbear · 12/10/2014 23:30

OP, yep, REALLY hard to get these sorts of feelings across without feeling like a nag or needy. Mine is horrific at replying to texts in general, not just in the case I mentioned earlier. Often it'll be a full 24 hours before he responds. I did confront him about it once and tried to explain that it doesn't make me feel very wanted or close to him, but I don't think he really 'got' it.

Tigerbear · 12/10/2014 23:32

Sorry, also meant to say at end of last post, that I felt needy even trying to talk about the text thing.

OP, not sure if he feels entitled as such. Does yours ?

pushtheskyaway · 12/10/2014 23:38

I wouldn't give him the phone. I would act surprised when he mentioned it, and say that his lack of response to the whole thing had led you to assume he didn't want it.

Then again I wouldn't tolerate anyone who treated my thoughtful gestures with such carelessness. There is nothing pathetic about feeling hurt over someone's entitled behaviour OP. You have every right to be hurt.

Again, what are his good points? There must be something positive that keeps you with an apparently entitled, and tight fisted man?

typingtoofast · 12/10/2014 23:40

yes he has had a hard few knocks in life and recently has felt a little hard done by. I try to explain that that's life and you have to get on with things and not to focus on the negative side. So i have been giving him a little leeway recently in that dept. But I am really annoyed that my action today wouldn't have got any response. I mean what's the point if someone is so wrapped up in themselves to not even thank me. it took the joy out of it for me.
I can't cancel the order now. But i am not sure i would have. I don't want to seem petty and would prefer to say to myself i did the nice thing. it wasn't acknowledge and i'll remember that and re-evaluate if this is the type of person that he has become, that i want tobe with. it might make him think and realise, but i'm not sure it actually will. he'll just think what's the big deal i was going to say thanks when i got it.... yeh yeh!! i believe that one!

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 12/10/2014 23:49

Love, what's holding you there? It sounds miserable. You are acting like his parent, not his gf.

typingtoofast · 12/10/2014 23:55

push - he has been kind and generous to me in the past. This has dwindled over the past year as he has been trying to save money. And has got tighter about it over the year.
he makes me laugh, we have the same humour, we can discuss any subject under the sun, i love his intelligence, when he touches me even on the hand i get a rush of chemistry and love,closeness. oh my god i have run outof things.... i'm realising over the last while that he has got totally absorbed in himself and i have been making excuses.he never asks about my problems anymore, he cuts my sentences short, he tells me i'm great but never says i love you or i miss you anymore.
oh my god maybe what the fuck & others was right!!! but if i wasn't into someone i would have replied ah you shouldn't have done that.... there would be a slight guilt if i wasn't into someone and they had done something nice. I wouldn't justsay nothing.

OP posts:
Whatthefucknow · 13/10/2014 00:02

Well I've no clue it's just speculation and I have a sixth sense and I'm always right but,
he needs dumping.
Don't try to discuss with him how you'd like him to say thank you to mummy for the nice gift. That's totally humiliating for you and as PP said puts you in the (completely unerotic) mummy role of teaching him manners. Jesus. I couldn't do that to myself.
Why don't you back up all the way and see if he makes any effort at all.
Or just bin him for being a cunt.

pushtheskyaway · 13/10/2014 00:11

He never asks about your problems? Cuts your sentences short?

It sounds like this relationship might have run it's course OP. You're only a couple of years in. My personal advice would be to go and find someone who appreciates your kind nature, and doesn't just dismiss it as his god given right.

TooMuchCantBreath · 13/10/2014 00:18

Don't make the mistake of judging others by your own standards, just because you would feel guilt/shame doesn't mean someone else would.

It could be that he's settled in the relationship and has become complacent, of course even that wouldn't lead to such bad basic manners - unless he was an arse.

Tbh, I'm not sure it matters why, he either needs a massive wake up call or dumping. Unfortunately you can't give him that call because you will then turn yourself into mummy in his eyes. There's no easy answer really.

typingtoofast · 13/10/2014 00:19

yes push, he has become quiet self obsessed with a few things recently and just keeps going over them. I do sympathise with him in regards to these but he doesn't realise his behaviour is making me feel hurt and sad. there is only so much of woe is me that i can listen to. I was hoping this would pass and wouldn't effect our 'relationship'. but it is.

OP posts:
typingtoofast · 13/10/2014 00:21

yes i want to do a wake up call without dumping first.

but i'm now thinking maybe he has become an arse and won't change...

OP posts:
pushtheskyaway · 13/10/2014 00:30

Can you elaborate a bit on what these things are? They sound like they are really impacting on your relationship. Has he become obsessive over them?

Have you explained how sad his behaviour is making you feel? I feel that this is the key thing here. If he takes your concerns on board; then you may be able to find away forward. If he doesn't...then I think you know what you have to do; for your own sanity's sake!

Bogeyface · 13/10/2014 01:44

Emotionally dead
Tight as a ducks arse
Puts you after his hobby
Entitled
Spoilt

You are still with him, why?!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 07:20

Don't waste time on someone who puts you very low on their priorities. It's demeaning for one thing. If he wanted to communicate with you, he'd find a way. If he wanted to thank you for a gift, he'd find a way. Don't be the woman he can just take for granted, picking up and dropping when it suits, accepting attention and giving nothing back in return. You get no respect being that person.

MarionSnippet · 13/10/2014 07:24

Do you want to feel like this? If not, do something about it.

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