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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you find love a second time around that is just as strong?

34 replies

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 10:49

I don't know what else to ask except what is in the title there. Can you find love a second time around that is just as strong or is it always second best?

Can you love someone new, in a diferrent way, but just as deeply? Has anyone ever believed it would be impossible, but found it?

I just need some hope this morning that I won't miss my ex forever.

OP posts:

IndianBlueGlass · 12/10/2014 11:00

I've loved more than once, and though I'm currently grieving a love affair gone wrong, I believe deep down that I will love again.

Take your time to grieve, then enjoy meeting new people. At some point love will creep up on you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2014 11:25

' Strength' of love can be another way to describe infatuation & it doesn't necessarily indicate success of relationship. .. as you found to your cost. Second time around I think you're looking for slightly different things besides sheer emotion. Personally, I think that makes it stronger in the true sense of the word.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 11:33

Are you saying that you might find that you don't feel that red hot passion where you can't get enough of someone, but you might instead get a more real and deep love based on getting to know them over time and them being loyal to you, caring for you and becoming close to you?

OP posts:

PeggyCarter · 12/10/2014 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 11:39

So sorry that happened to you :( Can I ask if you are as happy / love as much your DH as you did your Fiance?

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PeggyCarter · 12/10/2014 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 11:42

I'm so happy for you :)

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2014 11:45

Don't write off red hot passion :) Life needs excitement and everything is a lot more fun when there's strong mutual physical attraction. But yes, there are other things you look for and appreciate in a partner when you're older and wiser beside the raw lust aspect. You're less reliant on them for your happiness. You realise you can live without them if necessary. More realistic

WaitingForMe · 12/10/2014 11:46

My mum loved my dad deeply. He died. She loved my stepdad deeply. He died. She is positive about the future.

Statistically she reckons she's the kind of person capable of deep love both given and received

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 12/10/2014 11:49

My grandfather died about 20 years ago. Granny was devastated - they'd had over 60 years together and were very much in love.
But a few years later she fell in love with someone else and they were together until he died 15 years later. The love wasn't the same but it was just as strong and they were just as happy.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 12:09

Those are warming stories :)

I am dating, and some of them I get more butterflies than I ever did with the ex, some have me laughing till my sides split, some are lovely and for whatever reason I don't get that feeling I had with the ex of just being at home.

OP posts:

Tryharder · 12/10/2014 12:31

The answer to your question is 'yes'.

The mistake many people make is not to let themselves grieve after a break up. You won't feel strongly about someone until you have given yourself time to let your feelings for your XP to subside. I know it's a cliche when people say time is a healer but it's a cliche because it's true.

I was devastated when my DP at the time ended our relationship about 14 years ago. It took me several years to get over him.

I met him again recently. I still thought he was attractive, sexy, intelligent etc but there was nothing there. I looked at him and thought my God how did you have the power to ruin my life so completely?? The love had gone. Incidentally, I am very, very happy with my DP.

I think some people are lucky enough to have a few relationships in their teens and early 20s and then meet someone they love enough to marry and live happily ever after.

Others (me) are not that lucky. I have had a number of very intense and passionate loves in my life and am grateful to every one of them in different ways. It's been a rollercoaster....

onlyjoking9329 · 12/10/2014 12:49

Yes it's possible.
It may depend on how your last relationship ended and how you recovered from that as to how you go forward to a new relationship. Do you want or need a relationship? They are very different things.

For me I spent 17 years and three children with my DH, ours was a loving supportive relationship, I was devastated when he died from a brain tumour.
I still loved him when he died, still do.
However I did go on to love again,thou never thought I would.

Friends who have divorced say that they have struggled with their feelings and mistrust from their relationships that have made it difficult or impossible to move on.
others have moved on to much better relationships as they chose a different kind of personality and felt much wiser.
I hope it works out for you..

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2014 12:49

You don't get the 'at home' feeling with someone until you've had plenty of time with them and shared a lot of experiences, good and bad. You can feel comfortable with someone before that point but it takes time to really make a connection

Andcake · 12/10/2014 12:58

Yes - but it took me years and I needed a few relationships where I didn't feel it in between. Don't expect to fall in love straight away with anyone- take time to get to know someone . I love dp in a less he's the one way but in a more mature faults and all way I think.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 13:09

With my ex he felt like home from the start, I didn't trust it, but over time that feeling just got deeper and more and more certain. I've never been more certain about anything.

It didn't end well. I discovered he hadn't loved me the same way. For him it had only been that infatuation sort of love that buckles at the first sign of pressure so that was very painful to experience.

It's not that I need a relationship,I have a very full life, but having experienced what real deep love and sharing a life with someone was like I do miss that very much and it would make me sad if I never had it again.

My ex, FWIW was not good looking, was permanently skint, was always badly dressed like a geography teacher but I just loved him.

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wallypops · 12/10/2014 13:10

Oh YES. And it can be better than you ever dreamed.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 13:16

I'll keep on hoping. These stories have given me an uplift to get out of bed this morning :)

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2014 13:16

Certainty and deep love that isn't reciprocated can be achieved quite easily :) If you want reciprocation, that takes some luck, some work and some time.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 13:19

The problem with him is that he confused it himself, he acted like he felt just as deeply. Easily done I suspect to confuse the two, until life pressures hit. Am trying not to focus on dissecting the past there because I know I can't change what is but I do want to feel hope that I can fee the way I felt about him for someone else.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2014 13:36

Of course you can. Human beings have a huge capacity for love. Look at how people adopt stray dogs on holiday or get emotionally attached to a threatened tree.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 13:41

I was thinking of getting a dog!

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pushtheskyaway · 12/10/2014 13:46

The way I would look at it is this...

The love you had wasn't (on his side) long enough to last. Therefore you have every chance in the world of one day finding love with someone who reciprocates your feelings.

Beware of inflating the love that wasn't right into a grand affair that it actually wasn't. I speak from experience as someone who has a horrible tendency to do this myself. It gets you nowhere...

Get a dog OP. Animals love you no matter what, and have a faithfulness lacking in most people. My old pony outlasted 2 LTR (both of whom wanted me to sell him!) Just sayin

Backinthering · 12/10/2014 13:58

Oh god yes definitely. My DH and I fell very intensely for each other - we'd both lived with people previously but I think that just illustrated how right our connection was.

Original poster

Isla5000 · 12/10/2014 14:23

I think maybe as this thread was more about looking to the future than back at the past I might have come across as one of those women who loved their partner more and is happy with that. This isn't the sort of person I am at all.

The ex made be believe that my love was returned equally if not more. It was him who drove the pursuit, him who asked me to move in, him who was asking for marriage. Unfortunately though, he turned out to be a fair weathered friend and he left me when I went through a hard time in life as it was too much for him to cope with.

I'm not an idiot, so I realise that he did me a favour in leaving because no one wants to marry someone so weak or unreliable but at the same time I miss the relationship we had.

It just felt natural from the start. It felt a bit like we just belonged together. It was the easiest relationship I ever had with none of the angst or waiting for calls or not knowing what they are thinking. From quite soon in he felt like my family and it felt (cheesy) like everything in my life had been pulling me towards that person.

If I'd felt like he'd not loved me as much back I would have left long ago. I'm not a masochist.

What I'm looking for is to feel that way all over again, but this time with someone with the skills to navigate ups and downs of life. I don't think I was being fair saying my ex didn't love me as much, I think he probably did. I just think he jumped off the ride when it got hard because that's the way he is.

I just know that when I was with him (and even now if I am honest) that I could not imagine loving anyone else as much and that feeling makes it hard to feel positive about the future.

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