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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to escape domestic Violence, when he wont leave.

34 replies

FreeSpirit89 · 12/10/2014 09:06

Some of you may have already read my post on here before. Me and DH were trying to conceive, until we had a discussion where I brought up moving away to the country side as being better for the kids (my DS who is 4, his DD who is 7 here weekends)

Despite the fact it was a thought, he took it as gospel and that I had already decided, and then started the shouting. Despite the fact I could have already been pregnant at that stage (a few days before period due) to yell at me during the school run "if your pregnant you can abort it"

After about a week of constant shouting, saying I didn't care about him or his daughter, he seemed to take every opportunity to yell at me and make me feel bad for thinking that. I decided that maybe it would be better to stay living in the area we were in.

There have been several issues since then. Many arguments where he says he doesn't know if he wants a baby, but is quite happy to attempt to have sex with me without a condom. When I stopped sex half way through the act after he had entered me without protection on, I got yelled at questioning his judgement. He said he would have pulled out so he wasn't going against what I said. I pointed out that I could still fall pregnant, and he said that's what abortions for.

A week after that, brings us to last night. We had sex, he wouldn't listen to me about using protection, and eventually finished in me. I thought maybe he had changed his mind about the baby issue. So asked him, he said he hadn't. Then refused to talk to me about it further. Ignoring me, and whatever I said.

I cried, and he moaned. Using his weight to pin me onto the bed with his fist balled into my side to hold him up, so he could climb over me, He doesn't need to, he could have walked around the side of the bed. He then took my pillows of the bed and threw them into the other room saying I was sleeping on the sofa.

When I protested, he then took the duvet and mattress of the bed and into the lounge for him to sleep on. Leaving me wooden bed slates, and a pillow. He then came to the door with his phone videoing me, I asked him to stop saying I didn't want to be on the video with tears all down my face.

He started saying I hope I enjoy police cells because he was calling the police, and started asking me why I kicked him. I didn't, then he sulked of to the kitchen to have a fag. That's the last I remember before I fell asleep.

I'm know up with the children, the same children I am not fit to look after while he snores. I have been on the womens aid website, but he hasn't actually hit me.

Is it abuse? I feel silly, like no one will believe me. Help please?

OP posts:
Daria01 · 12/10/2014 09:17

Yes, it is abuse. No, you are not being 'silly'. Thanks

Do you have the financial resources to move out? Or any family nearby who you can stay with? I wouldn't advise trying to kick him out, as he sounds very violent and it might just be better for you to leave in the interim. Failing that, is there a spare room you can sleep in?

Do you work? Is your name on the deeds/mortgage/lease for the current, shared house?

Has he mentioned last nights incident yet? Definitely stop TTC with this cretin. He sounds awful.

Big hugs OP. He sounds absolutely vile. You definitely need to escape this and sort out practicalities first. If you are really concerned for your safety, can you go into a refuge? I would also report this to 101 as he will have his own daughter alone once you leave, and he sounds aggressive.

Ring womens aid when you are in the house alone/at work on lunch. They will be able to provide you with more practice advice about leaving.

43percentburnt · 12/10/2014 09:18

Yes sweetie it's abuse. Very very much so.

Women's aid is there for you and we are here to hold your hand.

Do you know how to ensure your internet history does not show on your phone?

Redtartanshoes · 12/10/2014 09:20

Please leave.

This is abuse. IMO it's just as bad if not worse than him hitting you. It also sounds like he had sex with you without your permission Hmm

Do you have family near by? Is the house jointly owned/rented?

Redtartanshoes · 12/10/2014 09:21

Do you need to go and get the MAP?

FreeSpirit89 · 12/10/2014 09:24

I am using my own laptop, I shall clear my history after use. I am unsure f he will check. The only chance I will get to call women's aid tomorrow when he goes to work.

The house is in my name, he is named on the tenancy as a resident like the kids are. Its a housing association place. I am not currently working, I have an interview tomorrow. Although my mum is close by she hasn't the space for me and my son to stay there.

I think he is taking his daughter to his mothers today, although I am not sure.

He hasn't mentioned anything yet, got straight up and gone to the kitchen for a fag. Hasn't said hello or morning to either kids.

OP posts:
FreeSpirit89 · 12/10/2014 09:25

Redtartanshoes - I didn't even think of that oh god!! I will have to speak to the out of hours GP too. I only have £20 to my name, until child benefit comes in again next week. He keep his own wages, pays the bills and then I have to find money for me and my son.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 12/10/2014 09:25

He took the bedding away to punish you, because he feels he can do this to you.

He filmed you to humiliate you.

Climbing over you with his fist balled into you, that was deliberate (he will say it wasn't, you are too sensitive, weak) it is physical abuse. It may not have been a punch but it was him physically, knowingly hurting you.

He sexually abuses you. Getting pregnant is a bad idea. is he your child's father?

He is gaslighting by telling you that you kicked him. He is rewriting history.

He calls you a bad mum, because arseholes always use this tedious line to make their partner feel crap.

Today he will say you over reacted. It was just a joke. Can't you take a joke. You are too sensitive.

This man is abusive, you deserve so much more.

43percentburnt · 12/10/2014 09:30

Free from your last post he is financially abusing you too.

Is there a family planning clinic near you? They are usually open on a Monday and give free map.

The house is in your name. Speak to the housing association tomorrow to see if him being named gives him any rights. Someone on here probably can answer that. If it doesn't then the police can remove him. Do you have family who could stay for a few days?

What do you want to happen?

PurpleWithRed · 12/10/2014 09:30

Does the housing association have a helpline at weekends?

43percentburnt · 12/10/2014 09:35

0808 800 4444 shelter phone number, they are open until 5pm today. Call them when he goes out to see if he has any rights. If he doesn't then police can ensure he keeps out.

43percentburnt · 12/10/2014 09:40

Then call 101 and report him to the police. They can put measures in place to protect you. You deserve better than this as does your ds. Xxx

AskBasil · 12/10/2014 09:47

Do NOT have a baby with this man, it will give him power over you.

Call the police and explain that you don't feel safe with him in the house, but that he won't leave.

Keep safe. Flowers

FreeSpirit89 · 12/10/2014 10:22

No the only out of hours number is for repairs, which is an external handy man company.

He's said that he's out until this evening around 11.30pm, so at least I get some headspace. I can asto use DSDs bed to sleep in tonight too.

He isn't my sons dad thankfully. I will try the GP tomorrow, or the local family planning clinic. I'm still shaking. Just know he won't leave.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 12/10/2014 10:29

He can be made to leave. He is aggressive and abusive and the tenancy is in your name - you can get the police to come and remove him and a court order to prevent him from returning. WA will help you. ANd once he is gone, as your DS is not his, you will never have to see or hear from him again.

FreeSpirit89 · 12/10/2014 10:41

Thank you everyone. I'm going to give shelter a call when he goes out, and then maybe try 101 for some advice.

OP posts:
Redtartanshoes · 12/10/2014 11:07

The MAP is free in Scotland, not sure about elsewhere?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/10/2014 11:17

I would call the police. Phone 101 and talk it through, you should feel safe in your own home.

My ex was like this and he stole 8 years of my life, please don't let this idiot steal any of your life. Sad

AnotherStitchInTime · 12/10/2014 11:19

This is abuse. So sorry this is happening to you.

Phone 101 and ask them to get the DV team to speak to you. Log it with them.

Phone WA this evening when he goes out, they will help with legal advice.

Tomorrow phone the Housing Association re: getting him removed as a resident and ask if they can help you get the locks changed. The local council housing advice line can help too, they will probably advise you not to move out because you will render yourself intentionally homeless.

43percentburnt · 12/10/2014 14:17

How are you free? Any luck with shelter?

Squidstirfry · 12/10/2014 14:38

Call experts to advise, but I'm certain you will be able to get him physically removed with no notice as a tenent in your HA. Rape is a crime.

The comments he keeps making about abortion have made my blood boil.

FreeSpirit89 · 12/10/2014 14:43

I'm ok. He's out. Shelter advised me because I'm the only tenant listed on the tenancy I'm in my rights to kick him out. I called 101 to double check with them, they have said the same. He is already out so I have packed him a bag and called his father to come and collect it. He is going to get my keys off of him this evening, and return them when he collects the bag.

I have texted him to say im not withholding some of the larger items that are his. He can collect at a later date when he has access to a van and help, but I don't feel happy with him keeping a key while his stuff remains here.

Thank you so much ladies. Me and DS are playing Lego now much happier x

OP posts:
AskBasil · 12/10/2014 15:15

Well done Free, you've done the right thing.

If he comes round ranting just call the police immediately and let them deal with it.

hope you have a nice sunday without that burden on you. Smile

AnotherStitchInTime · 12/10/2014 15:19

So glad to hear it. You must feel a great sense of relief. Well done.

You can get the MAP free from GP's, walk-ins and some pharmacies. Some walk ins/pharmacies. are open on Sunday, but you will be OK until tomorrow.

Make sure you phone the tax credits helpline 0345 300 3900 to claim/change child tax credit to your name only. Just be warned that if he has mail sent to your address they sometimes investigate if you switch from a couple to a single claim and stop the payments so if you can get a letter from the Police or HA and send it off to them asap to support your single claim that helps. Also that your ds is not his too helps. I mention this not to panic you, but forewarn as SIL has just had 2 months with no payments in similar circumstances. Ask the helpline what proof/evidence would be helpful and send it off just in case.

If you are not working phone and claim Income Support or JSA first thing on Monday or you can do it online for JSA today.

LoveBeingGetAGrip · 12/10/2014 15:24

Well done, stay strong x

thenamehaschanged · 12/10/2014 16:28

Omg free spirit!! That was an amazing turnaround - you kicked that fucker right out where he deserves - you're username sums you right up! Thanks