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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ranting really, but DH been a prick this morning

42 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 12/10/2014 06:49

We have a 2.2 yr dd and a 4 week old DS. Sleep deprivation is pretty much a given right?

My Dd has always woken anywhere from 6-7. She went to bed well last night, no shouting no screaming etc and she slept all night. Yet at 6.16 this morning when she woke (granted she doesn't wake up happy these days. She wakes by whining 'I want my mummy/daddy' which can be irritating) my DH acted as if she had done it on purpose and was huffing and puffing, he wanted her to get I to our bed so he could sleep more but she wanted to go to the living room so she could play (she has just had 10 hours solid sleep!) and so she cried cos she wanted to play and he told her off. Basically in a very annoyed voice said 'no it's night time it's sleep time. Not play time'
Because she cried he took her to the living room so she wouldn't wake DS (who had already been awakened) but he is just laying on the sofa trying to sleep and getting more annoyed at her.
I'm up now cos DS is awake (I'm EBF so if he's up I'm up!) and went through to the living room and said 'go back to bed. DS is awake now so I'm up anyway I'll play with her. Go and sleep'
I got back 'what? Just sleep'
I said 'I don't understand what that means. How can I sleep when I've got the baby who wants feeding changing etc. Go back to bed and I'll look after dd'
'No. It's fine.just sleep'

I got annoyed. His tone was very sulky and annoyed and it's like martyrdom. He is pissed off cos he can't go back to bed but give him th chance and he refuses!
He will be miserable all day now. He will complain endlessly about how tired he is but he will still go to play football at 10am. And will then complain again about how tired he is. Knowing all this is said
'That's just ridiculous. How am I supposed to sleep when the baby is awake? That makes no sense at all'
And stayed for a further 2 mins to calm down my dd then did leave to go feed DS.

I know full well that he will say I have caused a row and if I hadnt made that comment then everything held have been fine etc etc. He won't accept that his reaction to dd was cruel and incredibly unfair this morning and he wI'll say that he was telling me to 'go sleep' out of love and kindness as he knows I'm tired with the night feeds etc.

I don't know what I'm asking really as I know he was incredibly unreasonable this morning and is acting like a tool. Maybe I shouldn't have made at comment but I'm so pissed off with his moodiness and unfair treatment of dd. How on earth can you be annoyed at a little xhild simply because they have woken up in the morning???

OP posts:
DilligafMyUKIP · 12/10/2014 07:09

How on earth can you be annoyed at a little xhild simply because they have woken up in the morning?

Here's your answer

Sleep deprivation is pretty much a given right?

dashoflime · 12/10/2014 07:12

It sounds like you are both very sleep deprived and grumpy. Understandably so.
Could you do as he suggests? Take the baby back upstairs and have a cuddle and a feed in bed, while he watches Dd? Maybe take a cup of tea up with you?
I get that he is being short with Dd- but she will live and it does sound like you could do with a lie in.
I have a two year old and one on the way- so I will probably be posting similar in March!

Vivacia · 12/10/2014 07:25

I remember these kind of mornings. Just talk about it later, at a better time and agree what you'll do differently next time. I really, really sympathise.

(Also, I sympathise with your daughter - I've always been an earlier riser).

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 12/10/2014 07:29

i feel that is wrong to treat your child like they have been naughty simply because they woke up in the morning. Am I the one being mad here??

He has refused to play with her. Shouted at her cos she won't ho back to sleep with him on the sofa, told her off for making noise.
I can't sleep because Id rather be tired then listen to her crying. I think it's totay unfair of him.

We're the adults. You simply have to accept certain things like tiredness I think. I don't see why it's her fault and why she should be punished.
Seriously... Am I the one in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 12/10/2014 07:32

A toddler waking up to play at 6 am after 10 hours sleep is perfectly reasonable. Your dh behaved very unkindly and I would be angry he was annoyed too.

If you have small children you can't be upset when they wake early - it's just what they do. My son is 2.4 and hasn't slept longer than 6 am since he was born, my dd is now 11 and was the same until she was about 4.

He should be grateful she is sleeping so soundly - lots of toddlers don't even sleep through. If he's that tired he shouldn't go to bloody football.

DilligafMyUKIP · 12/10/2014 07:32

I think you are both overwrought and you are looking to make a much bigger issue than one that occured

WhispersOfWickedness · 12/10/2014 07:36

You both sound sleep deprived tbh.
One thing that worked for our family was having dedicated lie in days over the weekend, he got Saturday morning, I got Sunday morning (we still have them now but are less sleep deprived now the DC are 3 and 4, which is why I am mning in bed Grin)
This worked with a tiny baby too, on my lie in day I would be brought DC to be fed, DC would then be taken away again, he would do all non-bfing related things with the baby on my lie in.
Psychologically it really worked as we both knew we had one morning each where we didn't have to rush out of bed, so accepted the other morning with good grace Smile
Give him a bit of slack for what he said to your DD, I have had my fair share of grumps at the DC about them getting up early and neither of them seem to be scarred by it (or willing to stay in bed any longer because of it Hmm Grin)

Fairylea · 12/10/2014 07:40

I'm not sure the dh can be that sleep deprived to be honest if the op is the one up with the ebf baby all the time and the toddler slept for 10 hours.... I don't think being sleep deprived excuses shouting at your toddler for doing something normal anyhow. It's not like she wanted to get up at 4.

WhispersOfWickedness · 12/10/2014 07:40

Ah, cross posted. I hadn't realised he actually shouted at her and made her cry, that is a little unfair Sad Can still see how it happens when you are very tired though, I am very grumpy when woken up Blush

Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 07:48

It sounds like he was out of order but he sounded tired and grumpy and was trying to look after you but needed some sleep as well. He'll probably feel bad later.

There's no need to carry on the argument though. Just tell him not to shout at DD again because she wasn't doing anything wrong.

You're probably very tired and grumpier with him than usual as well though.

Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 07:50

And I know you're probably more sleep deprived than him, as someone else said. But he is still tired. I'm probably more sleep deprived than you. I get no sleep during the weekends and very little in the week when DS is at school because I can't sleep when he's asleep as I have to stay up due to his care needs, it's not a competition though, people who get less sleep than they're used to are grumpy.

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 12/10/2014 07:52

Ah the early days are hard

But I agree as a parent you can't moan when your dc has slept all night and wants to get up at 6 am

Anything after five is acceptable get up time in my house

Handywoman · 12/10/2014 07:57

OP is this a totally isolated incident? If it is you need to discuss it later and think about how to do things differently.

If it's not an isolated incident (shouting at dd for making noise/wanting to play - my H was like this - I LTB) then IMO you do have a problem and your DH is indeed a tool.

Bowlersarm · 12/10/2014 08:03

So hard those early years of night disturbances and early starts. There are times you get bogged down and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

If he's normally fine, cut him some slack. We all get grumpy from time to time.

I hope your day improves.

BeanoBrown · 12/10/2014 08:45

OP I think you have every right to be annoyed at his reaction, he sounds like he's going to use it as a grump towards you all day which isn't fair, if it's a regular weekend occurrence stand up for yourself and tell him to sort his attitude out. Hope you get back to having fun together soon.

magoria · 12/10/2014 09:54

OP told him to go back to bed and leave her to it as she had to deal with DS. She wasn't doing any competitive lack of sleep thing.

If he is going to grump at her later after buggering off to dp his own thing for this it is as shitty as making DD cry for nothing.

If he tries it when he gets back takes the kids out and leave him to his miserable mood alone.

faithfaithfaith · 12/10/2014 10:02

Tiredness is horrible.
Your DD probably needs more reassurance and her mum and dad at this moment given her little life has been upset too by the arrival of her sibling.
Take with massive pinch of salt and talk when less tired.
You two are it for those two so you need to sort out the teamwork when you are able to think clearly.

BrianButterfield · 12/10/2014 10:15

Look, you're both tired. Even with an EBF baby dad can still be tired, especially if he's at work. Ok, not as tired, but tired enough to be grumpy at a 6am wake up. Yes, you shouldn't be annoyed at a toddler for waking early, but come on, it's not the end of the world if you get fed up. It's shit getting woken at 6! Even if it's understandable and not the toddler's fault, it's still shit.

I speak as someone with a 3yo and a 10mo and if I said my heart has never sunk at the sound of the older one waking early, even if the baby has slept well, I'd be lying. And yes, dh and I have both had futile mornings of trying to get children to sleep who didn't want to. It's desperation.

Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 10:18

I didn't say the OP was doing a competitive sleep thing but someone else said he couldn't be tired because she was up in the night with the baby and he wasn't. What I meant was you can't really compare it. If you're tired then you're tired

WalkJumpClimb34 · 12/10/2014 10:29

We all know it's shit but surely the point is you have to rise above it. Two years old often wake early. OP I'm with you. I suggest you talk about it at a calmer time and hopefully he will agree that DD will not want to lie on the sofa when she has woken up for the day. If both of you have your tiredness and efforts acknowledged I feel that really helps. I hope he can see sense. I feel your pain.

We used to take it in turns to have a nap after lunch at the weekends. So you knew that when you were up with the lark, rest would come to you later.

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 12/10/2014 10:29

I'm not being competitive about sleep at all. I appreciate he's tired and I appreciate that a 6am wake up call is shit and frustrating. BUT as an adult you don't need to display all that to a 2 year old surely?
I can't understand how, on any level, this was naughty behaviour?

Apparently I wasn't being supportive of him. I fail to see what else I could have done. He's stomping around banging things etc. He's like a 40yr old child.....
What annoys me the most I guess is the choice he makes to stay up channel hopping til 11/12 then complain he's tired. If he was watching a particular programme then fine but it's searching for something ANYTHING to watch instead of going to bed like a grown up.

It's not an isolated incident I guess. He gets wound up very quickly and easily and then fumes and aulks. Nothing is ever his fault. He says it's all ok cos by ignoring everyone he isn't 'taking it out on us' he's 'leaving us alone' so if I speak to him it's me that has started the row.
So in that respect its not isolated but he's never been so unreasonable towards dd before.
But once he's in that mood he is unmovable. Much like a toddler having a tantrum really......

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/10/2014 10:55

I think he was being very unreasonable. It WASN'T night-time/sleep-time. She'd slept all night like a good'un and wanted mummy/daddy/play/breakfast. That's normal. His behaviour sounds very prickish.

LEMmingaround · 12/10/2014 11:03

My dd comes into our bed every morning. I hate it. It makes me snippy and irritable and put me in a foul mood for the rest of the day.

Your dh sounds knackered just like you. Just try to let it go. Your dd is probably playing happily just now

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/10/2014 11:06

He sounds exactly like my DH if he has to get up at say 6am.

However if I have to get up to DD in middle of night I feel inordinately grumpy, so he does that often.

i would let it go as being sleep deprived.

Tbh..,sorry..it sounds like nothing he could say today would be right so maybe that IS why he is staying quiet.

hesterton · 12/10/2014 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.