I don't know how to talk to my dh about problems

[carriewintermeadow]

I'm struggling in our relationship at the moment. I don't feel like being intimate at all. I'm taking ADs, which are affecting my ability to climax. I'm 50, not menopausal as such yet, but possibly my hormones are part of the problem. I'm feeling very low, we are struggling as dh is out of work and financially we are not coping - we can't pay the mortgage and are trying to sell the house. Dh is not helping cut back financially, still wanting to keep BT View and broadband and critical illness insurance and insurance to cover the mortgage if one of us dies.

I'm finding the situation too stressful and struggle to go to sleep at night. I can't talk to him about it. I sound like I'm nagging and he just shuts up or acts as if I'm having a go at him instead of just trying to sensibly deal with our finances.

I don't know how to tell him how I feel. I don't want to split up, I think I still love him.

We never kiss or cuddle unless it's leading up to sex, I miss that. How can I tell him that I want that but not sex?

Stress puts a terrible strain on relationships. Perhaps try to make him feel more empowered by giving him the task of finding ways to cut costs and to come up with a new budget. He is pribably feeling as if he is being nagged, rather than you just speaking common sense. Give him this project and let him feel good about himself again and he may be much more willing to keep to a budget that he had created. I would say however, do not under any circumstances cancel the insurance that would pay mortgage if one of you died.
If he is then off doing his project then you can concentrate on yourself a bit more. Have you contacted people who could help you with financial advice or debt advice?
Can you get out for a daily walk, to help clear your mind a little and to increase serotonin which may lift your mood a which has major benefits on mental health.
These are difficult times and they will be made easier if you are working together. Do you have a female friend you can talk to for support as you need to be able to talk through a lot of these difficulties with someone and DH is not able to offer you this.
Are you working? If not, is it a possibility that you could work which would not only get you out of the house for a while but also bring in vital funds.
To help out sexually. Do you use a lubricant which can help enormously
Especially as this can become a major issue as menopause comes nearer.
I do hope that you can see your way out of this difficult time very soon.

Thanks for your reply.

I have asked dh to look into reducing costs, but nothing happens. He Wants to sit and watch tv all day.

I have no friends I can talk to.

I'm currently off work sick due to anxiety and depression .

We haven't sought financial advice, as no one can help until we have money to make repayments.

I have a lubricant, but I really just don't want to do it at all.

It is not 'nagging' to have an adult conversation about finances or other serious problems. Who accuses you of nagging? Him?

No, I just feel like I'm nagging.He never says I am.

Then be assured that, in any relationship, it's not nagging to raise important concerns. They're not going to be fixed single handed or overnight. Has to be a sustained team effort. Now if he's dodging the responsibility, refusing to talk and not being part of the team then you're entitled to be annoyed and you're entitled to demand she takes it seriously.

You can even tell him that the reason the sex has gone by the wayside is because you don't find lazy irresponsible men attractive. Which is probably the truth

I don't know how to talk to him though. He always acts mortally offended! He can't take criticism well. Also I struggle to admit failure, and anything I'm struggling with feels like failure. I also can't talk about intimate matters at all. My parents never talked about personal things and now I struggle too.

I know that's not dh's fault obviously. I just can't make myself say these things

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who buried their head in the sand and wouldn't make sensible financial decisions either. I think if you can tackle those things head on then the rest of your relationship will improve.

Struggles to accept criticism just means 'doesn't want to take responsibility'. Easier to get in a huff than to actually do something. People stop asking eventually....

You raise it by laying out the problem in as impersonal a way as you can manage. Frame it as 'we' not 'I' or 'you' and give him the challenge of coming up with some solutions. You're not the only adult in the house.

Thanks. I just can't start the conversation, I'm scared to. I hate confrontation and nastiness and I know I'm not perfect either - at the moment I have no get up and go, feel so low.

It seems sensible to me to keep the insurance for the mortgage (not the BT view obv) Can you write him a letter explaining how you feel rather than saying it?

It would be easier than speaking to him, but he's always here, I never have time alone to write a letter. Also I would feel foolish. However, I will have a go.

I think I'm scared of opening a can of worms. I won't leave him, not now anyway, I do think about leaving when my children are older - well, ydd, she is 13, so not long to go

He's sort of become grumpy and curmudgeonly as he's aged, although he's only 43. And I feel I'm no fun anymore, I don't want to do anything spontaneous, as a lot of the time I have no get up and go, I'm very tired and suffering with aches and pains.

If you're already planning to leave then things must be pretty bad already. The symptoms you describe sound a lot like clinical depression and, if your home life is stressful that could easily trigger it

I don't know if it's just the depression making me think that way. Or maybe hormones?

I am depressed, have been on and off for years, I'm currently taking ADs, I feel less anxious, but still down. If our situation improved, I would feel better, but it will take a while, dh getting a job is just the start, we have a lot of debt to pay off (this is not the first time he's been out of work).

Have you thought about going to the citizens advice for some practical support with regards to budgeting. You could show them whats coming in, what's going out and they might be able to give you some useful pointers.

Also do consider a food bank if necessary.

Is he actively seeking work, being proactive? I'm thinking if he gets back to work his esteem and mood will improve as will your financial situation.

The worst case scenario is repossession but in that case the council will be able to re house you as long as you can demonstrate you didn't cause the repossession by being careless with money. That's the criteria to get you straight to the top of the list iyswim.

Also do you think you could maybe return to work part time in the near future?

I'm just wondering if that would help your mood by being out of the house and busying yourself

Try contacting StepChange debt charity. They are there to help you manage your money and offer debt advice. They will help you because you cannot afford your repayments, if you could then you wouldn't be in this mess. I found them very helpful and they had advice that I wouldn't have dreamt of. They do not charge a penny for advice, the call is free so get on Google find their number and give them a call. At least it's doing something pro active.
If life is this miserable then I can understand that DH doesn't want to give up BT view but until you can make these sacrifices then nothing will ever change. So, you have nothing to lose. Give them a call and see if the experts can help you sort out the mess that you are in (well the financial side at least).

Haven't been to the CAB. I try to budget carefully, shopping at Aldi, not buying anything unnecessary. We just have very little to budget with and can't pay the mortgage.

At the end of the month I hope to start a new job, working from home, which will help financially.

He is looking for work, and I am looking for him too.

We also have put our house up for sale, but the village we live in is not hugely popular, nothing great going for it, so we have had few viewers. We have reduced the price, but still no interest.

I filled in the form on the Stepchange website. Basically they can't suggest anything, because our outgoings are higher than our income

It must be hard to have fun when you're feeling so low and you're struggling to make ends meet. Can you go out for a walk through the day carrie Being in the fresh air and getting a bit of exercise tends to lift my mood. Also you could go to the park or library and write your letter there. I can understand why you would feel a bit self conscious/foolish but it has to be better than no communication at all. Your DH must be feeling as depressed as you

Yes, I'm sure he is.

I struggle to find the motivation to go out tbh, but try to walk my dog every day.

Maybe if you speak to someone at Citizen Advice as a pp said, they may be able to help you reduce or freeze your mortgage payments until you start your new job? I hope things improve for you

We speak to the mortgage company just about every week to keep them informed. On the phone they are great, but their automated letters leave a lot to be desired - they assure us they have put a hold on the account for 2 weeks, then 3 days later we get a letter stating they have charged us £35 because we are in arrears. Cue more sleepless anxious nights

I'm not sure there's much CAB can do, we are very well informed, I spend hours finding out what we can do and what we are entitled to. We have been in this situation over a year.

Have you checked out moneysavingexpert?

Yes, thanks.