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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friendless... Oops

29 replies

AmyDeez · 11/10/2014 23:20

Hi all, I'm new here so redirect me if this in the wrong place! I will sum my story up

So in 2012 I moved to cornwall, 300 miles from my friends and family, to live with my OH and his family. I left behind work colleagues and friends who I had known for years. I made new friends at my new workplace, but I fell pregnant and had my first son in April 2013, and because my workplace was in Devon I lost contact with a lot of people.
Shortly after I had my son I had a pulmonary embolism and collapsed. The treatments for this caused my birth control to fail and I fell pregnant again, and had another boy in May 2014. While I was pregnant the second time I was ill because of the PE and couldn't go out, and I didn't return to work, so I lost contact with basically everyone except my parents, sisters, OH and his family.
I'm all better now, healthier than ever, but I now find myself 300 miles away from home with a 17 month old and a 5 month old, and no friends. I don't have a lot of spare time and I'm very nervous around new people after being almost bedridden for 8/9 months, I have started running and go for walks with my family but I'm a bit lonely here. None of my old friends talk to me, and I don't have a lot of time to go out and meet people. I just wish my old friends would talk to me but without having me in person no one seems interested.
Is there anywhere online to make friends? It sounds a bit uncool but it's just adult conversation I miss. I live in a place called Portreath and everyone in my village seems old :-/

Sorry if this is a really lame thread, I'm just a bit lonely and maybe a bit desperate! I even had a dream where I made friends with a bailiff who came to take our tv, and now I miss my imaginary bailiff friend!! (Yes I'm insane... I don't know why she came to take our telly...)

Thanks for listening!!

Amy Xxx

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 11/10/2014 23:24

Check out the meetups section. If you've started running why not join a local friendly running club? You can just go to sessions as and when you have time.

Coffeeinapapercup · 11/10/2014 23:31

Can't you keep track and talk to old friends through Facebook?

Original poster
AmyDeez · 11/10/2014 23:35

Old friends have stopped replying completely, it's only family who respond to me via Facebook, and physical meet ups are difficult as we work a lot around my partners shift patterns (I don't drive) and me babysitting my niece. My local running club is 20 miles away and at a time when my partner is working. :-(

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 11/10/2014 23:38

So, what do you do with your dcs during the day?

Do you go to baby groups?

NCT groups?

Story telling sessions at the local library?

Check out your local parish magazines.

You know, long shot this, if there are no toddler groups, you could set up your own... .... I'm just thinking there will be LOADS of parents just like you gagging for something like this if there isn't something already.

winkywinkola · 11/10/2014 23:41

P.S. I think you're right not to invest in old friends if they're not bothering to respond to your messages. Onwards and upwards!

Also, I know you said you don't have a lot of time to meet new people but you will have to invest a bit of time in it. It doesn't just happen very easily when you're a parent of two tiddlers.

I know how horribly isolated you must feel. Take heart though because there are others who feel the same.

Original poster
AmyDeez · 11/10/2014 23:48

I went to a local toddler group once and it frightened me. I was pregnant with my second and unwell but I took my first to a group at the library, he loved the other kids but no one talked to me and to be honest I got upset and had to leave. I tried to ask a mum how old her son was and she told me, smiled politely, and turned away from me to talk to someone else.
In the day my boys and I walk around the town, we go to the beach or the park and get shells or pebbles, we draw and play games. Some days I babysit my 2 month old niece, then we stay in and play blocks or colour. Our village is very quiet and mostly old people or tourists who never say hello, I feel like all my neighbours who know us are in their 70s. Then, When OH is back from work we visit my MIL sometimes or go to Tesco.
To get out of the village there are no footpaths in either direction so I can't take the pushchair, and there is one hourly bus. We only have a corner shop with a post office, a new age shop, and a chip shop/cafe. And a pub. I don't drive so it's very difficult to get around. :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyDeez · 11/10/2014 23:50

And thanks winkywinkola, it's a bit sad to feel lonely, I'm quite a positive person and I'm usually OK in my own company but it's a bit sad when you realise you have literally no friends left...

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 11/10/2014 23:55

I think maybe try another group..

I go to a few things and I don't always talk a lot to the other mums especially if it's structured and but it makes me feel better to get out, and the more you go the more comfortable you get.

Original poster
AmyDeez · 11/10/2014 23:57

You're all right, I think maybe I need to just try it. It's stupid to be so nervous I know!! I think I just let one bad experience put me off (you think I'd only have one kid based on that mentality lol!!)

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 12/10/2014 00:03

It's not stupid, I was sooo nervous when I started to go to things on my own.

I prefer a structured class like the singing, because I feel like less of a tool that way!

Sounds to me like to went to a group feeling a bit low as well, your feeling a lot better now. Maybe look and see what's about and try to go to one thing a week?

I've found things get so much better as they get a bit older as well, I take DS to nursery mornings now and it really breaks up the day.

figgieroll · 12/10/2014 00:04

Can you advertise for a mothers running group. It's much easier to chat and run

winkywinkola · 12/10/2014 00:05

Oh. I really feel for you. I know how hard it is. I too have had the person who turns away, clearly uninterested. How rude and unkind! It's not you.

Keep trying different groups. Keep at it. Really. In the end, I just sent my dcs to nursery and I just slept while they were there because I was so lonely and low.

I should have been more persistent.

McBear · 12/10/2014 00:09

Well the whole of mumsnet is your friend now Grin

Could you do a college course in the evening?
Part time job practical?
Kids classes such as karate/gymnastics? (Are they still 17 and 5months? Irrelevant if so)
Could you be brave enough to try another mums and tots?
Start your own running club?
Be talkative at the local park?
If you're looking after DNeice, what about her mum and her friends?

I really feel your pain and there isn't a person in this world who won't understand how you're feeling and have felt this at some point.

HaroldLloyd · 12/10/2014 00:11

Yes you're totally not alone in feeling like this.

It's a huge transition going from working and seeing people all the time to having children, especially having moved like you have.

Original poster
AmyDeez · 12/10/2014 00:19

It's scary I used to manage a store so I was always very talkative and chatty and knew everyone in the area, now I dont know anyone... My SIL is lovely but she's different to me, her friends are all 19-20 and like clubbing and WKDs lol, I'm a wine and blues pub kind of girl. I'll have a look around for groups and stuff, see if I can get to any. I hope when the boys are old enough for nursery I'll naturally meet more people, they are still 17 and 5 months yes so very little lads. As I say my neighbours all love us, but they're all 70+ :-(
It's difficult as well because we struggle a lot financially, my partner works shift patterns and is in the Specials so his work is erratic, it's difficult for me to do any PT work or structured clubs because of that. I have college NVQs in massage, sports massage and reflexology and have considered doing something relating to that when the boys are old, but it's difficult with them so little. :-(

OP posts:
McBear · 12/10/2014 00:24

Are you a similar age to SIL? Perhaps she could be a window of opportunity in another way.

How often do you get told his shifts? If monthly, you could organise a day of giving people massages etc while he has the kids?

ShoesAndPsychology · 12/10/2014 00:27

You are a busy mum of young children in a rural place, I was the same a few years ago, it passes :-) I found it hard finding time to meet up & chat to old friends, they're all in work when I was at home etc. I liked to go to Zumba on a friday, took kids to the park where it's not so full on as a tots group and browse mumsnet & get Hubbie to take you out to socialise with his friends & their WAGS, soon you'll be feeling more positive. Thanks

Original poster
AmyDeez · 12/10/2014 00:28

SIL is 5 years younger, but she's very different to me, she's very nice but very young if that makes sense?

The trouble with working self employed is that I would require insurance to do it, which just isn't affordable right now. Right now we just about make nappies money! (My partner took time off work when I was ill, long story short we borrowed like hell and are paying it back 100x over... :-( )

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyDeez · 12/10/2014 00:31

Oh and my OHs friends are all wankers, that sounds uncharitable lol but they are just not nice people... his best friend told me i would 'never last' ...

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 12/10/2014 00:32

What a knob!

HaroldLloyd · 12/10/2014 00:33

Any buggy fit type things around by you?

tintingirl · 12/10/2014 01:58

Have a look at the Ladies' Circle website and see if there is a club near you - I know there are several in Cornwall and in fact this years' National President is from Cornwall and a load of us were in Newquay for a weekend just a fortnight ago.

It is a brilliant way to make friends and the evenings are planned a long while in advance so time to organise babysitters or whatever. Circle nights for me recently have been yoga, self defence, a meal out, jewellery making, golf. Circles have anywhere from 5-20 members, so not a huge group, but then there are Area, Regional and National events if you wish to cast your friendship group wider, and most meet twice a month.

Check it out - I have been in LC for 2 years and almost all of my current friends came from this x

BlinkAndMiss · 12/10/2014 01:59

It's awful when old friends don't seem to care about maintaining contact but at least you don't have fake people around you. It must be tough with two little ones so close together, I can completely see how your circumstances can make you feel isolated. I'd look at being able to visit parents on a more regular basis, at least that way you have a chance of a break. I'd also give the baby groups another try, I've been in that situation where no one speaks and it's horrible but I'd stick it out - go a few times, suss people out and you'll probably find that the person doing the ignoring is hostile to most people who she can't gain something from (there is always that one mum!). I went to a baby group which was organised through facebook, no one spoke to me but I stayed until the end of the session, if folded very shortly afterwards but I was going to go back as I know avoiding it would make me feel bullied.

Your village sounds very isolated, a dramatic measure perhaps but is there not a larger town/city or somewhere with better links to public services (or more variety) that you and DH could consider moving to? Small villages are much more lonely if everyone is older and you don't know anyone.

FWIW the people I see the most of are my parents, I still live in the town I grew up in but have very few friends since the ones I did have moved away, with DS I made a few friends through a baby group which gives me people to socialise with now and then but I don't have any close friends. I've found it's just how things have gone since having DS, people without children think that you change so they don't bother.

passmethevino · 12/10/2014 09:53

I live 15 minutes away from Portreath. PM me and we can meet for a cuppa Smile

KikitheKitKat · 12/10/2014 11:34

Waiting to see how Amy and Passme get on... Smile