Aged Parents - have 'no rights or responsibility' to them

[Corygal]

Over the years I've posted, sadly and wearily, about mum and dad. Just discovered that they've taken out power of attorney naming my brother in control of their health and welfare, plus finances, even though he lives abroad and comes to UK rarely. I have no say in anything.

Worried for them, as they are getting on and really need someone around to keep an eye, I broached the subject today when I took them out to lunch. Dad snarled 'What do YOU want' and started talking about his will (in which I feature in a weird manner, and not weird in a good way). Mum dodged the subject.

They've both made comedy unpleasant/wrong accusations toward me in the past; stealing things from the house was the most recent - I haven't been there for 2 years, to give you an idea of how reasonable these accusations are.

They've both been tested for dementia, and to my horror, been given the all clear.

As it is, they're already making mistakes eg turns out today Mum is driving uninsured. Obv my oblivious brother has no idea or ability to fix things from abroad. But do I persevere trying to do the right thing? They need looking after.

Sorry to say they seem to have made it bluntly clear they don't want you looking after them and have taken steps to make sure you cannot.

Stuff like not driving with insurance you should report to the correct authorities.

Apart from that I would back out of their life as it seems they don't want you in it. Let them or the person they want to sort their shit out.

Sounds like you are the family scapegoat. Forget the will, them and leave them to their nasty lives.

Easier said than done and hurts like a bitch

Thanks magoria - I rather agree. My extended family have always been very sympathetic about it but they don't know - and, I suspect, would be horrified to realise - the details.

Corygal

Awful for you. Have you though considered seeking the advice of, say, AgeUK about it? I'm sure they have much experience about difficult situations with elders and could probably give you some good and knowledgeable advice - or at least listen with an informed ear.

I think you should leave them to it. They have made it very clear they don't want your involvement.

Hello cozie

How nice to hear from you. I am a bit flat, to be honest, tonight. And I want to protect myself from the horrible image my parents have of me, as well as to try and protect them.

You will have to be tough. Write it all up and post to social services. Inform the police about your mum driving uninsured.

These are horrible things to have to do but they are your civic duty - its not even personal, its just right.

Then step back and leave them to it. They've made their preferences known. Its horribly unfair, but some parents are like that.

Mr Cory is with me and constantly asking for food to take my mind off things. He is my little fat furry real family.

You owe them nothing.

And they've made it clear they think they owe you nothing. In fact, they're positively hostile to you.

I'm on the "leave them to it" side of the fence.

But I would report the driving without insurance, because it might trigger a re-test re the dementia. And it might actually protect them (and any potential victims of bad driving by them).

You need to discuss this with your brother Cory.

Some people still think only men can manage money - could it possibly be this outdated view that they hold and that's why your brother has power of attorney? Have you spoken to him about the logistics - what does he think?

They're Dick Emery-level sexist, certainly, but there's more to it than that - they've never been slow to get me to look after their house, feed and cook for their guests, do the food for their parties, all with barely a thank you.

So I'm not sure what their views on capability are.

That's likely them viewing you as The Daughter of the House and seeing those tasks as a 'fitting' thing for you to do I'm afraid - it's probably nothing to do with giving you any real responsibility. (I've been there, sadly.)

PS - how do you get on with your brother. (I ackowledge that he's some distance away.)

This sounds terrible for you cory

I think sadly, for the sake of your own well-being and self-esteem, it would be worthwhile for you to take a backward step and let them get on with it for a while. Are you amicable with your brother and able to discuss this with him?

I want to protect myself from the horrible image my parents have of me

Sadly there's no way you can do that. Sounds like you have been the best daughter you possibly can over the years, and yet they persist with hanging onto a poor image of you. One can only conclude that it's something fixed in their brains which not even dynamite could shift. It's not you at all, it's definitely them, and they will never see the light because they don't have the right eyes for it. They probably do sort of love you in their own way, but that way is just not good enough and is a whole lot less than you always deserved.

I've said this before, but Nature plays dirty tricks, in that fertility has no connection to suitability for parenthood. I know some people who would make truly fabulous parents who never got the chance, whereas others pop out offspring like peas from a pod but don't love or appreciate them (or only love and appreciate some of them, which is almost worse). Larkin had a point.

Having problems myself at the moment with a DM who started exhibiting odd symptoms, acting irrationally and making accusations I would encourage you to get hold of their doctor and ask for the mental health check to be repeated. DM took a while to be diagnosed because she insisted there was nothing wrong, but is now on quite stong anti psychotic medication.

Good luck

He certainly did.

Its not you Corygal, its them. They have always been this ghastly as well I daresay, age would never mellow such toxic people. They have never apologised nor accepted any responsibility for their actions.

You took them out to lunch (and probably paid for theirs as well). Why did you do that at all, do you still on some level seek their approval?. FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are often three of many damaging legacies left to the now adult offspring of inadequate parents.

I would not persevere with either parent as of now; they have made it crystal clear that you are not to have any involvement. I would also talk to a trusted extended family member; abuse as well thrives on secrecy and think on talking to Social services explaining that they have chosen to estrange you from their lives.

If your mother is indeed driving around uninsured I would report this to the police for them to deal with. Forget that she is your mother, that is your civic duty. You owe these people nothing really.

How do you get on with your brother, is your relationship with him a good one?.

How is your relationship with your brother? If it's okay I would phone him and just explain that their behavious is increasingly odd and you are concerned about them

TBH I would keep your distance and leave them to it.

Have they always been like this or could it be the onset of dementia is changing them? If the former then I would take a step back tbh - they've made it clear they don't want your help and I can't see what good can come of you doing much more

Please don't underestimate the impact of dementia. My DM is convinced, for example, that when she can't find something it's because someone has come into the house to steal it. She's called the police, accused my elderly DF of theft, told him to leave, and said some incredibly hurtful things. Also a 'difficult' person previously, but it would be very cruel if we, her family, washed our hands of us when she's in the grip of a psychosis.

I think if you have a reasonable relationship with your brother, the most simple thing to do at this point, would be his eyes and ears and make suggestions regarding care, that he can implement.

I have exactly the same experience as Cogito, my elderly DM never misplaces anything it has always been "stolen", when things reappear they have always been "put back by someone".

We almost had a serious falling out when she accused me of taking something ridiculous from her house. Sadly my brother is a very unpleasant man who tried to use the situation to his advantage. I react differently now to her, treat her like a child really, humour her & try to make her remaining years as pleasant as possible. It is not easy.

I agree - the terribly hard thing for me is how unpleasant they are and that not being able to be dismissed as dementia. They've both had the all clear very recently.

Has their attitude to you always been bad? My interpretation of your op was that you haven't had a good relationship with them for years. If it hasn't substantially altered then dementia is probably immaterial except to explain the insurance.

The will sounds like a final kick. Leave them to it.