Aged Parents - have 'no rights or responsibility' to them

[Corygal]

Over the years I've posted, sadly and wearily, about mum and dad. Just discovered that they've taken out power of attorney naming my brother in control of their health and welfare, plus finances, even though he lives abroad and comes to UK rarely. I have no say in anything.

Worried for them, as they are getting on and really need someone around to keep an eye, I broached the subject today when I took them out to lunch. Dad snarled 'What do YOU want' and started talking about his will (in which I feature in a weird manner, and not weird in a good way). Mum dodged the subject.

They've both made comedy unpleasant/wrong accusations toward me in the past; stealing things from the house was the most recent - I haven't been there for 2 years, to give you an idea of how reasonable these accusations are.

They've both been tested for dementia, and to my horror, been given the all clear.

As it is, they're already making mistakes eg turns out today Mum is driving uninsured. Obv my oblivious brother has no idea or ability to fix things from abroad. But do I persevere trying to do the right thing? They need looking after.

Over the years I've posted, sadly and wearily, about mum and dad. Just discovered that they've taken out power of attorney naming my brother in control of their health and welfare, plus finances, even though he lives abroad and comes to UK rarely. I have no say in anything.

I'd walk away at that point. Your parents have decided that your brother is the person to help them, and that even if you want to help, it should be made as difficult as possible for you. Everything you do will require his help, which will make difficult tasks even harder. Just leave them to it. They can rescind the PoA at any time (unless they have lost capacity, which they haven't) and redraw it. Walk away, and see what happens.

My in-laws, who are needing progressively more help, went through a phase of refusing to do a PoA "because we aren't old enough". I couldn't care less who they draw it in favour of, but having watched my parents deal with the CoP for a relative who had similarly refused, I am not voluntarily doing the same thing. So we told them, both face to face and in writing to avoid confusion, that if they refused to draw a PoA up while they have the opportunity we would not go to the CoP (because their refusal to draw one up says they don't want one, so going to the CoP is against their wishes, right?) and would leave them to manage their own affairs. That might have some extremely unpleasant consequences, but that wouldn't be our problem.

None of us are you and we only have a glimpse of how things are for you but you need to do what feels right.

I think that duhgldiuhfdsli has a good idea with the letter. Could you write to them and explain that as you have not been given these authorities you can't look after them, and as you will not be inheriting you won't be able to afford to take time off work should they become ill. If its true, you could tell them that you are sad that they don't want you to help but that if it is their wish, you will respect it.

The trouble is that some older people completely take it for granted that their children will be there for them, regardless of how appallingly they behave.

People also lash out at those closest to them when they are scared - maybe all this is really about their fear of getting old and dependent. As I said before, maybe they think that giving power to their son will bring him home.

Personally I would persevere with seeing them occasionally because I could not have no contact at all. I went through some nc periods a couple of years ago because my mum upset me so much. But if they misbehave, leave immediately and calmly, and tell them why.

I think that things will change a lot when one of them dies.

My mum has been pretty horrible to me over the years, but now we have nice times doing simple things like going for a drive or letting me wash her hair. If I had given up I would never had found the peace I have now.