Relate?

[Whattodooooo]

Cut a long story short; DH had a very brief affair which he cut off about 2 months ago. I know all the details etc
He's been really struggling to show me he loves me, even though he says he does and he wants to be with me.
I asked if he'd go for counselling and he said he didn't want to because he knew what they'd say about the past 8weeks?!?
He then said that he would go.
Is there any point? Do you think deep down he knows he doesn't love me any more?

When you say 'struggling to show he loves me'... does that mean he is failing to behave in an adequately loving manner, or does it mean that, in spite of his words, you don't feel loved?

If he tried to dodge counselling on the strength of knowing what they'd say it sounds as though he's not prepared for the consequences of his actions. He should be 100% enthusiastic at this stage, pulling out every stop and fully engaged in the long, slow painful process of rebuilding your trust. If he's half-hearted then counselling is a waste of time.

But forget him for a minute. How are you coping? What kind of a future do you want and what sort of a person do you want to share it with?

I guess a bit of both. I'm sort of needing him to go over the top to show me he loves me and he just doesn't seem to be able to.
He keeps saying everything will be alright, but it sounds like he's trying to convince himself. It's not like he's half hearted, more like something is stopping him.
I'm ok, spend most days crying, can't imagine not being with him though- we've been together since we were 18.
I think having a newborn makes it even more difficult.

Did you discover the affair or did he confess?

Perhaps the notion for counselling would be better coming from him....rather than being pressured to go as he's likely not to be very receptive if that's the case.

How are you feeling about all this yourself....you could always seek some counselling for you?

If he's not making enough effort to show remorse and rebuild trust just a few weeks on, then I think you need to tell him to step out for a while so that you can get your head together. Leave the family home. You sound very distressed. Are you getting RL support? Have you confided in anyone? Seen a doctor? Are you trying to deal with this single handed ... keeping his secret?

Unfaithful partners will often expect 'sorry' to be enough and everyone to move on and get over it. If you are to have a future it takes a lot more than that

I didn't tell anyone at first but now a few friends know.
The ow messaged me as he left her house having ended it.
He's in theory agreeing to everything that needs to be done to rebuild stuff, but it's just the actions that follow that up.
I honestly don't know how I'd live without him.

A lot of people in your situation think that they wouldn't cope without the partner. That's the source of the stress. There are no good options here. Your partner who you would normally go to in a crisis, is the crisis. The relationship is wrecked, being together is definitely making you miserable but you think being apart would be equally miserable... maybe worse.

When there are no good choices in front of you, go for the least worst. Protect yourself, get legal advice, get RL support, take time out, see a doctor.... whatever it takes.

Relate help mend relationships and also help parties see where a relationship is beyond mending. It has to be entered into honestly. If he is saying yes now I would try it - you can always stop. Its a safe controlled environment to talk and listen

Thanks. I never thought this would happen to us.

Just to update: he's ringing relate today and he's going to stay at his Mum's for a few days (at my request)

Please make the most of the time he is away. Be with friends, talk to people you can trust, maybe even get legal advice. No-one has the right to make you feel this shit. No-one ever thinks it would happen to them. If you go into counselling, try to approach it from a position of strength where you know your rights and are not frightened of independence. If you approach it in a spirit of desperately wanting to stay married at all costs, you will probably regret it.

Thank you.

So it's relate day today and I'm soooooo nervous.
I just wish I had a crystal ball.

Best of luck op. Let us know how it goes

Thanks.

Hope it's of some help, OP x

He's been gone ages. :-/

Feel sick

How are you op?

Yeah, so he's been messaging ow the past 2 days. Said he wanted to clear the air.
Fucker

Is he still at his mum's OP?

He's not "ended it" at all then, has he ?

he is still lying to you. I am sorry, love

he will carry on stringing you both along for as long as you let him, I am afraid

He had. He has now resumed contact.
I told him this was a deal breaker.
Doesn't matter that it's a 6-8week wait for counselling now does it?
No jones, he'd come back. X

He was just waiting until the dust had settled before he Contacted her again ?

Yes, that should be your deal breaker

I presume his bags are packed permanently this time ?

And I knew he had as he'd blocked her and deleted numbers. This was on Twitter and last message before yesterday was May.
He showed me them all voluntarily.

Yep