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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relate?

46 replies

Whattodooooo · 11/10/2014 19:42

Cut a long story short; DH had a very brief affair which he cut off about 2 months ago. I know all the details etc
He's been really struggling to show me he loves me, even though he says he does and he wants to be with me.
I asked if he'd go for counselling and he said he didn't want to because he knew what they'd say about the past 8weeks?!?
He then said that he would go.
Is there any point? Do you think deep down he knows he doesn't love me any more?

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 17/10/2014 08:02

I'd say that if he's still seeing her, keep him out for sure. Too much stress / conflict / upset for you for him to be there. And he needs to feel the loss of his home. I'm sorry this must be awful for you.

I think you need support and help for you and space from him. I think counselling for you could work but to leave joint counselling at the moment. FWIW I went to counselling with XH at a time when he was still seeing OW unbeknown to me. He lied all the way through or just set uncomfortably.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 17/10/2014 08:02

*sat

Original poster
Whattodooooo · 17/10/2014 08:07

He's not seeing her. He's just started up the friendship again. And I know what that led to last time.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/10/2014 09:56

If he has not completely and permanently cut contact with the OW, then he is not committed to you or your marriage.

I'm sorry. But he is aptly showing you where he stands on this.

You need to decide what you choose to do now. Whether this is indeed a dealbreaker for you.

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 10:30

I am sorry x

Put yourself first now. He has demonstrated that he can't do that, even now when he should be bending over backwards to do so

You are worth so much more than that

Original poster
Whattodooooo · 17/10/2014 11:01

Ok, so he told me when he first did it and why, and I understood; it was a hideous end to their friendship and he couldn't handle having hurt everyone. I didn't like it and told him it was a stupid idea and it wouldn't help things. He agreed. He's just not been able to cut it off again. Apparently he was discussing with his mum how to phrase the last message. (She told me)
I feel so confused now.
The whole thing has been so out of character.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/10/2014 11:06

Not so out of character if it's the second time he's doing this, is it?

Original poster
Whattodooooo · 17/10/2014 11:12

I mean the whole thing. In 13years he's never done anything like this.
And the messages over the past few days have been to try to get closure. It's not like when he was actually having the affair, he has shown me every message.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodooooo · 17/10/2014 11:13

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm in denial or something. I just don't know.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/10/2014 12:02

Oh the poor diddums needs closure. Apparently that's more important than putting all his energy and focus into your marriage and into restoring your trust.

You are being placed a distant third in his order of priorities here, OP. His feelings, her feelings, ....and then you. Is third place the priority you want to have?

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 12:36

Closure ? Fucking closure ? What about your closure ? What about your peace of mind ?

Does he give a tiny shit about that ?

And his mother is colluding with this Bollocks ? Grim.

Original poster
Whattodooooo · 17/10/2014 12:58

He's messaged me from work saying he's severed contact. Have asked him to keep message so I can see.
Still not sure about what I'm doing.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/10/2014 14:16

You're upset and unsure.

How would you feel about taking some time to yourself, without him, to let the emotions settle and see if that helps you see your way more clearly?

Original poster
Whattodooooo · 17/10/2014 14:33

In an ideal world yes, but it means being alone with a 2.5yo and a 7week old. I have no qualms I could manage, but I think I'd be so knackered I'm not sure what it would achieve. I don't know.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 17:43

The message you see may not be the only message he sends. Of course he is only going to show you what he wants you to see.

If he really wanted to make things right, he would take a few days off work, look after the kids single handed so you can go stay with a friend (or whatever) and get your head together.

You have confided in someone in RL haven't you ?

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 17:45

Lovey, I have a feeling that you think you are powerless. You are not. But life might have to get harder for due to his actions

I couldn't have him in the house, looking at his cheating mug every day would drive me up the wall

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 17:45

for you

Original poster
Whattodooooo · 17/10/2014 17:54

This is true. Yes. A few friends know. When it first happened he took about a week off and again when I was ill a couple of weeks ago. Oh, and he had his pat leave. He's since started a new job so can't really take any time off.
He's let me have unfiltered access to his phone over the past 2 months so unless that changes I will have to believe that that's the last message.
Ow was very happy to screenshot everything that he'd sent her before he finished it.
Also I'm BFing, so can't really leave mini. I have a friend round the corner who had said me and the boys can escape at a moment's notice.
I'm aware that I probably sound like a total mug and plenty of you will think I'm stupid. And I may be back in a bit with a 'you told me so'. But I think I maybe have to see what happens, even if it is a mistake.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 18:22

Take you and mini off somewhere then. Leave him with toddler

This bloke needs consequences

Right now he is thinking there are none, essentially

If he was that bothered about you being devastated by his actions he wouldn't have given himself permission to do this in the first place

Original poster
Whattodooooo · 18/10/2014 20:20

So. I finally told my parents. And I've told him to move out for the next week and then I will go the week after to mum and dad's.
I hope he sorts his head out, but I have a feeling this is it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 11:33

I am glad you are being strong. I am sorry it had to come to this, but he left you no choice Thanks

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