Talking to dd about anorexia nervosa

[Mintyy]

I'm just wondering what sort of lessons they get in school about anorexia? My dd is 13 (Y9) and two girls she knows - not particularly close friends - have been diagnosed with this condition.

I want to speak to her in a factual way, not make a mountain out of it, but at the same time (somehow!!) get across how serious an illness it is.

It scares the life out of me, this condition, even more so as dd is a competitive perfectionist at an all girls school!

Any advice warmly welcomed.

Not sure if this will work but perhaps you could look for informative videos about it on YouTube or something like that.............

I would more likely talk to her about being a competitive perfectionist.

Ok, and how would you bring that up Polonium?

They don't have lessons as such I don't think in this, as it would be very distressing for those with it- I teach in higher ed and quite often girls excuse themselves from class if we are covering it.

Talking about handling stress, demonstrating how to handle stress (harder), laughing at your perfectionist self, talking about being 'good enough' (not perfect) will all help. I have directly talked about girls not eating to one of mine (she's 10) as one of her friends is starting to have food issues, so we have had an honest chat about what is happening to her friend.

Minty I'd tell her that always winning things/being the best/achieving stuff isn't more valuable than enjoying a book, watching a film or relaxing in a long hot bath.

My sons (now at uni) went to an academically selective, very sporty, boys' indy. They were under constant pressure to achieve, in and out of the class room. My only daughter is 7. At the moment I feel there's no way I'll send her to that type of school. The loveliest thing about her is that she is the least competitive and kindest person I've ever known.

OP what is the school doing to help your DD's classmates? Without wanting to overly alarm you or assume too much about your DD's school, please be aware that single sex public schools can be little poisonous hothouses. I went to an all girls school (one of the top in the country grades-wise) for 6 years and there was rampant bullying, anorexia and self harm. The teachers didn't care as long as our exam grades were good. Luckily my parents got me out when I finally broke down and admitted how awful it was there, and sent me to a more balanced and nurturing mixed sex school. Your DD's school may have better pastoral care than I'm giving them credit for, but your description of your daughter as a competitive perfectionist really rang alarm bells for me as it described myself and many of my very unhappy, pressured fellow pupils.

Ineedabiggerboat

1. dd is at a state school in a really mixed area.
2. the two girls are not her class mates, 1 of them is not at the same school.
3. I don't know what the school is doing to help, but I imagine there is very little they can do once someone has been diagnosed - if schools could help anorexia wouldn't be such a huge problem?

I want to dd to know that this illness exists but its not something we have discussed with her before, hence my question about is it covered in phse lessons?

I want her to know it exists, that it is often fatal, and I want to do all that without scaring her or making her think that being thin is somehow enigmatic and glamorous.

Its a fucking minefield.

Sorry OP I clearly got completely the wrong end of the stick. I would agree with Polonium in talking to her about her perfectionism. Anorexia is a lot about feeling in control, so maybe approach it from an angle of 'sometimes it's ok to not be in control of everything...?'

Or if you want to tackle the 'glamorous' myth you could talk about the side effects of malnutrition/starvation, which I believe include loss of hair and bad skin, while bulimics' teeth often rot horribly because of the acid in vomit. Sorry, maybe TMI there!

Are you worried that she might become anorexic because her friends are? I don't know that this would be a concern, I don't know tons about anorexia, but it's more about control, and feeling like you're disgustingly fat even when you are not so perhaps she'll see that her friends are worryingly rather than glamorously thin? I know that as a non sufferer it can be quite alarming to see, whereas the sufferer still thinks they are too fat.

I left school 10 years ago and it was not covered, but we were aware of it - I think possibly through teen magazines and perhaps soaps etc?

I would bring it up with her as a low key chat. It's happened to girls she knows, it's something that affects more than we realise and there are resources out there to base a chat about it on.

www.b-eat.co.uk/

It depends on the school as to whether it's covered adequately in PHSE/PD classes. Is there a pastoral care designated member of staff you could email and ask?

I don't think eating disorders are really anything to do with being thin necessarily. It's more about control.

And its not just anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa is horrid too. As are all eating disorders and other mental illness.

I'm not sure you can warn your children about the dangers of becoming seriously mentally ill.

No, but you can talk to them and make them aware that you know about EDs and that you are there to support them.
Anorexia can have an effect on the DC around them and you can't just ignore that.

The thing is, anorexia is a mental health disorder and so all the rational chats in the world won't stop someone getting ill. I have at least two colleagues who have either been anorexic or who still have issues, into the middle age of their lives. I also see a very young friend of ours, aged 11, starting to be very concerned with being thin and even more worrying, very rigid about what is and isn't ok to eat, that black and white mind-set that eating certain things is just a moral issue, it's wrong. It's very worrying and her parents aren't sure what to do.

There isn't a pastoral class in the world that can stop this thinking and I do also agree that it is common in some places, I work with lots of girls very concerned about their weight and some with eating disorders and I do agree that in high achieving environments these disorders are quite common.

All you can do is provide a steady base, keep the lines of communication open and look out for trouble, but young girls don't develop eating disorders just because someone had a bit of chat with them about it or tried to scare them, it doesn't work like that (this may even make it seem secret/against what 'they' want, a bit like drugs talks). I would just chat about your concerns for your dd's friends, ask her if she has noticed they seem to be losing weight, ask her if anyone is talking about it- I bet they are by aged 13.

I meant to say they don't not develop eating disorders because of pastoral chats- any more than pastoral chats stop many under-age girls having sex (about 1/3rd). It just doesn't work like that, there are bigger factors at play here.

Polonium, you are speaking to me as if I don't know any of this stuff!

OF COURSE I am trying to subtly (without her realising) address her perfectionism and competitiveness. She has been a high achiever since she set foot in nursery - it has got nothing to do with dh and I, just the way she is wired.

I don't want her to get the impression she is wrong in some way.

Crossed posts with polonium I do agree ED's are scary though, I have wondered on the best way to approach it with my children and in the end I've gone for asking my older one if she'd noticed her friend's behaviour and going for a more general chat from there. There probably isn't a right way- but whoever said that your dd may need support/to offload/puzzle this out with you may be right, some of her peers might have quite disordered eating themselves so having other sympathetic ears is important I think (but I still don't think you can inoculate your children against them, I really wish you could!)

Tbh, I wouldn't bring it up on its own and absolutely DO NOT show Youtube videos, it's full of videos glorifying it and pro ana type stuff. My Dsis is a teacher in secondary, could you ask pastoral for PHSE session outlines so you can be prepared for questions.

I think it is very wise to explain anorexia to our DC early on, and in the context of other reactions (healthy and unhealthy) to being under competitive pressure.

It is also important to remember that MH problems in teens are much less prevalent in families where there is sufficient parental presence (and, for girls, maternal presence is key), open communication, plenty of physical affection (hugs, cuddles and laughter), praise, encouragement and help in finding solutions to life's never ending challenges.

It might be something school covers if there are several sufferers already but you'd probably need to check directly with the teaching staff how they specifically plan to address it.

I think I would handle it personally the same as if the girls had any other serious illness or mental condition. When a kid in DS's Y7 class was diagnosed with Leukaemia we talked about what might be happening to him how it made DS feel and what DS could possibly do to support him.

Hope they're OK

Mintyy LOL at beng a high achiever at nursery.

Yes, it was funny, but just the way she was (by nursery I mean pre-school, not daycare btw).

Elephant in the Room Foundation has some interesting material - their website has the strap line 'it's time to thrive'. Their website is Elephant in the Room

I know of two girls with anorexia who were visibly high-achievers at nursery school. I think it's a personality trait that requires particularly vigilant parenting.