Talking to dd about anorexia nervosa

[Mintyy]

I'm just wondering what sort of lessons they get in school about anorexia? My dd is 13 (Y9) and two girls she knows - not particularly close friends - have been diagnosed with this condition.

I want to speak to her in a factual way, not make a mountain out of it, but at the same time (somehow!!) get across how serious an illness it is.

It scares the life out of me, this condition, even more so as dd is a competitive perfectionist at an all girls school!

Any advice warmly welcomed.

Polonium - it is absolutely possible for children to be identified as high achievers at that age. Why would you want to suggest it isn't?

Mintyy - I would suggest that the only thing to do is to bring it up, and discuss it openly without trying to be subtle. But just keep it light, i.e. don't sit her down and present her with a PowerPoint presentation

State your case, i.e. concern, then the objections, i.e. the problems, and then say how worried you are about her, and then leave it.

Do you have specific fears about her? Beyond those that any parent would have?

BIWI - Who would identify a nursery child as a high achiever? What sort of achievement are you talking about?

Polonium, you seem to be arguing a different point to that of the thread. Not sure why.

Biwi - I think I just have the normal worries of the mum of a young teenage girl. Its just that there are these two girls she actually knows who now definitely have anorexia, with a diagnosis and everything, and I feel I should discuss it with her. I don't know how much she knows already (hence my question about what is the norm in secondary school teaching), I don't want to freak her out or make a big deal out of it.

I want to talk to her about it like you would about drugs or alcohol or porn or underage sex or any of those other things you don't necessarily feel fully equipped to talk to your children about; the kind of topics you might ask for advice about on a friendly parenting forum.

My best friend at all-girls state school was anorexic. I found it quite difficult I think. Not least, because I felt she was making a judgement on me. All she wanted to do was talk about food.

I would have liked my mum to chat about it with me. Just chat and listen, really. I remember calling a helpline and they just kept saying its not about food, its about control, and I thought, well, she goes on about food all the bloody time.

My god-daughter has an eating disorder. She's had to be hospitalised several times over the years when her electrolytes have been dangerously imbalanced, and she has heart rhythm problems. She's in her 20s now. Her parents' relentless expectations of her (they are both highly successful type As) is not coincidental in my view.

Yes. But what does that have to do with me and my dd?

Mintyy if your motivation is to help your daughter understand what her peers are going through then the beat website is helpful.

If your motivation is to try a prevent your daughter developing the condition because you suspect she may be predisposed because of her personality, then it becomes much more difficult. I understand there are over 20 independent risk factors and trying to control these is near impossible. I don't believe there is any evidence that knowledge of the condition can prevent it.

Have a look at Elephant in the Room. Did you know researchers think there is probably a genetic predisposition to anorexia?

I didn't know that, no. Will definitely have a look at ElephantInTheRoom, thank you.

Mintyy You started a thread about an eating disorder and your post says: "It scares the life out of me, this condition, even more so as dd is a competitive perfectionist at an all girls school!"

Don't be a disingenuous arse.

Most competitive perfectionists are lacking self esteem.

Hi ive been anorexic 3 times.Once in my teens as Mum was overweight and i thought i was getting chubby skipped meals and the teachers pointed out i needed to see a doctor when i was 15 and Mum took me each week until i gained weight.
Second time i had bought a house at 22 what with all the pressures Mum cut me off as i wasnt married so i was living in sin.Weight plummeted to 6 st 10lbs.Panic attacks gripped me and i went to psychatric hosp where i vowed to put weight on if i was discharged.My parents and dp were warned i wouldnt make it if i carried on much further) Then again when i had 2 little dcs my weight plummetted very low.It was for their sakes i got better.
I would explain to your DD that a healthy diet and lifestyle are more important than the number on the scales.Also most people will start to eat normally after a while and not go on to be able to starve themselves.Once anorexia has a grip on the person it is so hard to get out of.
It is a complex mental illness that took most of my twenties away and i would look out for signs in a teenager and try to nip in the bud before it became too advanced.

I don't think there's really any need for you to address it specifically if you're not seeing any signs in her. There's not a lot of point in talking about it generally because eating disorders manifest themselves in many different ways and for many different reasons. Lots of girls are high achievers and attend all-girls schools without becoming anorexic, just as your daughter probably will.

In my experience (personal experience, developed an ED at university) girls don't just become anorexic because their friends do or because of models in magazines etc. but because they feel like they lack control in their lives or because two parts of their lives are in contradiction to each other and they don't know how to face/deal with that.

Just wondering - and you don't have to answer - are you worried because this is something you went through when you are younger.

I don't understand your post Polonium.

Many people with an eating disorder have compulsive obsessive tendencies and low self esteem.

Why the fucking fuck are you being so RUDE to me Polonium?

OBVIOUSLY I know the link between competitive perfectionist girls and anorexia or I would not have mentioned it in my op!

Sorry, everyone else, thanks for replying but I'm going to have to hide this thread now. It has really upset me.

I'm a recovered anorexic, was very seriously ill aged 16 to the point where I could no longer walk and suffered heart palpitations. Took around 10-15 years to fully recover. My brother developed an ED aged 17, which he still lives with.

I have often thought about what went wrong with us and how it could have been avoided. We were both perfectionist high achievers, with very low self-esteem, living with a controlling father with MH issues. I would say:

1. Encourage self-esteem. Anorexia is a really painful condition; the physical discomfort that it causes is so terrible that you have to really loathe yourself to persist.

1. Don't glamorise anorexia (remember those scary 1980s heroin ads which backfired?) I think that warnings about the dire effects of anorexia would have had the opposite effect on me; I wanted people to look at me and be shocked, to see my misery written upon my emaciated body.

1. Try to discourage perfectionism and to encourage a balanced life. If you are concerned the school is pressurising your child to much, tell them to back off. Be alert for signs of too much interest in healthy eating or mysterious 'allergies'.

1. Talk about it if you want to, but I don't think that would have helped me. Open, non-judgmental communication about teenage worries would have done, though, as well as helping me with my self esteem. I also think it is good to talk to teens about mental health generally; there are many MH issues which can affect them, from EDs to self-harm, depression and others, many of which co-exist.

1. If your teen does show signs of an ED, seek professional help ASAP.

1. Anorexia is about food, it is all about food; more particularly, it is a way of gaining control through controlling food intake (the first form of control which babies exercise over their lives).

Those are my thoughts, based upon experience. Oh, and make sure that YOU have a healthy attitude towards your own body and food.

this is true cambridge chick..i am the right weight for my height now but im sure i dont eat properley i always point out to DD the struggles i went through and time wasted recovering,strangley when i lost 10lbs earlier this yr the Gp said it didnt show up in my notes about the past eventhough i was threatened with being sectioned if i didnt go to hospital voluntarily.
My parents are still hypercritical and i grew up in a busy chaotic enviroment as Mum was a foster parent and looked after several babies and adopted 2 kids.
I thought being thin would make me look like i was in control when most people cant resist some cake also with Mum being large i didnt want to be miserable like her worrying about being a size 18 which in the 80s was all you coulld buy unless you went to an outsize shop.
My youger sis was v slim and admitted to being bulimic for yrs she is now a size 18.
Extreme diets are addictive,once people say how good you look before you know it you are in the grip of it.I wouldnt wish undereating or overeating on anyone.

Mintyy it's not directly linked to anorexia and of course there are lots of other factors at play, but if DD starts to diet/talk about diet, which can be the start of a slide into anorexia then this TED talk is fantastic and could be something to watch together and discuss, possibly in the context of her friends being ill.

Role models such as Jennifer Lawrence and her comments about diets and body image in Hollywood are also worth looking at. Again, not a guaranteed prevention but could be an alternative to the very thin models and actresses teenage girls look at as the ideal.