Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex's new girlfriend due very soon its all really hard to handle please help

29 replies

yummytummy · 10/10/2014 11:20

hi

so separated from ex last year after nearly 20 years together. towards the end it was very bad lots of physical and emotional abuse from him.

anyway he v quickly moved in with someone and got her pregnant almost immediately it seemed. more details have come out re timings etc and i think they were probably involved when we were still together.

due to the previous dv he had been having supervised contact of the kids at his parents. i havent allowed contact at his place as dv often starts in pregnancy and dont feel its appropriate when they still adjusting to him not being here. dc's are 6 and 3.

he is saying now as i am being so difficult he is going to get a court order to enforce contact of kids with his partner. he is also ignoring the divorce stuff and wont deal with financial side and house etc.

its all such a mess i know they will meet her and baby eventually its just this isnt the time.

just feel so upset and stressed by the whole thing and want to do whats best for kids which he isnt thinking of. its just the usual bullying of what he wants to do only.

would appreciate any thoughts but please be gentle as i am so emotional about it as i feel so upset that in spite of all he did to me he has found happiness.

and i may never find anyone or even have the option of more kids and the whole thing just makes me feel in physical pain all the time

i am struggling so much please help

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 11:30

What kind of RL support do you have? Friends? Family? Social Service? Solicitor?

Is the previous DV on record? Was the supervised contact ordered by a court? What is your solicitor doing to expedite the divorce and the financial settlement? How does he communicate that he is going to get a court order....?

My feeling is that his threats are just that... threats. He's a bully so he's acting true to type. If he did go to court and the DV is on record then he would be taking a huge risk.

So please drop all contact except for things you can keep that can be used as evidence to support your case... e-mails, texts etc

RalphGnu · 10/10/2014 11:31

What a shitty, awful time you've been through and I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. What you're feeling is totally normal and I'm sure someone else will be along to give some fantastic advice very soon, but I didn't want you to feel like nobody was listening.

It will get better, I absolutely promise. Flowers

ItsFunnierInEnochian · 10/10/2014 11:33

He can't force you to allow his partner to see the kids and any judge will laugh at him. Honestly, they will. Easier said than done but please try not to worry about that. Seek legal advice. Apply for legal aid, its still available for DV situations and a close friend of mine has just been granted it.

Twinklestein · 10/10/2014 11:39

I wouldn't make the assumption that he has 'found happiness', in actual fact he's simply found someone else to abuse.

Abuse never makes abusers happy, how could it. And once SS get wind of his previous abuse, he may well end up seeing that baby at third party's residence too.

I'm a bit concerned about the safety of mother and baby tbh, and while it's not your problem it does indicate there's no such thing as a happy ending in this case.

You're ok, you got out, you're the lucky one: I would try to focus on that.

Original poster
yummytummy · 10/10/2014 12:02

thanks for replies

have no rl support. both my family and my inlaws pretty much cut off contact from me for daring to divorce him. he is a gp and was always seen as the golden boy who could do no wrong and had them fooled into believing he was a saint so they never really believed me or supported me when he was abusive as thought i was making it up or must have provoked him etc etc so i have always felt like maybe the abuse was my fault as no one in my circle ever backed me up or stood up for me.

have few friends not many but think they get sick of me going on and just this morning had quite a harsh text off a friend saying i wasnt thinking of kids and they should be introduced etc.

dv is on record. supervised contact initiated by me and he agreed to his mums as i said otherwise would be a contact centre. he has said via solicitors letter that if i dont agree to contact within 21 days he will go to court. my solicitor is sending letter back saying i dont want them to have contact at this stage and we need to proceed with divorce. he wont sign papers so we may have to present it to a judge to get divorce granted amyway

OP posts:
Original poster
yummytummy · 10/10/2014 12:03

he is pushing it as she is due in december

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 12:09

Your solicitor is doing the right thing. It's good that the DV is on record. That he is a GP is completely irrelevant. One of the first things I ever learned about abuse is that there are no social barriers.... it happens in the most 'respectable' homes.

The person who sent you a text saying to introduce the DCs... are they aware of the domestic violence? If so, then they are not your friend. Neither are your family.

Twinklestein · 10/10/2014 12:19

Were social services involved in your case? As the dv is on record and if SS were involved then contact in his terms is not going to happen.

It's in your interest to go to court to get his limited contact formally set.

Twinklestein · 10/10/2014 12:22

By the way I'm so sorry that your family are so clueless as regards dv.

Are you having counselling to help you through this difficult time? And have you considered joining a support group for dv, it might help you to be I contact with other women who have been through the same.

Original poster
yummytummy · 10/10/2014 13:32

yes ss were involved all on record he also has been arrested so on police record.

yes having counselling and it does help, gp was 50/50 on antidepressants as i am borderline apparantly and they seem to have v strong side effects.

its just so hard having no family and no support. it hurts to see people with a loving partner and nice caring family. i feel like the only one with truly no family or a partner. its overwhelming

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 10/10/2014 13:54

I would be sending back something along the lines of that you would be pleased to see him take this to court, as it would hopefully flag up his new girlfriend's baby to SS as possibly at risk.

That might make both of them stop and think.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/10/2014 14:22

Yummytummy Thanks
I'm sorry this is all so hard. Have you alerted social services about the new baby?
He's a bastard and he'll be a bastard to them too sadly. Nobody wins here.

Twinklestein · 10/10/2014 14:23

I think SS should know he's got a new family so they can safeguard them. Not that that's your responsibility OP.

Some antidepressants do have very unpleasant side effects and I think your GP was right, you're got a lot on your plate right now, and having to deal with symptoms such as increased anxiety, palpitations etc while they kick in is not ideal.

Quitelikely · 10/10/2014 14:35

I think that whatever you do you must accept that it is likely he will be awarded contact through the courts. Yes this may start off as supervised but eventually it will be unsupervised, all going well.

Exs meeting new partners IMO is not a valid reason to stop contact. New partners are a fact of life and I don't think they damage children unless the pose an actual risk.

I know you are hurting because you see his happiness but you can be happy too. You just have to start looking forward to the future. I know him being violent towards you demonstrated abuse towards the children but you are no longer together and so that risk has gone.

I'm struggling to understand why either set of parents don't believe your DV considering its on his criminal record? Does his surgery know about it? I think they might be interested..........

Original poster
yummytummy · 10/10/2014 15:26

thanks for replies. it just seems like i am still spending each day surviving and feel just as under his control as i was when he was here. i knew he wouldnt make the divorce easy but all this extra stuff is just too much. if it was other way round and i had a new partner etc he would flip. and would be trying to get the kids off me.

OP posts:
WellnowImFucked · 10/10/2014 15:34

This: I would be sending back something along the lines of that you would be pleased to see him take this to court, as it would hopefully flag up his new girlfriend's baby to SS as possibly at risk.

Does she actually know about the DV?

LemonDrizzleTwunt · 10/10/2014 15:36

yummy Do you think it would help to actually talk to someone about this? If so, please call the Samaritans, it's what they're there for. You sound very, very low and quite distressed, and you might find that hearing a friendly voice on the phone helps stop your pain a little bit.

Original poster
yummytummy · 10/10/2014 15:55

thanks lemon yes have spoken to them before also having counselling. right now i just wish i had someone to hug me and tell me it will be alright and maybe make me a meal. i struggle to eat and nothing fits and hate choosing clothes or making an effort to look nice. i crave someone saying you look nice or you're beautiful. it will never happen

OP posts:
LemonDrizzleTwunt · 10/10/2014 16:09

It will happen, I promise. I wish I was there to give you a hug and make you a meal. I do a mean spag bol.

Just remember you can call them any time, and as often as you like. And you don't have to be suicidal to ring them, but it is a good place to talk about how low you feel, and why.

If you could wave a magic wand, what would your life look like instead of this?

actually going to put kisses because I don't care what they think xxx

Original poster
yummytummy · 10/10/2014 17:09

I would have a kind partner who would value and support me and accept and love my kids

spag bol is my fave wish u cd do that for me!

OP posts:
LemonDrizzleTwunt · 10/10/2014 17:17

That's a good wish, and totally possible, you just have to get out there and show the world what you've got Wink You deserve someone who makes you happy, don't take anything less than the best- you need to value yourself first. It seems like you're on the way there if you can see the EA and DV from your previous relationship.

[spag bol emoticon]

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/10/2014 17:22

How on earth is he still practising with an arrest for dv? Have you reported him to the gmc?.

Original poster
yummytummy · 10/10/2014 18:26

Did report to gmc but there is very much a culture of protecting their own like I think in police.

lemon drizzle wish it was possible but can't believe it. Everyone on online dating is a bit strange havnt had much luck.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 10/10/2014 18:30

I can believe it. Perhaps if you Pressed charges?.

It causes him some stress at least. Or can be used as a bargaining chip.

TalkingOwl · 10/10/2014 18:30

Didn't want to read and run. I think you're doing right by your children. You will get through this- you sound like a good mum and a good woman with a lot to offer. If you can, take some me time to go for a run or to get a new haircut (or whatever makes you happy). Lots of hugs and glasses of wine your way.