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Original poster

urgh

52 replies

CheeseBored · 08/10/2014 13:58

Had been seeing someone for the last monty. REALLY liked him a lot, felt lots of connection.

He didn't though and has dumped me for 'lack of spark' which is fair enough. Has now suggested meeting over the weekend, which I don't want to do - too hard.

How can I respond to this with confidence, panache and keeping the ball firmly in my court?

So bloody sad.

OP posts:
Poopooweewee · 08/10/2014 14:38

Don't go! Seriously, no good can come from this and you will feel amazing for having kept your dignity. If you really like him that makes you vulnerable, and he may take advantage of that fact. It's wheeled out on here time and time again, but never be someone's option.

If a guy doesn't think you are amazing and he is thankful for being with you, you are selling yourself short.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 08/10/2014 14:38

He just wants a shag. He thinks you will allow this as you like him. Just ignore him. Don't text back at all. That's the only way to keep it in your court.

iPaddy · 08/10/2014 16:15

OP has said that he is kind and gentlemanly, that he suggested meeting in a public place in the day time and yet people pile in assuming it's a booty call. Hmm

What would be the response if the genders were reversed?

kaykayblue's response is fine - "Thanks but I'd rather not. Have a nice weekend."

Whocansay · 08/10/2014 16:23

Even if it's not a booty call, why would you bother? Won't it just be quite painful for you?

I don't think you necessarily need to respond, but I think kaykayblue's response is good.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 08/10/2014 16:27

If he is a gentleman then why would he want to see OP so soon after causing her pain? Of course he has the right to end the relationship...but calling her to meet so soon? Not gentlemanly.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 16:42

Why on earth would you give someone a second chance who had dumped you? It's humiliating enough to be dumped once. To go chasing after them just because they've clicked their fingers is demeaning.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 16:44

"What would be the response if the genders were reversed?"

I'm sure it would be the same. i.e. have a little self-respect.

KoalaDownUnder · 08/10/2014 16:48

'Closure' is bullshit and overrated. In a situation like this, anyway. (As opposed to, say, if your loving husband disappears into thin air and you never find the body.)

He closed it when he said there was no spark and broke up with you. There is nothing more to discuss. Really.

Jan45 · 08/10/2014 16:52

Oh don't even respond, he's looking to find out if you are going to be available should he be down on his luck and only have you left to try for a shag, seriously who says there is no spark and then asks to meet you - apart from a guy looking to be laid of course.

Jan45 · 08/10/2014 16:55

"What would be the response if the genders were reversed?"

Exactly the same, women do it too you know!

SmatteringOfPatois · 08/10/2014 17:03

You've been seeing him for a month and you need closure?

He dumped you, no spark end of.

iPaddy · 08/10/2014 17:37

Really?

So if a woman wrote:

"I've been seeing a guy for a month, he's lovely but there's just no spark for me, although I think he feels one. I called him to tell him as gently as I could that there was no future for us as boyfriend/girlfriend but that I would like to meet up to talk to him, and possibly, in time, continue the relationship as friends. Because, as I said, he's a lovely bloke."

Would posters then say "he'll assume it's a booty call"; "how dare you degrade him further by suggesting you meet up"; "you're a twat".

I don't think so.

There's a shitload of projection going on in this thread which I don't imagine is helpful to the OP.

Jan45 · 08/10/2014 17:47

"I've been seeing a guy for a month, he's lovely but there's just no spark for me, although I think he feels one. I called him to tell him as gently as I could that there was no future for us as boyfriend/girlfriend but that I would like to meet up to talk to him, and possibly, in time, continue the relationship as friends. Because, as I said, he's a lovely bloke."

And realistically how many people dump someone after a month together and then offer to carry on a relationship that is friends only, really?

I can only speak from my own experience and I doubt very much anyone's response to the OP is unhelpful but thanks for letting us know YOU think it is.

My single female friends who have dated men then dumped them may keep in touch with some and it's purely for meeting up for casual sex, nothing else.

Maybe the guy is desperate for a friend though lol.

Hatespiders · 08/10/2014 17:51

But iPaddy, you're surely 'projecting' what we would think of such a move from a woman?

The fact remains if someone dumps their bf/gf, they can't then ask for a meet-up afterwards. It's unkind, prolongs the agony, and it does have booty call connotations.

Don't go OP, and be brief about why.
Move on and forget it. There are loads of lovely men out there who may feel a spark!

Cricrichan · 08/10/2014 18:06

Say no thank you. Honestly, I have friends who have been strung along for years by guys who really like them but don't have the spark necessary for a long term relationship. Sure, they're upfront with their intentions but then end result is the same. The girls really like them and can't move on because he's still around (until he finds someone he does have a spark with).

KoalaDownUnder · 08/10/2014 18:14

Yes yes to what Cricrichan said!

Diagonally · 08/10/2014 18:22

Yes women are also perfectly capable of stringing someone along for company in the absence of anyone with more "spark" to do it with.

But a thoughtful, kind person wouldn't do that. They'd understand its pretty horrid to make someone feel second best or only good enough until the "love of their life" appears.

My advice would be the same regardless, I would absolutely not go. I would just reply with a brief thanks but no thanks and move on.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/10/2014 18:26

I used to do it all the time Blush

In my defence I was young and very selfish.

MorrisZapp · 08/10/2014 18:33

Decline politely. What good could possibly come of meeting him.

Original poster
CheeseBored · 08/10/2014 18:47

Okay all, I have been a model of civility and dignity and politely declined.

It remains to be seen whether I can resist the temptation over the weekend, but am feeling pretty resolute.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 08/10/2014 18:52

OP how can you resist temptation over the weekend when you said that you have politely declined him?

Confused.com

Quitelikely · 08/10/2014 18:52

Oh and did he reply? (Sooo nosey)

tipsytrifle · 08/10/2014 19:51

He may value your friendship but no longer see you as a potential partner
iPaddy Wed 08-Oct-14 14:12:50

While this might be true in some strange universe, the guy ought to have said this along with "no spark".

At this point he has failed to find other dates, or has been jettisoned from other dates - possibly for no spark - and he should have accepted that HE burned the bridges and should not be making contact with his rejected one.

I make no apologies for my mood this evening!

ThePinkOcelot · 08/10/2014 20:22

If you have declined, how do you think you won't be able to resist temptation?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/10/2014 20:28

Is it very, very tempting to spend time with a guy who has made it clear 'it's not going to happen'?