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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How far is too far (vagina from clitoris)?

75 replies

optimistikcolouristik · 07/10/2014 23:28

So I am reading this article at the daily mail:www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2783791/The-vaginal-orgasm-doesn-t-exist-s-clitoris-holds-key-female-pleasure-study-claims.html
and on one hand I am relieved to hear that many women if not most cannot have orgasm just through the penetrative sex. I have never orgasmed with my DH and he does not want to touch me there. I find it more exciting on the top (because it is close to my clitoris and he does not do on the top of me) but it is even more exciting for him. Catch 22.
From the article, the study found that in women who have orgasm problems, the clitoris is smaller and located farther from the vagina. How do I know my clitoris is too small or a normal size? It is not like measuring a penis, yeah? Also how far from vagina is too far?
If I show this article to my DH he might say you cannot orgasm because your clitoris is too far from your vagina (right, as he really knows the distance) or the clitoris is too small (again as he really knows the size; he has not seen it and has not touched for years; bloody lazy). He is not too bothered about me not having orgasms as he thinks having a nice time is as good but I want an orgasm! Luckily I can please myself but that is different.
I am continuing reading the article.

OP posts:

Isetan · 09/10/2014 12:18

Why are you continuing to have sex with someone who doesn't give a crap about your sexual needs? The only message you're sending this guy is that you don't value your sexual pleasure either.

Self interest is a great motivator — if he doesn't give, he doesn't get.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 09/10/2014 12:22

basically, thats how I'm coping with him NOT LISTENING. We're young. He's in his 20s and still acts like a 18 year old. winds me up. He tells me to tell him during the moment, but he won't go down on me. He won't touch me for longer than a few minutes. WINDS me up. I'm sick of saying anything. I love him to the moon and back but he cares about getting his rocks off, and sort of only about mine. He got upset the other day because I used to have multiple orgasms, maybe 7 or 8 in a 2 hour session. now it's maybe one? and maybe 20 minutes? if that?

LoisPuddingLane · 09/10/2014 12:33

Does he not make the connection?

antimatter · 09/10/2014 12:51

He is a very educated person but not in this area and this is by choice I believe....

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 09/10/2014 14:05

Oh, thanks again. I read all the messages and take them on board. I think he is into his own interests. Lazy and selfish. I am sure he is not stupid as he is very good with his mum. One cough and he would be melting if his mum is feeling all right. I told him that he is a great son but quite selfish husband. SO I know that he can pay attention to the needs of others if he wants it. It pisses me off when he tells me how much he enjoys being with me. It hurts as actions speak volumes. May be he does really enjoy being with me but his selfish behaviour spoils everything and makes me distrustful. This weekend I am not going back to bed for a lie down after giving children breakfast . No point. Again he would not be able to touch me in case the kids jump in bed. Instead of starting his day earlier he would lie in bed longer then work up till very late. I seriously need to take up steps because it is no fun any more. I have been too patient and too forgiving for too long. I know am just spineless. I am a SAHM, totally dependant on him. But I am looking for a job as it is time for me to think of myself before it is too late. I have read too many horror stories here on mumsnet about selfish husbands with their wives not knowing what to do next. &

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 09/10/2014 14:52

Just stop having sex with him. If he complains say you'll start again when he pays attention to your needs.

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 13/10/2014 11:22

Yesterday I told him everything I wanted. Basically I repeated many things he had heard before. He told me that the other day he saw an article in the dailymail where American scientists claimed penetration is not important but only clitoral stimulation. Would you believe it? Such articles are doing more harm than good. I asked him if he read the whole article and also the comments where women state that they do orgasm both ways and that the study is rubbish. No, he did not read the whole article. So I said next time read the article but also people's opinion. So he told me I should help myself during the sex. Again I had to tell him that I have become unconfident due to him not touching me or mingling with this and that during the sex. Also, I want his hands there as it is more exciting. He is truly pathetic but there is some light. I am not going to check it today as I am definitely not in a mood. I came home from school and knocked on the door as I did not have keys with me. So he unlocked the door but did not open it and headed straight back to bed. That pissed me off completely. I asked him if he would do it to his mum or dad because as I remember he never did? So why to me? What a pig. He is a pig, is not he? And I am not happy with me either for putting up with him for such long time.

OP posts:

NettleTea · 13/10/2014 11:27

yes.
He is a pig.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/10/2014 11:52

Yes, he's a pig. Is this his punishment of you for daring to bring up the subject of your non-satisfaction?

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 13/10/2014 12:15

no, it is not a punishment. He is just being ridiculous. A long time ago he read that 7 min of penetration for a woman would be enough to come. He is pretty quick and without foreplay no way I would be able to come that fast. Because he comes fast I also cannot relax because I know he would come fast.

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 13/10/2014 12:17

Did he read that in the "Complete Book of Wank for Boys"? Because I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I think he made that up. The small proportion of women who can come solely through penetration probably take a bit longer than 7 minutes AND would expect some preparation first. The man is an idiot. Or just terminally selfish.

Darkesteyes · 13/10/2014 15:25

7 mins? Hes a selfish idiot. Is he in the habit of believing everything he reads in the woman friendly Daily Mail It would take me a bloody sight longer than 7 mins. hes unbelievable. I stand by my earlier comments He doesnt see womens pleasure as important as mens. Git.

ImperialBlether · 13/10/2014 15:39

Did he read that in the "Complete Book of Wank for Boys"?

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 13/10/2014 16:44

Luckily that was a long time ago. I could not understand why he could not keep longer and then he told me that according to some study 7 min should be enough. Old literature perhaps. So sexist, male centred. Since that time he has improved, probably in the last two years only. I blame his parents for his upbringing as he still is their baby but you need to be willing to change, right. They like to serve and run around him and I know they would have liked me to do the same. Fortunately, he does not expect me to run around him but there were hints in the first years of marriage. Because I was SAHM. In his family it is his dad who is serving around and his mum is doing nothing except reading internet (well mostly). He loves his mum more than anything.

I know there are DHs much worse than him. Mine is infantile sometimes but there is hope for improvement although I cannot wait forever.
I have also noticed that his parents believe everything they read especially the benefits of advertised medicine. For example, mum would read about the benefits of cocoa butter and ask to buy it because it can heal from this and that. I cannot say cocoa butter is bad for you but when you constantly look for miracle products then you think the person is suffering with some sort of obsession. I have met some folks who believe in nearly every advert on TV. So may be it is genetic. He also used to believe in fengshui. It took me some time to sort it out.

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 13/10/2014 16:58

I think you are making an awful lot of fluffy excuses for him. I'm sure there are worse husbands; far worse. He's still pretty shit though. As for this historical study he is supposed to have read, I call BULL SHIT. Convenient that it was exactly the length of time he could last that should be enough for a woman.

I think this situation is not going to get better. Can you live with that?

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 20:39

There is a very simple solution for those with partners who don't listen. Just stop, get out of bed and say 'this isn't working for me right now'. Then walk out of the room and get on with your day, or just go to sleep.

That is guaranteed to make them start listening. Do it. Every single time. You will see change.

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 13/10/2014 20:55

Fairenuff, I think this is what I will need to do.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 21:17

How do you think he will react OP?

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 13/10/2014 22:20

No idea. He might not notice for a start. He has flexible working hours for some days and mostly works until very late. Late start in the morning a few days a week and weekends. I am willing to do my bit (to teach him a lesson) but not sure about him. He has become too comfortable with me I think.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 22:25

Ha, that made me smile OP. My suggestion was to stop right in the middle of sex and walk away and you said he might not notice because he has flexible working hours. That's impressively flexible

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 13/10/2014 22:49

Oh no, I think it is evening. A tired head. I thought you meant to leave the room after his persisting sexual advances. And you mean in the middle of the action. I see.
Well, I do not know if I can actually do it in the middle of the sex. Also he then might say if that is enough for you then why did you nag me all these years it was not long enough. He is not stupid in this sense.
I want him to touch me but willingly. He needs to enjoy giving his wife pleasure. If he strokes me like a robot then I do not need it. I better get a vibrator.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 23:05

Well, I do not know if I can actually do it in the middle of the sex.

Why not? If you are not enjoying it, it's perfectly fine to say you want to stop.

he then might say if that is enough for you then why did you nag me all these years it was not long enough. He is not stupid in this sense.

Because you will not be telling him that it's 'enough for you', you would be saying, this is not turning me on, it is giving me no pleasure, I want to stop because I don't like it.

Then, a reasonable man would ask you what you would like and he would do that (within reason). If he isn't willing to try, please don't feel like you have to.

Original poster

optimistikcolouristik · 13/10/2014 23:12

A reasonable man, yes. A reasonable man would feel ashamed of not satisfying his woman but he would not as he was not all these years. He will not see anything wrong with his actions. That is a self protection.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 13/10/2014 23:13

Then you have two choices.

carry on as you are
do something different

Which do you want to do?

DistanceCall · 14/10/2014 03:00

Your husband is an utter dick. (And he has a dick, yes, but it's useless as he doesn't know how to use it prperly).

And by the way, for some women the clitoris (at least its external part) does not really, erm, do it and are more aroused by penetration. Even anal penetration. Every woman is different.

So nothing wrong with your measurements or body parts whatsoever. Your husband, however...

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