Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH gets cross if I won't do as he says

40 replies

playdohdohdoh · 07/10/2014 19:11

All is fine just as long as I comply, basically.

When I do something he doesn't want me to do, or alternatively don't do something instantly that he wants me to do, he will seem perfectly amicable and accepting about it at the time but will then kick off later and create an argument from nothing, or will be in a very childish mood, saying nasty things and play fighting to me when I ask him not to.

On Sunday we went to a shopping centre. I wanted to go in Primark but DH hates Primark and moaned. I suggested that I went into Primark and he took the DC to a coffee shop and I would meet them shortly. He went off with the children happily. However on Sunday evening he picked an argument with me about nothing, and just started shouting at me and called me an awful name.

Likewise if he wants me to do something and I don't do it instantly, he will seem ok with it but will again just kick off later about something small, for example saying that I am lazy in the house and will just be awful.

To cut a long story short, he is allowed boundaries whilst I am not. He makes it clear if he won't do something or does what he wants, but I am not allowed the same courtesy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 19:15

Substitute DH for "Daddy gets cross when I won't do as he says" and what do you have ?

Substitute "playfighting" for physical abuse and what do you get ?

You are living with a manipulative abuser who uses emoptional and physical abuse to get his own way

Is this what you signed up for ?

perfectpeach · 07/10/2014 19:23

He sounds like a control freak and a bully. He doesn't see you as an equal, just as someone who has to do what he says or else.

He sounds awful :(

Original poster
playdohdohdoh · 07/10/2014 19:24

In a way I would prefer it if he at least voiced his objections at the time, however unreasonable they are, as at least I can deal with it. I get anxious and on edge knowing that he is likely to start an argument with me at some point when I've refused to do as he says.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 19:25

Your children are learning some terrible lessons

BadcatBertram · 07/10/2014 19:29

This sounds exhausting. Reminds me of my ex. He's 'setting traps' by pretending to comply with you but then putting it in the bank ready to throw back at you later. Horrible manipulative behaviour.

Humansatnav · 07/10/2014 19:29

Of course you get emotional and on edge. That's the reaction he wants.

Drumdrum60 · 07/10/2014 19:31

Sounds passive aggressive bully if you want to label his behaviour . Overtime this will sap all your self esteem or you might just give up and give in and lose yourself in the process . Very immature behaviour . Does he act like a young teenager in other ways ?

OhNoWhatToDo · 07/10/2014 19:39

Your poor children. What are they learning from all this, do you think?

maras2 · 07/10/2014 20:30

I don't like the sound of play fighting.It's abusive and will only escalate.Time to make plans for single parenthood for your kid's sake as well as yours.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 20:34

the "play fighting" jumped out at me too Sad

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 07/10/2014 20:35

AF hits the nail on the head as always.

This kind of behaviour just messes with your head. I remember having a huge row with my ex because the marmite on his toast did not reach the crusts!!! I kid you not!

I did realise the row was not about the marmite, however, without MN in those days I struggled on.

IMO I really think you should end this 'relationship'. But get everything in order first.. and good luck Flowers

MexicanSpringtime · 07/10/2014 20:39

I imagine that almost subconsciously now you try as much as possible to obey him.

Think about it

IrenetheQuaint · 07/10/2014 20:40

Play fighting is only play if both parties are enjoying it. Otherwise it's violence.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/10/2014 20:48

Imagine how anxious and on edge you are going to be after a decade of his crap.

He's abusing you and he's devious with it.

Make plans to get out or he'll ruin your life and those of your children. It might not be long before he starts on them, if he hasn't already.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2014 20:59

Play fighting is only play if both parties are enjoying it. Otherwise it's violence. and everything AF said. It's really not OK for anyone to do anything physical to you if you don't say 'yes'. Saying nasty things whilst 'play-fighting' sounds really bad. Sad

magoria · 07/10/2014 21:08

Everyone else has already said it. Play fighting when you are not a participant is him using physical force against you.

It is violence.

Deliberate.

Cold.

Hard.

Violence.

Designed to teach you a lesson. That lesson? Your place as sub his. He does this to you deliberately.

You are in an abusive relationship. What can you do about it? You have one option. To leave. The only one who can change him is him. If he wants to. He doesn't. He is happy with you in your place anxious and on edge to keep him pleased.

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 21:12

OP, get out and do it as soon as possible.

RedRoom · 07/10/2014 21:40

Abuse doesn't need to physically hurt you to count, OP. A small shove, a poke, a push in order to punish you for not doing as he wants are all abusive, even if you label it play fighting.

Original poster
playdohdohdoh · 08/10/2014 09:27

When I pull him up on the 'play fighting' he tells me I need to lighten up and that he's only joking....

He is also really mean to me over things that I would need support or a bit of nice-ness over, and then blames me for being in a bad mood. When we were on holiday a couple of months ago I got stung on the nose by a wasp, and it really hurt. He was wetting himself laughing in a really nasty way and when I said to stop laughing and that it wasn't funny he just kept saying "Don't take it out on ME because you've been stung". He couldn't seem to realise that I wasn't taking it out on him, it was him that was being nasty and antagonistic.

OP posts:
Littleturkish · 08/10/2014 09:34

That sounds like a really difficult situation, it must be really hard to live day to day like that.

Do you own a house together? Would he leave if you asked him?

hellsbellsmelons · 08/10/2014 09:39

Please contact Womens Aid and get some understanding of this abusive pattern you have now entered.
They can help you realise what this actually is and support you through getting away.
The only amount of abuse that is acceptable in any relationship is NONE!!

This must be hard to read but you posted because you know it's unacceptable. You just needed some reassurance.
Be assured that this is NOT OK!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 13:15

I'm sorry you're married to a bully.

Do you want to stay married to a bully? Are you looking for help to get out? Are you looking for advice on how to make someone stop being a bully?

Walkacrossthesand · 08/10/2014 13:43

Does he know that you've recognised this pattern? When he starts picking a fight, have you ever said 'ah, you're picking a fight - my punishment for 'doing XYZ', eh?'

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/10/2014 16:43

OP, please tell us all you are going to leave this man! Please listen to cog and hells and everyone telling you the truth of this situation before he has you believing you are in the wrong and he is right eh. He is a controlling nasty bully and the 'I was only joking' is his way of keeping you tied in to this crap. See it first, believe it second, leave it third. No other option apart from a life of shite for you and the DC.

RedRoom · 10/10/2014 20:56

A shove in a play fight is not abusive if it is done entirely in jest and as soon as you say it hurts or you don't like it, it stops. He is continuing though, and telling you that you are not entitled to ask him to stop because the problem is all yours. That crosses a line, in my view. For reasons known only to himself, he finds it funny when you are hurt or injured, even when it is clear that you are upset - such as with the wasp sting- and that is not normal or acceptable. He wants you to think you are over sensitive and to blame, but you aren't.