DH gets cross if I won't do as he says

[playdohdohdoh]

All is fine just as long as I comply, basically.

When I do something he doesn't want me to do, or alternatively don't do something instantly that he wants me to do, he will seem perfectly amicable and accepting about it at the time but will then kick off later and create an argument from nothing, or will be in a very childish mood, saying nasty things and play fighting to me when I ask him not to.

On Sunday we went to a shopping centre. I wanted to go in Primark but DH hates Primark and moaned. I suggested that I went into Primark and he took the DC to a coffee shop and I would meet them shortly. He went off with the children happily. However on Sunday evening he picked an argument with me about nothing, and just started shouting at me and called me an awful name.

Likewise if he wants me to do something and I don't do it instantly, he will seem ok with it but will again just kick off later about something small, for example saying that I am lazy in the house and will just be awful.

To cut a long story short, he is allowed boundaries whilst I am not. He makes it clear if he won't do something or does what he wants, but I am not allowed the same courtesy.

Is this how you wish to live playdohdohdoh ...?

I think your nic already suggests how you feel and it's awful.

What has happened to you that you think this is an acceptable way to live and raise children

What on earth is 'play fighting'? Isn't that what children and puppies do? I wouldn't think it has any place in a healthy, mature relationship, especially if one party isn't 'playing'. And neither is storing up 'grudges' and then picking fights later for unrelated things.

Have you ever sat and really thought about why you are putting up with this childish, bullying behaviour? You deserve much better.

'What on earth is 'play fighting'?'
'I wouldn't think it has any place in a healthy, mature relationship.'

Do you really not know what play fighting is, or are you just pretending it is so far beneath you that you can't comprehend it? You should ask your husband to give you a good tickling and you should whack him back with a pillow. You might like it.

OP, the difference is if he tickles me on my ribs accidentally, which I don't like, he stops immediately. Your husband should not continue to do anything that you don't like.

I have a feeling this has come as a shock how bad it is to the OP and they might have been scared off .

This is not a loving marriage by any stretch of the imagination. Your kids are living on the edge too .

RedRoom, people who are not comfortable with something shouldn't have to tolerate it in their relationship. Not everyone is you. Suggesting that someone would like play fighting when they've clearly expressed an opinion that they don't, is a bit and a bit creepy tbh. Any form of violence can be triggering for some and some may just want to set their boundaries at that point. They are entitled to.

But of course this isn't play fighting is it? It's just plain violence. As AcrossthePond was trying to illustrate.

Hope you are OK playdoh.

Thanks scallops. I wouldn't be comfortable with it. As a survivor of an abusive 1st marriage anything that feels like violence or physical restraint is upsetting and certainly NOT erotic to me! But different strokes, I guess.

playdoh I hope the various opinions here have given you food for thought. We each set our own boundaries and we each decide when we've had enough. If nothing else, try to sit back and think about your life and whether or not it is really what you want.

Play-fighting is a great way to introduce physical violence into a relationship without it being recognised as physical violence for quite a while.

He's already got you walking on eggshells playdohdohdoh.

But you've recognised what is going on. He's allowed boundaries, you are not. He's entitled to respect, you are not.

You know how shit this is. Good luck with whatever you decide to do about it.

What do you want to happen?

Are you hoping that he will become a decent man?

Are you looking forward to leaving him?

Are you ok playdoh ?

I agree with everyone else, he is being a bully and an abuser. I imagine this is coming as a bit of shock to you?

he sounds horrible, and you sound like you GET it. You see it. That he is amiable if you comply. That he tells you what to do. That he is allowed boundaries but you are not.

So, what do you do with that insight?

Don't leave him once and then believe the bullshit and go back for more like I did! If you leave, leave for good. Other wise, you just put yourself through the ringer twice.

What do you mean by play fighting. More details please

You are allowed boundaries.

It's not play fighting if either of you is not playing. That includes if one person doesn't want to play. Then it's just unwanted physical contact / violence.

Why put up with this? It will only get worse. You know this isn't the way normal loving relationships usually work out don't you?

Life is hard enough when both people are decent/loving/kind/etc. My dh and I are really nice to each other and love each other and we have had hard times going through parents dying, family fighting, worrying about children, teen issues etc. I couldn't imagine doing this with someone who punished me when I didn't do exactly what he wanted. I couldn't imagine living with someone like that. You are supposed to be a team where each one of you is trying your hardest to make things easier for the team.

OP I hope you are planning on getting out.