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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't reveal my existence to his ex

49 replies

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 14:24

Been with boyfriend just under 3 months,but won't tell his ex about me. He has 3 children with her all under 7. She has had a number of boyfriends since him but he's not allowed to do the same,she even tells him about her bedroom activity.she goes on dating site and will message him just to sort of announce herself to him.Said he'd never go back and he loves me but he checks up on her as he wants to know who is looking after kids when she sees these men. He's dropped hints about me which she gets but then ignores. He sees them every sat and sun depending on her mood, sometimes he's not allowed any contact for days.he says if she knew about me he'd never see his kids. What do I do? suggested mediation but he's put it on hold

OP posts:

ouchLegohurts · 07/10/2014 14:27

She sounds like a selfish woman who won't fully let him go. I really think he needs to stand up to her. He has a right to a) move on with his life and b) see his children. But he needs to assert himself pronto.

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 14:31

I think he's scared of not seeing kids, but I'm sick of hearing about her.think he's to familiar with her and just tries to keep her happy. I told him I'm sick of being 2nd best and he said I never will be 2nd best but I feel it

OP posts:

scaevola · 07/10/2014 14:31

Your boyfriend needs to sort out proper access arrangements. If he continues to refuse to even attempt mediation, he will never be able to move on properly.

You need to ask yourself how long you are prepared to give him to start dealing with this properly, or resign yourself to a life in the shadows.

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 14:35

He says he will do just he's just picking the right time, I have asked myself that very question he knows I get fed up of it, he's started hiding his messages to her from me now too

OP posts:

financialwizard · 07/10/2014 14:38

Actually I see a red flag here. My exh wouldn't tell the ex about me (they had young kids). We got married and was heavily pregnant when she finally found out about me. I got all sorts of hassle from her and when I finally split from him found out he had been sleeping with her throughout our entire relationship.

financialwizard · 07/10/2014 14:38

kaykayblue · 07/10/2014 14:39

3 months into a relationship and you are putting up with this shit?

Tell him to either sort out proper access arrangements through mediation or the courts, or to get out of your life.

Of course he has to see his kids, but he is deliberately not sorting that out in an accountable way. Whilst he might still be happy to life to the whims of his ex (if that's even the case), there is no reason why you have to.

Yes, you are still second best.

Annarose2014 · 07/10/2014 14:41

Wait, you're getting on his case about his ex, he's started hiding her messages so he doesn't get grief off you......and you haven't even been going out three months yet??

Good God woman, calm down. Two and a bit months is waaaaay too early for all this. You are nowhere near established enough in his life to be telling him how to deal with his ex.

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 14:42

He says she will hound me if she finds out and that's why he won't tell her, though he has given big hints.he is with me nearly every night so am sure he isn't sleeping with her.
Yes you are right I am 2nd best and I shouldn't be

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 14:45

I know what you are saying but I don't talk to him about my ex. He's hiding messages cos he text her when we out on a date and I went mad

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 14:50

How long ago did they split up?

He's dropped hints about me which she gets but then ignores.

She'll have heard about you, part of this performance is for your benefit, he is kidding himself. Who says he's not allowed to have as many new partners as she has? He doesn't want to rock the boat because he fears she'll make life awkward regarding their children. Mediation would help set up proper arrangements but she may just suit herself for now. Ultimately she'll shoot herself in the foot when she gets serious about someone new and suddenly realises it's to her advantage to maximise contact with her children's father.

Don't give him extra grief would be my advice, hiding his messages from her is the last thing you want.

Vivacia · 07/10/2014 14:51

He is still emotionally involved with her. I think it's likely he's not been completely honest about any physical interaction. He's refusing to sort out formal access because he enjoys the drama or contact or both he currently has with her. This is also why he won't tell her about you. She's more important to him I'm afraid.

I wouldn't touch him or this situation with a bargepole.

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 14:55

Split up 2 yrs but think gone back and for now and again. Think sometimes he enjoys drama of it as he laughs when she tells him she's been used again.i don't know what to think to be honest as he says he'll do mediation but nothing's happened in him doing it yet

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 14:56

Split up 2 yrs but think gone back and for now and again.

That suggests Vivacia is spot on.

ChippingInLatteLover · 07/10/2014 15:00

What tosh Annarose, if the way he's dealing with their relationship is making the OP unhappy she has every right to get it sorted out.

Suzanne unless you want a lifetime of this, walk away now. He wont change.

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 15:19

I told him to go back but he said noway he loves the way things are with me and him but I don't understand the need to hide me, though she does seem vindictive and in love with herself

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 07/10/2014 15:21

Of course he loves having two women at his beck and call.

Give up unless this is how you want your life to be, he wont change.

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 15:23

She doesn't seem at his beck and call she makes his life hard and akward defo calls the shots as I've picked pieces up a few times

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 07/10/2014 15:23

I'd be very wary of this man. In fact tbh I'd just end the relationhship. This isn't going to get any better and the chances are it will get very much worse as time goes on. Let him and his ex become somebody else's problem and not yours. Good luck!

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 15:24

Maybe you are right about this though and I should make a decision on what is best for me and stop pleasing others

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 15:25

Thank you everyone for your advice it's appreciated

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 07/10/2014 15:33

I think it's really rash to talk about love when you've only known each other for three months and he has such a complicated set up.

Tbh it sounds as though he has the makings of a cocklodger. Has he suggested moving in yet?

St29 · 07/10/2014 15:35

Yes we did talk about it but we both said to soon.Hes with me nearly every night though. i Love that cocklodger never heard that before lol

St29 · 07/10/2014 15:38

Seems looking it up seems I may have one though we do go out a lot I don't do his washing though lol

St29 · 07/10/2014 15:40

I honestly did feel we had a normal relationship apart from being hidden from his ex. now I'm not so sure

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