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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't reveal my existence to his ex

49 replies

Suzannethomas29 · 07/10/2014 14:24

Been with boyfriend just under 3 months,but won't tell his ex about me. He has 3 children with her all under 7. She has had a number of boyfriends since him but he's not allowed to do the same,she even tells him about her bedroom activity.she goes on dating site and will message him just to sort of announce herself to him.Said he'd never go back and he loves me but he checks up on her as he wants to know who is looking after kids when she sees these men. He's dropped hints about me which she gets but then ignores. He sees them every sat and sun depending on her mood, sometimes he's not allowed any contact for days.he says if she knew about me he'd never see his kids. What do I do? suggested mediation but he's put it on hold

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/10/2014 15:42

I would use this situation to think long and hard about carrying on with him, 3 months and it's like this - he's still in her control and clearly sees her as more important, she sounds lovely, boasting about her sexual exploits - to make him jealous by any chance?

Apart from anything else, a long term relationship will also mean you are supporting his 3 kids and by the sounds of it, for a long time to come.

Sorry but I'd be getting out of that.

St29 · 07/10/2014 15:46

Yes he knows it's to make him jealous but he laughs at her cos he doesn't care, just doesn't like the kids being around new men

Vivacia · 07/10/2014 15:54

I told him to go back but he said noway he loves the way things are with me and him

Perhaps, but it's not all about him and what he wants is it?

Come on Suzanne you know you deserve better than this.

Vivacia · 07/10/2014 15:56

Yes he knows it's to make him jealous but he laughs at her cos he doesn't care, just doesn't like the kids being around new men

He sounds like a 14 year old.

St29 · 07/10/2014 15:56

Yes I do deserve better

hellsbellsmelons · 07/10/2014 15:57

OMG!!

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Seriously. 3 months in and all this drama.
You know you can do better.
How much does he pay towards his keep while staying at yours 'nearly every night'?
Nothing I bet!
It's convenient for him.
Get shot.

St29 · 07/10/2014 15:58

I have told him that they are as bad as each other. He says he don't wAnt her to know about me as she will hound me and destroy our relationship but in all honesty he's doing it all by himself

Vivacia · 07/10/2014 16:17

Three months in, there's no way I'd be tolerating all of this drama about another woman. Three months in is romance and learning about each other and sex. Not this nonsense.

He says he don't wAnt her to know about me as she will hound me and destroy our relationship

This is a lie.

St29 · 07/10/2014 16:20

Think I've put up with it cos I wanted to believe seems I maybe better on my own

newstart15 · 07/10/2014 16:21

Be very careful, you have only been together a short while and his ex and him are still emotionally involved (not in a healthy way but you can't change that!). I'm not sure I believe the reason why you are hidden "to protect you"...hmmmm, more likely himself, What would be her version of their breakup?

I've been a stepmum for many years and my husband was very open with me, we didn't need to sneak around . However his ex was difficult (she is now on her 3rd marriage in 10 years!) and I doubt I would have stayed with dh If I knew what I knew now . check out the step parents board, many mums feel like this . You are in the honeymoon phase, this is as good as it gets . Are you really prepared to settle for so little?

Meerka · 07/10/2014 16:22

He's using you. It leapt out at me after about the 5th post.

He's laughing at her, he's messing her around and he's messing you around.

Behold your future if you stay with him.

St29 · 07/10/2014 16:29

How is he messing her about? She's slept with about 6 men in 4 months from what I gathered

Castlemilk · 07/10/2014 16:35

he's started hiding his messages to her from me now too

Split up 2 yrs but think gone back and for now and again.

Think sometimes he enjoys drama of it

she makes his life hard and akward defo calls the shots

Don't walk away. Run as fast as you can.

You know who the real problem is here? Both of them.

They sound like a pair - that's right, a PAIR - of twats.

Three months? Seriously, move on.

Don't think about it any more deeply than that. Twats. Pair of. Move on.

MysteryMan1 · 07/10/2014 16:47

Run and run some more. 3 months in and having to deal with him, her and no doubt other shit? I would get rid and quick..

LadyLuck10 · 07/10/2014 16:53

You have only heard his side. He's probably working it out with her and keeping you as second option. For the first 3 months you usually want people to meet the person you're seeing, not hide them. You deserve much better.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/10/2014 16:58

"Been with boyfriend just under 3 months"
Seriously, ditch him now. Wa-ay too much drama at such an early stage of your relationship, when it should be in its honeymoon period and both of you on your best behaviour still. He has far too much baggage, and he carries it badly. Find someone else, someone who is emotionally available.

Gina111 · 07/10/2014 17:18

We are making assumptions about access to children through the courts but from what I have read they could still be married.

Frogisatwat · 07/10/2014 17:27

Sorry but there is far too much 'ex' talk going on. How often does he bring up her name? How many conversations are about her?

OneSkinnyChip · 07/10/2014 17:32

I dumped an ex for the same reason. His ex owned him. It was never going to work and it was made quite clear that he would dance to her tune until his DC was old enough to ask for contact. Get out and make the life you want for yourself with someone who will value you properly.

St29 · 07/10/2014 17:41

He brings her up a lot.

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2014 20:06

Just 3 months in, and all this headache? What for? Is the man made of gold?! Step back and let him sort out his emotional attachment to his ex. If he wants you he will sort out access etc. If he doesn't, then he won't. If he wants to continue with current arrangement then you can't stop him. & why would you want a man you had to nag into doing what you want, anyway. His ex is more important than you are, you need to accept that and then decide whether you want to stay with him, or go. Why focus on the ex? He is your partner, not her. Let them do what they want. Because if push comes to shove he will go back to her anyway and you will be left out in the cold

trackrBird · 07/10/2014 20:36

I don't think he's telling you the truth, about anything.
I also think he mentions his ex to keep you on your toes. I would step away from him.

Frogisatwat · 07/10/2014 22:09

He isn't over her..

zippey · 08/10/2014 09:04

You just have to ask yourself if you are happy to be treated this way, and if you aren't then what steps can he put in place.

Has he introduced you to his wider group of friends and family?

Also, be aware that she might sleep with him from time to time if she thinks that he is still single.

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