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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just getting stuff of my chest

34 replies

stupidlittlegirl · 06/10/2014 22:38

When i was 14/15 i met a man off the internet. We went for a walk in the woods. He took photographs of me naked and semi naked and we also has sex. Twice i think.
We also then went to his car where his girlfriend was. She had sex with me on the back seat whilst he watched.

This was something i had more or less forgotten about. But it had been playing on my mind more. Thinking about the pictures of me. Where are they now? Etc.

I can not believe what a stupid girl i was. Jesus. What the hell was i thinking? I could have been bloody murdered!

Not sure why im posting. I suppose just to get it off my chest!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2014 22:58

That was a pretty serious assault on a young girl and it shouldn't have happened to you. Has it affected your ability to live a normal life and form relationships since? Have you ever spoken to someone about what happened?

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 06/10/2014 23:10

No i dont feel it has affected my life or relationships. I am very happy with my dh l, we have been together for 6yrs and we are expecting a baby.

No i have never spoken to anyone about it. I feel incredibly stupid. What a bloody idiot for putting myself in that situation.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 06:47

It's not a question of stupidity or idiocy. You were a child, you were not mentally equipped to deal with the situation, and these people were criminal adults who groomed you into taking part in illegal sexual acts. You were abused.

I don't know what prompted you to think about this now... maybe it's because you're due to be a mother? When you have your baby you will feel, amongst other things, a huge need to protect. Who was protecting you when you were 14/15? Why did they fail you?

I'm glad you've gone on to have a happy life but you may want to consider reporting this incident and receive some counselling rather than carry on blaming yourself or thinking you were a 'stupid little girl'.

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 09:32

I dont think i was failed by my parents, i remember being very sneaky and hiding it from them. I was a very willful child.
Who could i report it to? I can not remember any of the details that might help the police find him or the pictures that were taken.
I dont think this affects my day to day life, i just hate the thought of those pictures possibly being out in cyberspace. I dont remember if my face could be seen. This was about 10 years ago.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 09:42

You could talk to Rape Crisis in the first instance. In the light of the Yew Tree investigation and the various convictions for what is classed as 'historical abuse', there are a huge number of people coming forward who are just like yourself. They call themselves things like wilful, sneaky, stupid. They thought they wouldn't be believed and that they were acting voluntarily when they were groomed or coerced. They are now being treated very sensitively, offered counselling and other support.

You may remember more than you think about the incident & if this couple coerced you and it was so well orchestrated, there may well be others who come forward with similar stories. But it's possibly more important that you simply get to be heard, believed, taken seriously and reassured that you were not a stupid little girl but a victim of a crime.

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 09:47

I have never classed it as rape. To be honest it was the pictures i was more upset about. If upset is the word. I am more wondering what happened to them.
You are probably right about remembering more, i only remembered that we had sex when i wrote this thread.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/10/2014 10:07

God, what a thing to happen. It's all the more shocking because there was a woman there, too.

Do you still have any emails which gave any kind of contact number for these people?

snowdragonista · 07/10/2014 10:16

Hi OP.

I was pondering starting a thread about a similar issue in my own life, but bottled out. So, thank you for being braver than me.

My situation was slightly different in that I had a year long relationship with a man in his twenties when I was 15. I thought we were 'in love', but now in my late 30s and a mother myself, I can see that he groomed and abused me. He took a lot of photos and videos of me, which periodically I get terrible worries over.

My experience (and some other nasty experiences with men in my teens) definitely affected my relationships and sexuality for a long time. I'm happily married now and have been for years, but the feeling of being 'dirty' still plagues me.

I've had lots of therapy for other issues, but have never felt able to broach this particular subject due to intense feelings of shame. However, what I have been able to do is name what he did to me (grooming, abuse, exploitation) and recognize that although i might have felt like a grown up at the time, I was a child and what he did was wrong.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. X

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 10:36

The man and woman were not a huge amount older. Mid 20s? I am terrible at ageing people though.

There was a soical site, like Facebook, that my friends were into. I think it was called faceparty? That is where i met him and spoke to him as well as possibly using a mobile i had at the time.
I dont recall any emails between us, but i know what email i used at the time.

Snow, thank you for your post. Im sorry it has affected your life . The photos ( i don't think he filmed me, but i do remember having my hands/arms over my face so i guess its possible) are what bother me most. I hate to think they might be out there for others to look at.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 10:44

It was rape, I'm sorry. Age 14 or 15 you were not in a position to give consent, and coercing a child into sex is rape. You're clearly worried about the photos and that's understandable. If this man and his accomplice did this before and since (quite likely) then they may even already be known to the police or on a sex offenders' register.

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 10:47

But i really have no way of finding him, i have no proof of any contact. It is entirely possible i told him i was older then i was. I dont think i did- but it is a possibility.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 10:56

Your problem you've presented is that you are worried that there are pictures of an abused 14yo you circulating somewhere. They may never be found, they may not exist, they may be on every paedophile's laptop from here to Tokyo. That's the reality and it may not be possible to solve the problem therefore.

However, another reality is that you are styling yourself a 'stupidlittlegirl'. You believe your 14yo self was stupid, sneaky, wilful, maybe lied about her age and a whole host of other negative things. You didn't feel able to tell people what happened at the time so it's been a secret. Now it's on your mind again so it is affecting you. One day your baby will be the same age and I guarantee that, no matter what trouble they get into, you will not reprimand them in the same harsh terms that you are using on yourself. You may well have been foolish or naïve or trusting but you were a child... that's why we protect children.

You don't have to find these people in order to get help for yourself in resolving this episode.

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 11:19

How else do i resolve it? I know the pictures were taken, but i suppose they may have been deleted. If i knew they didn't exist i wouldnt be so bothered. Although j suppose i am now a bit concerned he may have done this to more girls. Especially if it affects them in their lives.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 07/10/2014 11:33

Would your DH be supportive if you told him?

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 11:35

My dh knows.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 11:41

I think 'the pictures', as well as being something tangible that are causing you worry, are also bothering you because they are a link pulling you back to the assault. A reminder of an incident you'd rather forget. I still think that's the thing that hasn't been resolved.

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 14:13

I would like him found and any pictures destroyed, with him getting investigated. But i dont think it is even possible considering how long ago it was.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 15:18

I'm sure Rolf Harris thought he was safe as well... Realistically, maybe the pictures won't be found and the person not investigated but, if you don't say anything, the chances reduce from low to zero

ImperialBlether · 07/10/2014 15:28

You may never know what happened to those photos, OP, but I bet you anything that if the police did find him, he would have photos of other young girls on his computer. That alone would make it worthwhile.

What do you remember about him? First names? Physical description? Type of car?

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 15:37

He had long churlish hair and said his name was andrew. He had quite a strange voice.i think he dressed in an alternative/gothic way. I think he had a greeny/blue micra, but i cant be sure. It was a smaller car. He was a bit podgy. It is ridiculous how hazy it all is, i cant pin point anything as fact. Except his voice. I remember being startled by his funny voice

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 15:46

A funny voice would be difficult to disguise. He sounds like an odd character all round, really. Would be astonished if he hadn't already come to the attention of the authorities.

Original poster
stupidlittlegirl · 07/10/2014 15:52

I cant say what it was that was strange about his voice, i just know i thought it was odd. It might have been the way he spoke as well that was strange. A bit squeaky? I didnt speak to him on the phone before we met.
Who would i be best to speak to? I feel very stupid, so ideally someone sensitive.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 15:58

I think Rape Crisis are a good first step. They are very understanding and there to support victims and I know that they've been getting a lot of calls from people, just like you, in the wake of the Yew Tree inquiry. These cases from years ago are encouraging a lot of people to come forward for the first time.

Icantthinkofanamerightnow · 07/10/2014 15:58

I had a very similar experience, when I was 14/15, and had a weird 'thing' with a man in his 50's mostly I just forget about it but occasionally I have thought about how unfair it is that he got away with it. He used to give me money when I visited him. I answered an ad for a cleaner and he offered me more money to do more. I'd bunk off school, he'd take photos of me naked, touch me. make me do things. I think I also lied about my age, but I'd turn up at his house in my uniform. He must have known. He may even be dead now but I do sometimes think about reporting it, but on the other hand what good would come of it apart from raking it up? I know where he lived so he would be easy to trace. I've thought about posting about it here asking if it's worth trying to pursue it. I don't know if it's best to just keep shutting it out. I don't really think about it too much.

Sorry to hijack your thread.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 16:02

@Icantthink... As with the OP, the benefit of reporting is not necessarily that it leads to investigation or prosecution. It can be as simple as someone sensitive confirming to you that what happened was wrong. A lot of people are keeping secrets, shutting things out, getting on with life and generally coping. But if it keeps niggling at you, it might be that you need help.