How to support dp - he just sent a text about leaving his job. He can't !

[Anotherchapter]

Dp works a manager in a sales/money based job. He helped develop company from scratch.

He is the main bread winner, I only go to work one day a week just to keep my hand in as we decided I would be a SAHM. We don't receive any benefits as he earns too much. Not enough for us to be rolling in cash but enough to see us through.

He has just sent a message saying he is considering leaving they are putting too much pressure on him, it's making him Ill. I sent one back saying " ok let's chat tonight, take a deep breath and do what you can do today"

He bottles things up so hasn't discussed anything like this before. He is not probe to flippant remarks either. I know he is under stress with his family business that he does the most in.

I'm in a bit of a panic because for him too mention this - something must happening in work for a while. Christmas is around the corner, bills need paying. I do not mind going full time in work but there isn't the hours.

What can I say to be supportive with out coming out in hives and panic which I am now (no hives)

Sorry you're in this stressful situation Another.

If he feels like this about his job then it's important that he takes steps to change the situation but, as you say, it's panic-inducing to think of him leaving his job. Perhaps the best you can do is help him to see that he should channel his energy into applying for other jobs rather than the knee-jerk reaction of resigning from his current one before putting plans in place to secure another one.

I have just given up a better-paid, higher profile job because I'd got to the point where it was starting to have an impact on my health. I took the difficult decision to take a pay-cut and step back into my old job to try to put right the work-life balance. It was the right thing to do.

Sorry, reading that back I don't think it's helpful really! But I just wanted to offer some moral support.

Stop panicking, it's better to scrub toilets for minimum wage and be sane and happy than destroy yourself for a high paid job, if he quits and gets a lower paid job then you will be entitled to tax credit, child benefit etc. You will soon master the art of cutting your cloth to your means

I actually went through this exact thing about 10 years ago, we have not only survived but have thrived!

Would he consider waiting it out til you can find something full time? Or both of you look for part time work?

Something major must have happened if this has come out of the blue. Id rather my Dh And I swapped for a while or he took on less well paid work in order to keep a happy family home.

Well first you need to get him to "let it all out" so you can assess how bad it really is; and then see whether or not he's prepared to look around for something else while he stays in role, rather than just walk out and be unemployed, as that will affect his chances of getting any money from the govt (although not yours, I believe)

Thanks for replies.

I think it must be bad as he knows I'm a worrier so fir him to say this it would have taken a lot, especially me worrying about Xmas this morning.

When he comes in I'm going to say " firstly, if you want to leave - leave. But let's rewind and look at what's going on" I was beyond stressed out in my work before maternity so I know how much it can eat you up. He won't want to be a SAHD so he would look for work. I'll just see if he can stick it till Xmas and look for something in the mean time.

God timing is awful

When he comes in, let him say everything he needs to say. He is trying to tell you he needs support.

You sound lovely.

I think for many breadwinners, there's the double whammy of not liking the job and feeling the huge pressure of being trapped because the family rely on you.

By taking the pressure off him and making him feel he has a choice and that you love and support him no matter what, I'm sure that'll make a huge difference to him immediately, as will being able to talk it through.

I think you have to support him emotionally - he must be pretty low to have sent that text.

He has to know that him walking out will not be the end of the world, if it comes to it. If he has your support, he may feel able to future plan with you for a more managed way out.

My DH walked out of a job he loathed. Like a previous poster, we not only survived, but thrived. He is thinner, healthier happier and life is good.

I am about to start a fantastic high powered high paid job & I can't wait. This is not instant, it has taken us years to get here, but we have never regretted him deciding he had had enough.

Can you find another job where you could get more hours? That might take the pressure off him a bit.

Dh did this once too. He bottled all the stress up and it was starting to really affect him. Once I'd said those 'magic words' 'ok it's time to think about leaving' I could see the stress literally melt away.

You just need to be supportive and listen well.

Dh is still doing the same job 2 years on but I think he copes with it better knowing that I am behind him 100%

Agreed - he needs to be able to vent without having to worry about you saying "but I can't earn the same money as you" - he knows that, but that doesn't make his work stress more tolerable, rather than reverse.

I think you understand this, just let him get it all off his chest and then look at solutions together. Christmas can be downsized if need be. If he starts looking for new work now he's unlikely to start a new role this side of Christmas anyway. But please don't say "you can't leave your job". He can. Hopefully for something that will work out better for him.

DH went through this too. We didn't have children but were living overseas at the time with a house in UK that was rented out. I told him to just do whatever as being so stressed wasn't worth it. He typed up his resignation letter but just doing that seemed to help and he stayed. We used to joke he updated the date on the resignation letter every day!

I think that sometimes just thinking, "I'm going to leave next week" can get you through the week.

I agree with others, the fact that he knows you are supportive will be worth a lot. DH had a wobble a few years ago and wanted to walk out of his job. For us at the time that would have meant slashing our household income in half and would have had a massive impact. He has said since that the fact that I said "do it if you need to, we'll cope." made all the difference to him. Just knowing he could leave if he had to gave him the breathing space he needed to think clearly.

Thanks for the further replies.

I sent a text saying "life's too short, we will make a plan if you want to leave"

He rang back and said that he is not completing work as his boss has piled work on him eg. Setting a new call centre up. He said he's not going to walk out - he just feels like it. He is going to ask to have a meeting with his boss for 'a frank' talk. In all the years I've known him, he has never said anything like this. He is not a quitter, he must be feeling really bad. It doesn't help that he has to spend his lunch time chasing people for the business he has with his dad and brother - which is actually making no money. His dad and brother are marginally starting to pull their weight though.

I wouldn't mind taking more hours on but there isn't any hours going so would have to go in to something new - but if needs must I will.

I've just took dd for a quick march walk and thought if we have no money at Xmas - it just means I won't have to cook dinner for all and sundry, see there is a sliver lining!

Could you help your DH with the family business, so that he's not having to do the chasing at lunchtime? I know it's difficult with DC, but just thinking that could take some pressure off immediately.

Pizza for Christmas lunch sounds perfect!

ajand it's been discussed in the past (I don't mind it will keep my brain active ) but he still ends up doing it. I'll bring it up tonight something's gotta give .

Good for you OP. I'm sure you must feel worried but it's great you can be there for your husband.

I recently left a job which stoppede sleeping and I sat in the car and cried before I went in. Even Rescue Remedy and Kalms didn't help. My new jon pays less so I do more hours but it is still the best thing I ever did

I had a wobble earlier in the year related to job stress. I had four counselling sessions to help me understand that I couldn't do everything, no one could. I also took a few hours off each day for a couple of days with my boss's blessing (actually he told me to take a week off but I'd have dreaded the thought of going back). Working from home a little also helped, it's amazing how much time you lose in the office due to distractions.

I'm glad you are so supportive.

Morning! Thanks for further replies.

Update if anyone's interested.

Dp came home and said his boss has been piling on extra work which has been putting him under pressure. He has been with the company since the very first day, (he was the first employee and built the team and developed it) brought key employees in and worked late, gave up his paternity . The buisness is now worth over a million pound. The boss has always dangled a carrot of a small percentage in shares of it but it's never actually materialised.

Apparently a few weeks ago a member of staff that's been there only a few months has been promoted over dp (but not directly) and dp has had to give his car park space up. There is no other spaces so has to park a fifteen min walk away. The 'new' employee is dating the head of HR. The boss never told dp personally either - which is strange as the are friends apparently.

It sounds petty but I think it was he straw that broke the camels back. Dp feels massively undervalued, he gave his paternity up as boss was askng him back after TWO days as the couldn't cope. His boss rang me and apologised.

He feels he has had a kick in the teeth and that it's not been appreciated what he has done. He was promised company cars, gym memberships, shares - none of it's materialised and know he feels he is being pushed out.

Dp mentioned it to a close colleague (him, boss and colleague work very close together) and boss rang at 10:30pm last night, said that colleague had told him he wanted leave. Boss said that wasn't an option, didn't want to lose him blah blah. They are going to talk today. Dp seemed happy his boss rang him.

Dp said he would be heart broke if he left but can't carry on like this.

I don't want dp working there if he is being trampled over. He is bloody proud of that business and his boss has made A LOT of money because of MY DP. I told dp that he he did go - he would take an invaluable experience of setting up a buisness. He did all the leg work but with boss money. We will scrape every penny we can get and some how do our bloody own. Was fuming last night.

Hope all goes well for him today (fingers crossed)

Hope he has a better day today

Sounds like you have his back anyway, which is vital. It does sound utterly shit, thats for sure.

I'd be telling him to leave too, tbh. Boss better come up with something tangible.

He better come up with a fucking parking space!

On a serious note, I know what it's like to bust a gut, juggling ten differnt plates and not feelng valued boss taking piss

We will sort something .

I think you're handling it well. Just knowing that you'd back him if he did decide to leave might help him through. Don't worry about Xmas, it can be done on a budget, it's not the end of the world!

Good luck op, hope you two sort it out.