Cut off by a friend - so hurt

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

I made a very good friend via work. This person is quite troubled and I like to think that I was very supportive of her both at work and in her personal life. She's a wonderful person, has a great sense of humour and is very giving.

She's been through quite a bit in her life and has recently decided to emigrate to get away from her parents with whom she's NC. I've been very supportive through that and talked about it as and when she's wanted to.

I noticed that she had not been getting back to me when I'd left voicemails, messages via Facebook and texts. I saw on Facebook that her relocation is imminent (within days) and popped around to her house last night to say goodbye and also to ask if I'd offended her. She told me that she could only have people in her life that she trusts and that's why she'd not been in contact with me. I was really baffled as to what I could have done to prove myself untrustworthy - I'd not relayed any of her problems to anyone else and maintained all confidences. It transpires that we'd made vague plans to meet one Sunday for a coffee but I'd not got back to her until late in the evening as I'd been unwell and gone to bed. By not getting back to her, I'd proven myself untrustworthy. I was very upset by this revelation and assured her that I'd apologised and that I'd never meant to hurt her and never would. After over three years of friendship and support, I'd hoped that I'd proven myself trustworthy. It appears not.

I'm so hurt that she would so callously and brutally cut me off after such a minor infraction. I understand that she would have been frustrated but after reading my message in the evening to her, I see that I apologised. We also communicated in a very friendly way by text a few days later and there was no indication of an issue.

Given that she's now relocating, I'm incredibly sad that we have finished things on these terms. I genuinely love her as a friend and am just gutted that she's treated me this way.

Not a request for any answers but after struggling with this overnight, I just wanted to get my feelings down.

It's a pretty flimsy reason to cut somebody off.

Either she's Incredibly high maintenance or emotionally detaching from her old life.

Neither of which is your fault by the way.. try not to dwell on it if you are able. I'm sorry you're feeling bad.

It's not you, it's her. Over such a pathetic reason she decided to cut off a good friendship? It's as if she was waiting for you to slip up to prove your 'untrustworthiness'.
I think she has her own insecurity issue, and if this is her choice then so be it. One day she will look back and realize why she doesn't have any close friends if she continues treating people like this.

She's been through quite a bit in her life and some of it perhaps self-inflicted if this is anything to go by!

Your 'betrayal' was another dramatic thread in her rich tapestry of life OP, she probably collects them to brood over later on. Try not to let her cast you in a role you weren't up for. You had made vague plans but they fell through and she could have checked with you but no she waited for you to make contact. And gradually jettisoned you. And only much later, after you again chased her up, did she tell you the reason for coolly shunning you! Charming.

No wonder she's got problems with people.

Yeah.. Not sure it's really a bad thing to be rid, tbh.

Never invest more in a friendship, or in someone else's drama filled life, than they are willing to give to you.

And pay attention when people talk about all the slights and betrayals and so on and so forth that litter their past. If they have some kind of problem with everyone they know, you can be fairly sure that there's actually only the one common variable...

Makes you wonder if the problem with her parents was self-inflicted.

There's plenty more friends out there waiting to meet you!

I think she's using it as a handy excuse to cut everything out of her old life that reminds her of her past.

It sounds like she wants to emigrate to reinvent herself, anyone from her past would have the ability to throw a spanner in the works with her future friends and life by bringing up reminders. Or show them who she really is.

Forget it, you sound lovely and I'd love a friend like you.

Just to echo what everyone else has said - its a convenient and somewhat flimsy way to cut all ties to her old life.

Hard to do, I know, but its time to move on. Remember the good times, and find new friends!

Emigrating to cut off from your family is quite a big thing. She's probably in emotional pain and cutting off from everything from her old life. Unfortunately that means you too. Sometimes people do things that aren't in their best interest when they're hurting. Perhaps make it clear there's a door open should she wish to get in touch again but otherwise there's not much more you can do.

Thank you all - you're very very kind. I'm sitting here in tears as I remember the good times so incredibly fondly and feel so sad at the loss of what had been a lovely friendship. Thank you again - onwards and upwards I suppose!

It sounds very OTT on her behalf. Since she was talking to you quite happily immediately after it happened, I'd probably say that it's just an excuse to get rid of anyone/thing from her 'old' life.

She sounds very selfish, but also like she's had a lot of problems to deal with. I second leaving the door open for her, but I wouldn't put up a fight if I were you. She sounds rather ungrateful. Did she ever support you during the three years, or was it all about her and her problems?

She had been supportive. Work had not been great for either of us and she was helpful and kind too. That's what makes it so hard I suppose, that we were both a rock for the other during tough times.

What made last night so hard was that I was in tears speaking with her, I was so shocked and hurt at what she said. She was just talking very neutrally to me and not betraying the slightest hint of emotion. I pulled myself together and said, "I genuinely hope that COUNTRY NAME is a great move for you and that you and your family are very happy but I will go now." She then said that we shouldn't leave it like this. I countered that she'd left it that way for SIX months (the date of the upset was in February!) without even giving me the opportunity to apologise or to understand how I had upset her.

She hugged me whilst I booed like a baby again and I again said that I had to go. She did, to be very fair, say that part of the issue are her trust issues but reiterated that she needed to trust the people in her life and that I wasn't one of those people.

Not trying to drip feed, it was an emotionally draining conversation and I'm remembering the details as I sit here thinking it through.

What a flimsy reason for breaking off a good friendship, OP. Her loss though.

Enjoy your memories of this friendship but when one friend goes another comes. You have the qualities of a true friend and they will stand you in good stead in the future.

I had something like this. A woman I'd known socially cut me off because I didn't respond to her text message (which I didn't receive until hours later due to transmitter problems). I was hurt at the time, but now think she has issues and I don't actually want people like her in my life.

NellieSpencer it does make me wonder how fragile the relationship was from the other person's side, if such minor things cause them to break from their perspective. It wouldn't have bothered me at all - I understand that 'stuff happens'.

Sorry that happened to you.
Does it make her feel empowered to dump people? Then even the most minor of transgressions (what you described would not register as a transgression in my book) would provide her with justification to do so, according to her distorted way of thinking.

Her "superior" (ie different) understanding of what trustworthiness is would make it difficult to come back to any sort of a relationship with her, imho. Unless, of course, you are good with superficial bright and breezy boundaries.

I had a friend cut me off and never said why. It's very bizarre childish behaviour and eventually after beating myself up for years, I decided that not to be an adult and tell someone, even by text or email, means she's the one with the issues not me.

I really don't think that there's any going back for me, I would forever be on tenterhooks. Thanks again for the perspective and reassurance, I really appreciate it.

I had someone email me and effectively cut me off for no apparent reason - I checked with other people to make sure that my perspective wasn't out of kilter.

Turned out there was something else massive happening to them at the time. Fine, will chat to her in passing because our DS's are friends, but will not engage in anything else. I would be worried in case I did anything else wrong without knowing about it and I don't want to spend my life on egg shells.

You sound like an absolutely lovely person, OP, and a friend anyone would be thrilled to have. You're loyal, stick with someone through thick and thin and are discreet and faithful.
This person sounds a bit odd to me, and callous; just moving on and dumping a loving pal is not good behaviour.

There are loads of people out there would love to have you as their friend.
I suggest you put this behind you. None of it is remotely your fault. Try to forget it and her if you can.

When I read this thread I immediately thought that your friend has been so hurt by her family that she would rather cut people off than deal with it happening again.

She is emigrating to get away from her family. That is quite extreme IMO. I think the incident with you not calling just gave rise to something else inside her.

A great shame for both of you.

she sounds a very hurt person with major trust issues ... and a big lack of a sense of perspective or proportion.

I'm sorry for your hurt, something like this cuts deep.

This isn't about you OP so try not to take it personally

This happened to me and several other friends when one of our friends moved abroad to escape a very traumatic past. She picked fights with most of the people she knew here and cut others off on the flimsiest pretexts. It was hurtful for the people who genuinely cared about her but over time we realised it was her way of detaching and reinventing herself. She did eventually allow one person back in contact with her but no one else made any effort. She hadn't changed and was still quite emotionally demanding. The sad thing was that more bad things had happened to her and she could have done with some old friends for support.

I agree try not to close the door. She may realise one day what she has thrown away but at the minute she is trying to wipe the slate clean because that's what she needs.

High maintenance and up her own arse. There are some odd people out there.
I got cut off a few years back... I was having a little dinner party, fair amount of prep as it was themed for another friend's birthday. Cut Off Friend didn't drive. Would take me 45 mins to collect, round trip. Two people offered her a lift. She turned them both down, then dumped me for not offering her a lift! Didn't even ask me. Of course that was just her excuse. She dumped several others of same group in the same period. So I know it wasn't "me".
Some people just thrive on emotional drama.

I had a friend (not local) whose behaviour/attitude increasingly pissed me off until one day she made (yet another) snide/snippy comment via email, and I thought - enough. I walked around for a while trying to think of how to word my reply, but couldn't find the words, so I just left it - and, apart from one rather odd birthday card a while later, she's never contacted me again. Did I cut her off? Was I playing games? Who knows. It's painful when a friendship you thought was solid, suddenly evaporates - but all you can do is reflect, and move on.

Of course you've done nothing wrong. My guess is that she is quite a disturbed person. I agree absolutely that she is the one with the issues and not you. You have been a good loyal and sympathetic friend and this is how she treats you. Very bad indeed IMHO.