Urgent help for my friend

[boggis]

I’d like some advice for my friend, who is in an emotionally, financially and on one occasion, physically, abusive marriage.

She is from eastern Europe and her husband is from the Middle East but has British citizenship. Their 1 year old son has a British passport. They live in the same apartment block as me and I’ve known him cordially for 10 years, her for about a year and I speak her language (albeit rustily)

I felt for some time she was reaching out more to me, and I’d have her over for dinner, drinks (he’s muslim, she is not) etc.

He has a high paid financial job and works in Europe and comes back to visit once every 3 weeks or so. He has installed his mother in law (no English) in the flat.

She came to me the other day to say he has ordered her back to her country and has bought her a ticket and that he is keeping the son. He said to me a few days before that he was taking a job in the middle east. Putting two and two together I guess he wants her out of the picture and will take the boy there. There has previously been issues with other women (he was Sharia married at the same time as legally marrying my friend) and there is bank statement evidence that he spends 1-2 days in a UK town withdrawing large sums of money before arriving at the flat each time he returns to the UK.

She’s unburdened herself and the highlights are:

He hit her while holding her 1-month old when she said she was leaving. He trashed her room and took away her marriage certificate. He has his room locked and put it there. He and the mother have a key.

He has taken her bank card away, having previously shopped online for food but given her only 100 pounds a month for her. He has now stopped this

He has cut off her internet

He has Skyped her, telling his son she is a bad mother in his language and sent abusive texts.

He has told her she has no rights and will never see her son again.

MIL, who has shown no interest has started taking the boy out for short trips without telling her (like she’s in the shower and found him gone..) It is as if they are preparing the boy (who is very attached to mother) for life without her.

I have had the police over to mine to get her to fill out a report detailed the previous abuse so it is logged. I am taking her to a lawyer (very expensive but will use the free hour) to discuss her options.

Is there anything else I should do? Call Women’s Aid? In a way she shouldn’t have to relinquish the family home but I am worried for her and the son when he comes back next week.

I am also worried he will go mental at me for helping her. I can’t really turn a blind eye to this though.

I am also very aware that I am hearing one side of the story.

she needs to call WA, take her son and go.

nothing less.

if she has any rights to that property, she can put a charge on it so he has to pay her off when he sells it, or it may be that she can get an occupation order (slim chance i'd say)

I think relinquishing the family home is a small price to pay for getting away from an abusive man and avoiding having her DS kidnapped to another country, probably never to be seen again. She sounds like she needs refuge as a priority and then sort out the legal aspects afterwards. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247.

All I would caution is that you cannot do this for her. 'You can lead a horse to water....' etc It's good that she has had the police involved but if she rejects the help - and many abuse victims are so crushed by the experience that they have lost all self-confidence - then there is nothing you can do. If you think the child is in any kind of danger, however, then you can involve Child Protection services.

Thank you. What is an occupation order?

The police came and listened but seemed to downplay it a bit. Asked her if she wanted to patch things up (??) and that every relationship has arguments. That said, they took everything down and gave her the advice lines and were going to send a community officer there today.

OK, I am clear on the occupation order.

I am at work now but will see her later, I shall ask her to call WA now.

Thank you. She is actually quite strong. Sad that the relationship is over and the promises are broken etc but I feel she is disgusted by his behaviour and wants to make the change

Sounds like she needs to act quickly, Boggis. I'm appalled at the actions/words of the police - is there a DV unit you can speak to for her?

I'm with a PP - take the child and present at WA. Don't leave any contact, take whatever papers she can find, and go. The police can get the DH or MIL to hand over passports/birth certs etc.

She does know she will never see her son again if he takes him. ? You are a lovely friend.

thank you. I have advised her to call WA.

I have hers and her sons passports and her Sharia marriage certificate, her bank account details and a photocopy of her civil registry office marriage certificate.

So now he can't take him away. He has said on more than one occasion that he can 'get another son whenever'.

It is hard to know about the level of threat to her son. He could be 'saying' all this to scare her. But there seems to be a ratcheting up of the pressure and demands. His mention of a job in the MidEast (he hadn't told her) to us and this threat to send her away has worried us.

He has a 100k job, a flat he owns, his family here etc. She has nothing

If he finds out I have the passports he will go bananas.

The police that she met could have been regular flat-foots and not the DV unit specialists. Being referred to Community Support Officers is not the right solution but she should still talk to them. However, she'd be well-advised to contact Womens Aid in the meantime both for advice and to get refuge. If her English isn't good you can offer to tell her story, because it sounds as though she isn't getting the seriousness of the behaviour across and that might be a language thing. Use your original post, perhaps, as your script.

"If he finds out I have the passports he will go bananas."

This is why she has to seek refuge immediately and why you have to talk to the DV unit rather than PCSOs. He is already violent and they live in the same home so she is in a very vulnerable position. In addition, violent men are at their most dangerous when they think the game is up and they are going to be exposed or lose their child or whatever. As a third party, you are also at risk. If you call 101 and tell them the situation they can be on alert ready for your call if anything kicks off.

But she has to leave as a priority.

Well done on helping her.
WA should be able to get her out and away safely.
If she feels an immediate threat to her son being taken then she needs to get to the police station. Ask for the DV unit and they will help her as well.
I really hope she manages to get away.

I don't have any helpful advice, but just wanted to say how so very glad I am that she has you helping her in this, despite the fact that it is (very understandably) a rather anxiety-making thing.

You are brilliant, and (on behalf of my late mum, who could have really done with a neighbour like you), thank you. I wish there were more women like you around.

"Is there any way that the husband can apply for another passport? "

My impression of the passport office is that they don't do very much cross-referencing, if any. I think the abduction risk is very serious indeed but the solution is refuge and Social Services involvement rather than solely relying on the absence of a passport

well, that is kind of you to say, but me and my husband feel it is baseline human behaviour to help this person and her little boy, who doesn't deserve to be treated as a commodity or have his mother badmouthed and bullied and hit.

My father was violent and controlling towards my mother but had good points and was also charming. So I guess I have a particular urge to help them.

She is a lovely person, educated and tough and her English is rather good - better that my rusty attempts at her language! She will do ok I am sure.

My other friend and neighbour is a detective and he is aware of the situation - but I will press for his advice.

Yes, they were flat foots who came. they were sent by 101. I will suggest she calls in person at the local police station.

She needs an emergency order to prevent husband or anyone else removing the son to a country not within the Hague convention. WA can probably help her with that. She must contact them and let them know that the police are down playing it.

I am also trying to stress-test the situation in my mind. What if she is positioning to take the child away? What if he hasn't hit her or cut off her money or locked some of her documents away?

However, I have seen his texts and have seen how he is with her and I was initially worried when she said she didn't have enough money for the passport check and send ages back.

Sorry, I'm not wavering. Just musing. At the end of the day she has nothing to gain from making anything up and she can't take the child to her country anyway.

She needs to get away from her MIL. She absolutely needs to get out of the flat before her husband gets home. Can you find out where the nearest refuge is and take her there?

I think you do right to keep stepping back and just checking your perspective, checking the facts. I also think you're a great neighbour.

I have no experience of refuge and I am asking a dumb question but one that nags at me. What if going to a refuge is more inflammatory than not?

Having said that, I am concerned for safety. I think the relationship is dead. My feeling is that he is not going sit down and have a rational discussion about separation because he has zero respect for her and only really likes the idea of a son, can't be arsed with the actual live son, if you get my drift.

Sorry, hearing what you have to say is helping enormously.

It might be inflammatory, I suppose you won't know until it happens. But there are more important factors, such as safety.

Please stop downplaying and disbelieving, for a start.

Sorry to sound harsh, but

• you have proof of his abusive communications
• you have seen that she is a victim of financial abuse
• she has no money or security, it's hardly likely she'd decide to leave her home, assets, everything and take her son away if she didn't consider herself and him in danger.

She needs to:

• get out to a refuge - absolutely seriously.
• see a solicitor, probably best through WA at the refuge, for an emergency order preventing him taking the child out of the country.

Tel her to pack the very essentials and go asap.

Yes I agree. I am not downplaying it and I do believe her.

I am concerned for her safety as the time she says he hit her (holding the son) was over her marriage certificate. So this is the kind of situation that may provoke an attack.

All sorts of people telling me not to get involved and I'm getting this firm in my mind.

I have a fancy pants lawyer's appt today though another neighbour, who has offered to pay any excess. I will talk to her about the refuge on the way back.

Excellent. Sorry OP, reading back my post was not great there. I applaud the action you've taken. And I can see it's natural to try and hold back and 'see both sides' when faced with something like this.

Two women a week are killed by violent partners. She is in danger right now, certainly if he finds out the passports have been removed then she is very likely to be attacked or prevented from leaving the flat.

I very seriously would get her out to that appointment with stuff packed in a bag and out to the refuge.