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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I completely lost it tonight

42 replies

1Cheesedoff · 06/10/2014 00:28

I have been given the silent treatment for months. couldn't take anymore dived at him and grabbed his face. He is now making a song and dance out of this. Making out I am some crazy person and has decided to sleep downstairs. I hate him for making me lose it. I have never had a temper and he has brought out the worse in me. As anyone else been through something similar?

OP posts:

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 06/10/2014 00:45

That is assault. How would you feel if he had grabbed your face? 'Song and dance'

boatsboatsboats · 06/10/2014 00:56

It is assualt, but ignoring someone for months is also abusive.

What else is happening in your relationship? Would you describe it as abusive?

What you are describing is VERY unhealthy.

PurpleSwift · 06/10/2014 00:57

So you're patent has felt they're unable to communicate with you...and so you dived at their face!?

Absolutely the wrong way to go about it, you need to give them some time and apologize. Wait for things to cool off and then explain yourself calmly.

BastardGoDarkly · 06/10/2014 01:02

It sounds like one of you needs to leave. Why did he stop talking to you? Tbh. I'd be making more than a sOng and dance, I'd be packing your bag.

What are you going to do now?

AnyFucker · 06/10/2014 01:23

Sounds like it was over some time ago

Put this non relationship to death now

No more

however · 06/10/2014 02:59

Months of silent treatment? God, I don't blame you for snapping.

Can you leave? Do you have somewhere else to go? Someone to talk to? Kids?

No doubt he's been treating you like rubbish so he comes up smelling like roses. That doesn't matter, you can have a life without him.

GarlicOctopus · 06/10/2014 04:17

I have never had a temper and he has brought out the worse in me. As anyone else been through something similar?

Yup, and I'm not the only one! Get the hell out. I became an abuser, all because of the ways he taunted me. It's not a pleasant thing to know about myself (I'm all different now, but it's a hard road.) Though I guess I deserve some degree of pride in being a fighter - the point is you've got a partner who enjoys making you miserable. This is not good. You won't change him; you need to free yourself.

What do you want to do next?

Isetan · 06/10/2014 05:57

If being with this man is changing you in unpleasant ways then stop exposing yourself to this man - it's time to end it.

Your behaviour is, ultimately your responsibility.

LEMmingaround · 06/10/2014 06:06

His behaviour is far worse than yours. I would have lost it ages ago. His emotional abuse is FAR worse than your "assault". Let him sing and dance himself out of the foor and not come back.

Rebecca2014 · 06/10/2014 06:08

I slapped my husband two days ago, guess what he pushed me to it and since then he had pushed me but he could say I pushed him to it. His leaving next week! it's up to you if you want stay in this unhappy relationship but life too short and he doesn't make you happy.

sandgrown · 06/10/2014 06:28

I once bit DP in a moment of frustration. It was very childish but made me feel better. Don't beat yourself up about it because it was ultimately caused by his behaviour. You just need to decide if you want to be with him. Good Luck x

Teeb · 06/10/2014 06:37

I find these threads can become quite distasteful when it leads to people justifying their assaults.

You are both in an abusive relationship, it should come to an end right now.

busyme23 · 06/10/2014 07:18

Teeb I agree with you!

You were wrong to do what you did and saying he made you lose it is just an excuse. You control your own actions so take responsibility for them.

Sorry to say but if this was a man saying what you have said, I'd tell him the same thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2014 07:22

Lunging at someone and grabbing their face is unacceptable behaviour. Silent treatment for months is unacceptable behaviour. On the strength of that alone, it doesn't sound like a healthy, loving relationship.

Context is everything. What's the backstory? Why were you being given the silent treatment in the first place? How long have you been together? Are you married? Are there DCs? Is the relationship usually bad-tempered, is sulking a common thing, or is this completely out of character?

Hissy · 06/10/2014 07:49

yes 'losing it' was wrong. you know this, that's why you're here.

people who have been where you are will understand what happened.

now is the time to be honest with yourself and admit that the relationship you've been in is well and truly dead and buried.
you are being subjected to abuse of the highest magnitude.

this has driven you to react in a way that is not characteristic of you, and not what you want your life to be.

when in extreme circumstances, extreme things happen.

take responsibility for what you have done, but understand that it's symptomatic of the problem not a cause of it.

draw the line. end this torture.

get legal advice pronto, save as much of your situation as possible, get him out of your life and if you have children work night and day to make sure he doesn't let his poison seep all over them.

we're all aCcused of being crazy, abusive and hated by our abusers. they throw at us what hurts THEM the most. seeing you descend to his level has pleased the abuser you're married to.

time to end this and remove the victim(s) from his clutches. you can, and must do this!

Vivacia · 06/10/2014 07:51

You were wrong to do what you did and saying he made you lose it is just an excuse. You control your own actions so take responsibility for them.

This.

What's your plan now?

Fairenuff · 06/10/2014 07:57

You should apologise.

Then you should leave.

You should say that the relationship has become unhealthy for you and it's time to end it.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 06/10/2014 07:58

Yes. And for everybody calling you out on assault, I hope they never find themselves in such a situation. I did not lash out though, I held it in and used it against myself. I started to self harm.

Please end your relationship, it is not healthy. A relationship is supposed to improve your life, not cause you distress and hurt.

HumblePieMonster · 06/10/2014 08:58

Why are you with this person?

DrSethHazlittMD · 06/10/2014 08:58

Sandgrown: "I once bit DP in a moment of frustration. It was very childish but made me feel better."

Ah, so it was OK to bite him, because it made you feel better? That's all right then. Hopefully when someone starts a thread one day about their husband biting them, you'll come along and say "don't worry about it, he was just being childish but it probably made him feel better". And everyone will agree with you.

OP, what you did was wrong. What your partner has been doing for months is also wrong. But two wrongs don't make a right, I'm afraid. And it's not a game of "well, his abuse was worse than mine". Clearly, you snapped because of his behaviour but you know that is not the right answer.

This relationship is unhealthy, it's been like it for months and you must clearly have been aware of this. You should have left or kicked him out if attempts at being reasonable came to nothing before it got to this stage. But it has. Use this as a wake-up call to get out of this relationship now. I feel fairly certain if you do, you'll find you are unlikely to snap in this way again.

teacherlikesapples · 06/10/2014 10:30

Very disappointed with some of the responses in this thread.

If it was a man who had started this thread- would people still be saying "Don't beat yourself up about it because it was ultimately caused by his behaviour" or her "behaviour is far worse than yours. I would have lost it ages ago"

OP Yes you are in a frustrating & potentially emotionally abusive situation, but your reaction was not justified or appropriate. Remove yourself from the situation & figure out how/if you can resolve things amicably. Staying in the same space doesn't seem to be safe for either of you.

textingdisaster · 06/10/2014 10:42

My h also uses the silent treatment. For weeks and weeks and we are currently at an impasse where we have both retreated behind the barricades as it were. I am totally lost as to what I should do next. So I understand your sadness and frustration OP. I think a lot depends on how you dived at him and grabbed his face. Can you give us more context? Also about your h's silent treatments?

What do you think your next step is going to be?

PeppermintPasty · 06/10/2014 10:46

It sounds like misery to me. You need to get out. It will get worse and probably escalate.

Hissy · 06/10/2014 10:54

textingdisaster You leave him. He is abusing you, with one of the worst forms of psychological abuse that exist.

that is what YOU do next. YOU take control back for your life and your happiness. LET him do the silent treatment in an empty room.

gamerchick · 06/10/2014 10:57

When it gets to that point it's time to end it.

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