Should I be worried about my neighbour's behaviour? Red flags?

[ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties]

This is LONG I am so sorry but I want all the story down...

I live in a block of 4 flats on the 2nd floor. Opposite me on the same floor is my neighbour. Her front door is feet from mine. She's in her mid twenties with one small toddler and she's a single parent.

When DH and I and our 2 DC moved in, she was very pleased and friendly. Great...nice to have a friendly neighbour.

However...she has come on very strong...so while I am happy to have a coffee/chat now and then and for her baby to come in to play with my DC she seems to wait for me to come back from school pick up and then immediately descend on us.

My DC love her baby so it's hard to say no...and as I say she IS friendly and obviously lonely.

But it was becoming daily and too much. She would offer all the time to look after my DC and when she asked about what we were doing for Halloween I told her we had a party invitation...she began to tell my DC that she would do their hair and makeup and "We;ll all go shopping together...me you and your Mum and I'll do this and I'll do that for your costume..."

And it was doing my head in because I like doing that sort of thing and want to do my own children thanks very much! So I told her yesterday when she mentioned it for about the tenth time "I'm doing them myself thanks" and she iimmediately said "No I'll do them better!" and then went into some weird thing with my older dd winking and saying "Oh what's that? You want ME to do it! Oh ok."

Then she always comments on what we're cooking..."Ooh that smelled nice...what you were making for lunch...where's mine?"

BUT ALL THE TIME! Like frigging EVERY time I cook she comments on it and hints for an invitation!

I sound crackers but it feels a bit odd. She also criticizes my garden and once went in and tidied it up...when the next day she came in to sit with me in it, she tried to tell me off about an upturned plant pot! When I shut her up about it she gave me a joking but firm push...so I had to sort of push her back to assert myself in my own bloody garden!

I am aware this all sounds a bit loopy by the way.

What's made me post is her ongoing obsession with her ex and some photos she's sent me. She seems to be labouring under the illusion that she's still in a relationship with him...and she talks about him all the time...how she shouted at him down the street (I have heard her do this) and how she's sent him 30 texts one after another....he' comes to collect the baby and leaves immediately. Never stays the night or even goes into her flat! but she thinks they're in a relationship? Is this some sign of a personality disorder?

This week she has sent me two pictures on What's App. One of a man at the bus stop who is unaware she's snapped him...for no reason other than she thought his shoes were odd (they weren't) and another of our downstairs neighbour...sent this morning as he said goodbye to a visitor and she's written "You've Been Snapped!" beneath it.

Is this a red flag? I feel uneasy? I deleted both images immediately as they felt weird.

It's really tricky given she is so physically close to you. And yes, red flags all over the place. Absolutely no boundaries.

Would it be an idea to say to her that much as you enjoy seeing her and the baby, your DC need to do their homework / need their own space / whatever? Or all have fake illnesses for a while?

Can you block on WhatsApp without the other person knowing?

Delete what's app - say you ran out of room on your phone/ needed reading apps for the kids/ whatever. You can add it again later and just not add her if you need to.

Yes...it's very awkward. It's making me nervous whenever I hear a noise in the hallway! The door is feet from where I am sitting and I feel uneasy.

Little that IS a good idea! I will delete! But then she will see I'm back on it again won't she? And try to add me?

My phone just automatically adds anyone in my contacts list to whatsapp, I dont have to add them nor do i know who has me on theirs. Have i missed something?

Yes - you need to block her. I'm guessing that just makes you invisible to her on Whatsapp.

Distance yourself before she falls out with u over something stupid. From my experience....

What a fruit loop. Agree with others to distance yourself gradually and to talk to her ex or other neighbours about her and see what you can find out.

You need to be a bit thick skinned. She's going to know you're cutting her out , and may try to make a point of it, ask you why etc. Just keep smiling and saying oh I'm just so busy/not feeling well/tired/feeling anti social.

Could you get her surname from mail or do you all have separate mailboxes?

Separate. It's odd really. I feel like she's got something to hide but the best advice has been given here and I feel much more empowered. I was starting to worry a lot about her...planning how I'd react and answer her in certain scenarios which is a fair sign she's been making me feel anxious.

I really feel for you, it's horrible feeling anxious in your own home especially when the source of the anxiety is so close by.

We had a problem with a neighbour with a history of psychiatric and drug issues. One episode in particular really messed with my head.

It is very helpful to take as much control as you can. I wish I had done.

I am going to carry on as I have done. I will avoid and brush off. There is definitely something "off" about her. She's spoken about living in a hostel and about attending some kind of unit in secondary school...I assumed from what she said that she'd been excluded but I try not to judge people on their past.

She has no visible friends at all....she has some kind of support worker come round from time to time I think though it might be a HV I suppose. I am going to try not to think about her or to wonder too much as it's not worth it really. Just her getting in my head.

Personally I'd set a schedule at first... something along the lines of "with DC being at school, we are trying to get them into a more stable routine. Why don't we arrange a playdate for this sunday, 2pm til 3pm"

When you bump into her on the stairs, in the garden etc, just say to her "gotta dash, but are we still on for sunday.... good, see you then!"

And conveniently arrange "oh we are going shopping with my mum at 3pm. Lets do this again soon....."

You then have the upper hand, because things are more under control. You've not (yet!) completely cut her out of your lives, which would make her act even stranger.

She reminds me of a girl I knew when I was at primary school, a very lonely girl with a troubled family life. I played with her one day at school, and the next day she turned up at our house at about 6 in the morning asking if I could come out to play. 30 years later and I still remember it because it was so odd and unsettling to me as a child. A 'normal' child just wouldn't have been out in the street at that time, and would have understood that it wasn't time to play.

I don't think your neighbour sounds sinister or even like she's trying to put herself between you and your kids or husband - but I think she sounds like this child I knew - desperate for attention and unable to moderate her need for it - she wants ALL the attention, NOW. And she doesn't understand boundaries.

My mum told this girl (quite sternly) I couldn't come out. I think you have to do the same - be brave (and it'll be uncomfortable) and keep saying no to her. Come up with some prepared responses beforehand, nothing too specific so that you're not lying. Elaborate fake illnesses etc. are not a good way to go - you need to be free to do what you want, not to feel like you might get caught out if you leave the house. It needs to be the truth, in some form.

"Sorry, after school isn't good for us, we'll have to catch up another day."
"Really busy at the moment etc. etc."
"It's just not a good time for us today..."

If you know in your head what you're going to say, and that you're definitely going to say it, hearing her in the hall will be less stressful.

I also wouldn't block her, you don't want to get into a conversation about why. Just don't respond to weird stuff she sends. If she asks why you don't respond, you can truthfully say that what she sent made you uncomfortable.

Thank you Squitchey I've just popped back to tell people how it's been going. I've taken the advice and been much more clear...and firm. I don't want to completely dump her...she IS a nice girl in many ways...her baby loves my DC and they really love having a bit of a play with her now and then...and the operative phrase is "now and then!"

She began to knock on a daily basis...with the baby as I think she knew that I'd have a hard time refusing to see them if the baby was there looking for my DC...the baby cries in a hearbroken way if she knocks and then I say the DC are doing their homework or whatever so the last time she did it I said that it would be better if she texted me first so that I could tell her if we were busy and then the baby wouldn;t get upset.

She took that on....the other day she texted so I said we would pop round for half an hour...we did....and then while we were there, I got a call...so I went to take it in the shared corridor.

When I came back she said "It's half term next week isn't it?" I said yes and she said "Well I've just told the girls that they can come round one day and I will cook sunday lunch for them"

One: she needs to ASK ME before announcing plans involving my children.

Two: I can cook sunday lunch for my own children and will be doing so; I like having them to myself and DH thank you very much.

So instead of being vague I said "Oh no, that won't work we have plans all week and you need to check with me before telling my children what your ideas for their time are."

It felt rude but really...give her an inch and she takes a mile,

I haven't really seen her since...which I'm not sorry about. I will still be friendly of course but she's bored and lonely and it's not my fault and she can't just borrow my kids to fill her own void!

Oh tell a lie! DH took smallest DD to the park yesterday and they faffed about a lot in the hall with wellies etc...then she appeared with the baby and her coat on and announced "Oh we were just going to the park!"

DH isn't comfortable around her and said "Oh well we're going to the shops/cafe first" and then went to another park.

It sounds full on to avoid her but she's so intense we can almost feel her thinking about us from across the hall! Reading this back, I don't think I will be visiting her with my DC anymore!

You sound like you've managed to handle is really well.

If you don't mind spending time with her occasionally then you could always text her to suggest a specific meet up at a cafe or something in a fortnights time

Wow! This is creepy! I think you and your dh are handling it really well now though.

Ya it IS creepy. I'm pretty intuitive and although it sounds a bit far fetched, sometimes I can almost FEEL her thinking about us or planning to come round and I almost always get it right.

I am, having re-read my thread, going to cut off the whole playing together thing. My DDs don't ask to play over there....they just agree when given the opportunity...so they won't miss it.

I'll stay polite but not get involved.

Ya? What am I saying!

I think she sounds needy and vulnerable. To say that she's creepy is a massive over-dramatization. She sounds harmless but lonely. My guess is that you're not the first person to whom she's done this.

Her behaviour doesn't make her your responsibility, but it does mean that you need to draw some boundaries in a way that is sensitive to her feelings. This is something you've routinely failed to do, which is why it makes it more difficult to correct the situation now. (I am not saying this to blame you, it's something I've done wrong myself on many occasions when I was in my teens and twenties).

The answer isn't to have no contact - she's your neighbour, so that's just not possible! - it's to let her down gently with as little hurt to her feelings as possible, but so that you no longer have her in your space the whole time.

I'd sit her down and say to her that you like her, and appreciate her friendship but that you are someone who also needs some time alone with your own family. Say that you'd prefer it if your meetings were at a regular time, for example once a week after school on a Wednesday, as this will give you something to look forward to during the week - and that a bit of space the rest of the time would be welcome as you have other calls on your time that you're currently neglecting. Tell her she's a lovely person and that you appreciate her generosity/kindness/sweet nature, but that you're just the type that needs a bit more space - and that you don't want to fall out with her over something so silly. Focus on her needs rather than yours, and try to make what will inevitably come over as a let-down as gentle as possible without losing firmness. You may need to do a bit of boosting of her ego to compensate for the message you're going to deliver, but don't waver on the 'once a week, after school, on Wednesday' message.

Then, outside of that time, be breezy and polite with her but KEEP MOVING! ('Hi - hope you're OK, I'm just in a rush! See you after school on Wednesday!') Do not let your body language show hesitation and don't stop to chat unnecessarily.

outofcontrol don't you think it's creepy to take photos of people who aren't aware of it and send them to other people?

Or to go uninvited into someone's garden and tidy it up (it wasn't that bad by the way...normal family garden with a few toys around)

Or to try to undermine a parent's relationship with her children when you really, barely know them?

I think the answer IS no contact other than "Hi" to be frank. She's not able to read boundaries. I know she's my neighbour...so I will see her...I've tried to be gentle but she doesn't "get it". and to be honest I WOULDN'T "prefer my meetings with her were once a week after school"

I don't want to socialise with her at all!

No, I think 'creepy' is a rather immature word that suggests some horror movie tropes that are a bit ridiculous when applied to real life. She doesn't sound like a dangerous lunatic. She sounds like someone who doesn't understand boundaries and who is needy and lonely and needing attention.

What I am saying is that it doesn't sound as though you've done a great job of setting those boundaries in the first place. You should have kept the contact to a place where you were comfortable, and you should have said 'no' - firmly, politely but kindly - a long time ago. You bear some responsibility for the constant calls - if you never turn around and say 'I'm really sorry, I'm busy right now, it's just not a good time', someone who is lonely and needy isn't to know. It's quite possible that she thinks she's been nice in tidying your garden, or doing your daughter's hair - because your reaction has hardly been unequivocally negative.

Now you have to have a conversation with her about overstepping boundaries because none were in place when they should have been. Unfortunately, people who are lonely and needy like her are liable to get angry and hurt when boundaries are asserted when they haven't been previously. You bear at least a small amount of responsibility for this whole awkward situation, and I think you should at least try to be as kind as you can without sacrificing firmness on the matter!

Sorry - don't mean to come over as 'it's your fault' - like I said, I have been in your shoes a few times and had to sort out a problem like this. Every time it has been partly my own fault in setting the relationship up wrongly. It was only when I hit my 30s that I started to get the hang of it.

Maybe she doesn't use FB because she's been blocked. I wonder if she belongs to a church group whose members are ignoring her? Just a thought.