Can't quite tell if this is an "issue"? Sorry, a bit long and complicated...

[ThisIsIffy]

Dh and I now 5 yrs into our second marriages, both with now teen dc from firsts.

I've come to appreciate the fact that although dh has always had v regular contact with his dc (dss now also living 50:50 with us), some level of guilt at the breakdown of his marriage probably accounts for certain levels of "Disney" parenting regardless. I also came to accept the regular 1on1 time he spends with his dc (ds and I don't feel a need to do this ritually, that's why it was new to me).

Dh also told me that he'd once had an affair because his exw would not sleep with him. Huge red flag, I know, but didn't really see it as such when we got together.
I've often called dh out on behaviour I'd call misogyny (lots of groping and wanting sex on tap) but he's always been appalled at the suggestion. Feels he's a new man and all that, and I obviously don't appreciate how great he is, helping with the household etc.

My problem is that dh has now somehow managed to make me feel "cheated on" by using his dd for late night get togethers - even if we've just had sex!
I must sound like some control freak harpy, trying to deny father and daughter time. I don't! I give them loads of room when she visits (at 17 she has a life), we've managed to develop a reasonably warm relationship over the years, although dss and I are closer.
We went to couple counseling because he'd literally put me to bed to spend hours late at night watching tv with dsd when they'd clearly had a lot of daytime, evening possibilities to be alone.
There was a time I actually blamed dsd, awful I know, but I had no idea what dh was playing at. Surely he wouldn't deliberately hurt me?
But apparently he would.
Two nights ago dsd called to visit. Dh and dsd were given loads of time for chat and catching up. The kids stayed up to play Xbox etc.. Dh and I went to bed. It was a special occasion and we took a bottle of wine upstairs....
I'm a lightweight and, as expected, felt terribly sleepy after an hour or so. Dh was suddenly fully clothed again and said he wanted "to read". I slept through.
Next morning, after dsd had left, dh tells me he watched tv for a couple of hours. I didn't ask any questions. I was stunned.
Please don't call me paranoid, or over sensitive or controlling. My gut tells me that dh deliberately undermines my confidence when I'm most vulnerable. I feel violated. i was raped once by my first husband. Told the police and nothing of course was done. I'm not really sure that dh2 is any better, even if he tells me so.

Sorry, I don't understand what you were saying happened that night.

Your husband does sound very manipulative and I have to say I don't like the sound of him.

What happened that night?

I'm also confused about the issue? You fell asleep and he went to watch telly with his daughter?

Oh dear, it sounds like this has really hurt you. I can't tell from your post if this is one of many issues or the main thing that is making you call into question your marriage.

I just wanted to offer a different perspective. When I visit my parents, and when I was younger too, I would really often sit and chat or watch a film way into the early hours with my dad. Mum would often go to bed earlier. I know my dad loves my mum and our close relationship isn't to undermine or limit his with my mum.

Do you think you would feel differently if it was both of your children? Would it be possible to make some nights your nights only and have very clear expectations about theses nights but allow DH to sit up late with his children at our times? Or, Is this actually the tip of the iceberg and other issues are upsetting you?

So sorry you're feeling low.

Hmm, not sure.

My take on it was:
You were upstairs with wine, drank it, had sex got sleepy, slept. Before falling asleep, DH gets dressed and tells you he wants to read (because he is not tired, I assume), goes downstairs, finds his DD there and watches tv with her for a bit before coming back to join you in bed. Did i get that right? If so, i don't see a problem. If i missed something, maybe there is a problem.

I have no idea what you mean about last night?
I think the sending you to bed so he can have 1:1 time with kids is disrespectful and weird.
How is he undermining your confidence, not saying he's not, just not clear.

He's gropey and makes the OP feel that he's entitled to have sex on tap. Then, straight after they've finished, rather than enjoying a cuddle and falling to sleep together he suddenly has better things to do.

That wouldn't be doing my confidence any good either.

Dunno about the staying up late with his daughter. I'm not sure how to interpret that but it sounds like he wants you out of the way. For what, I can't say. It all sounds very odd

Sorry to sound so confusing. Obviously it's not a crime to sit and watch tv with your kids. It's more the intent?
Some of you seemed to have a better take on this than I do, and ive been feeling really dizzy reading your views.
What has set me really on edge is the manipulation involved.
That's the real problem. Dh has often pointed out to me how "legally evil" his exw was, fleecing him after the divorce, keeping him on his toes re contact, etc.
Turns out I feel dh is doing the same to me! It's so so difficult to put my finger on it, I just know that he's trying to put me down and make me look really mad for speaking out, after all he's not meeting up with a prostitute after we have sex, he's arranged a night in with his kid!
And the threat of course is now there, either I shut up and put out whenever, or I'll be as bad as the exw and he will be forced to seek solace elsewhere. I can't help feeling that these late nights are supposed to make it clear to me that I have no emotional hold over him?? In what twisted universe does that even enter the equation?

I can tell you're struggling to explain what you're feeling. It's clearly making you very upset, but it's quite difficult to understand what the issue is.

The feeling that you have to provide sex to keep him happy is not a good one at all That and a few other points make him sound like there is definitely something going on.

I'm having difficulty understanding the issue with him getting up and spending time with his DC (and I'm sorry to say that as I can see it is something that upsets you). Is it that you think he should stay in bed with you after you've had a sex? Is it that you feel he spends too much time with his DC?

OK, it makes a little more sense if you feel like you are having to please him because there is the unwritten rule that if you don't he will be seeking satisfaction elsewhere - but that has nothing to do with the kids, its just nasty on its own.

If you are feeling like emotionally he is not connecting with you, but instead using you for sex, and getting the emotional connection and quality time with his children (and especially his daughter) then that is also an issue, but might and i do mean might, not be something he is doing to punish you or control you. It could be he still has guilt about the split, and so it going overboard with the attention to his daughter, and has started to take you for granted (but not intentionally seeking to hurt you). It could be because you are drifting apart emotionally and he is seeing his daughter more than he would because he feels something is missing. Who knows unless you ask him? Only you know him though, and if you feel it is something he is doing to hurt you then there is no need to ask him.

Thank you so much for all the helpful replies.
I've been trying not to see him as some weird kind of psycho who enjoys seeing me squirm, but I suppose it's really difficult if you're in the thick of it.
Thank you especially for the last two views. Dh is probably not trying to gaslight me, but being a complete prat instead.
I love my child too, but I'd never seek an adolescent out for quality adult time, I'd want to share with a peer, a proper companion, not one whos dependent on me.
Im so grateful for being able to gather objective views here, I realize now dh and I will still need to seriously work on the quality of our relationship, I don't think I could bear sharing my life with someone who only wanted me for sex, and then discards me for quality emotional time with someone else. It doesn't matter if it's a pretty young colleague or your kids. If it's not your partner you want to engage with, then it's not really a partnership, is it?
I'll sleep a lot better now, thanks again

That makes so much more sense. Yes, if you feel like he isn't using you for emotional support then that is not a healthy place to be.

The only thing I would say is that to me - and I'll admit I don't have DC that age yet so I'm surely not in a position to judge - but is it that wrong that he wants to spend time with his children? If they don't live with you, is it wrong that he wants to spend quality time with his children?

How is he trying to make you 'squirm'?

I also think you need to tell us exactly what you fear is going on here as it is not clear enough to be able to tell if there is an issue or not.

Are you saying he deliberately tries to get you out of the way and uses sex to do that? If so, why do you think he is doing that?

From what you say he is enjoying watching the television with his daughter late at night. That used to be quality time for me and my father as we both enjoyed the same late night comedy programmes while my mother liked to go to bed early. No issue for anyone.

My DP watches TV with his mum when his dad goes to bed if we're there. Sometimes I go to bed, he'll come and make sure I'm okay and settled, and then go down to watch TV with his mum until the early hours. They talk and enjoy the time together. Sometimes I stay down too, but more often than not I don't.

I don't think it would be especially healthy to rely on one person entirely for all of your emotional needs, and I'm not sure you'd fulfil the same needs as a parent/child relationship.

Is this specifically about his daughter feeling like a threat, or is it an insecurity about him that would flourish regardless of who he spent time with?

OP, I think you are trying to describe something so subtle it's almost impossible to put into words, am I right? You don't sound unhinged. My advice would be to sort of detach a bit. I'm not saying this because you are wrong to feel the way you do, you are probably right to feel the way you do but if you think he is doing things to make you squirm you must, for your own sanity, detach slightly and be seen to very much have your own things going on IYSWIM. This will give you a little more gravitas personally is the only way I can describe it. I get the impression you are feeling a bit like a doormat and are being marginalised. If you don't dance to his tune every single time despite what he says, you will feel better about yourself. It's hard to explain what I mean but fight the being marginalised in small subtle ways yourself.

Apart from this behaviour you have mentioned in your OP and subsequent posts, is he otherwise a good husband or is there other stuff going on that makes you feel unhappy?

Are you afraid he's using you for sex then immediately turning to the woman he really loves, his daughter?

Dinnae, that sounds about right (had a long answer but it disappeared).
I will try to detach and regain a little dignity. Unfortunately dh has form for making me feel small, I've often thought he feels threatened by me (smart, independent, own money, and I'm taller than him...).
Can't say if he really only truly loves his daughter and only uses me for sex, provide a home etc.
We could have a great life, lots of common interests. His dc like me a lot too. Wasn't easy.

So...am I right in thinking there are other issues? If you say you don't know if he only truly loves his daughter and may only be using you to provide a home and for convenient sex etc. that sounds like you are not confident that he loves you as much as you would like and you are in an emotionally unstable place.

Detaching, whilst I definitely think you should, will escalate his subtle abuse of you This.

OP I think if you & your husband had great relationship, getting up to spend time with his kid when you'd fallen asleep wouldn't be an issue.

The real issues for me here are the 'misogyny', the 'groping', the 'wanting sex on tap', the undermining, the feeling 'threatened' by you..

What do you think would happen if you joined them in the tv watching? I think perhaps you are trying to give them space, he is trying to please everyone but as the boundaries are all a bit subjective and not discussed you feel left out. I can't see how this is manipulative unless he has made it clear you are not welcome to join them. If he has, I would be upset at him going from an intimate place with you to one you're not welcome. If it is you that has put the boundary up to give space then I think you can just join them or at least talk about it.

I think my always taking the high road, giving him the benefit of the doubt, etc, has lead me into a situation where my feelings, my opinions don't actually count anymore, or asking myself if they ever did.
Dh can be very sweet and supportive, but I suppose if I look back over our relationship, only if the support didn't cause him to lose out in any way, or inconvenience him.
The only way I can describe dh adequately is to compare him to a spoiled child, loving and kind as long as everything goes his way, obnoxious and mean spirited if it doesn't.
Also the roles dd and I play in his life seems to reflect this. I'm the giving one, like mummy, who is loved but not really appreciated or respected. Dd is more his wavelength, cool and interesting, and, God help us, sexy.
It must be great being dh, having his every whim taken care of. He also gets in a tizzy when dd "stands him up" and decides she wants to go out with friends rather than keep,him company and watch some dvd late at night. I can't tell any more if this is done to tease him and keep him on his toes, of if she's getting sick of their date nights. It's very confusing, and I'm not sure I care any more.
Worst case scenario, dh married me under false pretenses, feigning love when all he really wanted was a comfortable home to spend quality time with his kids, ds and I can then take a hike. It's been 5 years. I just see things getting worse.

Runner, weve discussed boundaries very clearly and also with a couple counseler. Dh does not want to hear. I apparently have no voice in this at all.

It sounds to me like you are jealous of his daughter and it is eating away at you. Sorry.

Unless you are suggesting that you have concerns over how close their relationship is, which I'm not sure that you are.