Can't quite tell if this is an "issue"? Sorry, a bit long and complicated...

[ThisIsIffy]

Dh and I now 5 yrs into our second marriages, both with now teen dc from firsts.

I've come to appreciate the fact that although dh has always had v regular contact with his dc (dss now also living 50:50 with us), some level of guilt at the breakdown of his marriage probably accounts for certain levels of "Disney" parenting regardless. I also came to accept the regular 1on1 time he spends with his dc (ds and I don't feel a need to do this ritually, that's why it was new to me).

Dh also told me that he'd once had an affair because his exw would not sleep with him. Huge red flag, I know, but didn't really see it as such when we got together.
I've often called dh out on behaviour I'd call misogyny (lots of groping and wanting sex on tap) but he's always been appalled at the suggestion. Feels he's a new man and all that, and I obviously don't appreciate how great he is, helping with the household etc.

My problem is that dh has now somehow managed to make me feel "cheated on" by using his dd for late night get togethers - even if we've just had sex!
I must sound like some control freak harpy, trying to deny father and daughter time. I don't! I give them loads of room when she visits (at 17 she has a life), we've managed to develop a reasonably warm relationship over the years, although dss and I are closer.
We went to couple counseling because he'd literally put me to bed to spend hours late at night watching tv with dsd when they'd clearly had a lot of daytime, evening possibilities to be alone.
There was a time I actually blamed dsd, awful I know, but I had no idea what dh was playing at. Surely he wouldn't deliberately hurt me?
But apparently he would.
Two nights ago dsd called to visit. Dh and dsd were given loads of time for chat and catching up. The kids stayed up to play Xbox etc.. Dh and I went to bed. It was a special occasion and we took a bottle of wine upstairs....
I'm a lightweight and, as expected, felt terribly sleepy after an hour or so. Dh was suddenly fully clothed again and said he wanted "to read". I slept through.
Next morning, after dsd had left, dh tells me he watched tv for a couple of hours. I didn't ask any questions. I was stunned.
Please don't call me paranoid, or over sensitive or controlling. My gut tells me that dh deliberately undermines my confidence when I'm most vulnerable. I feel violated. i was raped once by my first husband. Told the police and nothing of course was done. I'm not really sure that dh2 is any better, even if he tells me so.

OP I am a bit perturbed by the way you describe his relationship with his daughter...sexy, dates etc seem off words to use. Is that what the issue is for you? I agree with Titting, you do sound jealous

Are you implying that there is a sexual element to the relationship between your husband and his daughter?

I'm also concerned. I don't mean to belittle your concerns about your relationship but your use of words like 'sexy' and 'date night' to describe a fathers relationship with his daughter is rather worrying.

It sounds - and I'm sorry to say this so bluntly - like you are jealous of his daughter in an almost sexual way.

I think what the OP may be saying is that he has the kind of relationship with the daughter that would be expected from a partner, and she is relegated to the role of housekeeper.

She feels that the daughter is the main event in her partner's life, and he is not interested in her, her feelings or her opinions. From what she says he doesn't seem to respect her. And she fears he married her to provide a comfortable environment for him and his kids.

If the OP is left feeling left out and a bit jealous, then it's surely partly down to the dynamic created by her partner.

I think if she felt respected and loved, there wouldn't be an issue.

I understand that you are left wanting in some parts of your relationship but I think you are concentrating on the wrong things (mainly his daughter).

I can't see how you would think he is using his daughter to complete his relationship needs. Relationships between partners and children are completely different and not interchangeable.

Obviously you are looking for answers but I think you are going to cause harm to yourself, DH and DSD if you continue with this line of thinking.

Surely you see it as a positive trait that DH sees his relationship with his children as so important. It's completely understandable that he would want quality time together and I agree with others who say you found jealous. Terribly so-your use of language surrounding her is very unsettling and unhealthy.

The misogyny of course is a different matter and may underline all of this but I think you should stop seeing your DSD as a threat for simply doing normal things with her father.

Could it be that he initiates sex so that the two of you are connected emotionally as he feels he has to share himself between you? It's likely he's sensed your jealousy.

OP, if it's not out of order of me to ask, have you posted about your DH and DSD's relationship before?

It sounds horrible :(

CarryOnDancing, it's because the OP is thinking that her husband is using his daughter to complete his relationship needs that she is posting.

Nobody would mind their husband watching TV with his daughter - who would? Of course the OP will see that as important. She seems to feel, though, that his adult relationship in the house is with his daughter and not only that, that is something that her husband and his daughter play on. It sounds incredibly unhealthy.

I'm afraid I've just ended it with dh, although granted it's going to take a while to sort out through this mess. As he's actually away on business, hopefully the dust will have settled and he will have got over the shock.
All your opinions hit the mark, jealousy and all.
I'm afraid I couldn't take it anymore that dsd was in the place I wanted to be with him. I'd look at friends and family and their relationship with their wives and kids.
Im afraid nobody, not even cheating husbands I know of, ever placed their own offspring in the emotional companion mode, only ever another adult was given that role.
And yes, sick as it sounds, dh always complemented dsd on her cool looks. I always felt mortified but chided myself for being "jealous" and said nothing.
If I'm to be left with any self worth at all im going to have to remain a lp. I was quite good at it for 8 years, don't know why I thought I needed another husband.
Thanks for all your concern, I suppose I knew what was going to happen. I guess I wanted somebody to tell me to LTB!
Sorry if ever sounded like I blamed dsd, I know that's how her parents raised her to be. She's the one who has to carry her dad. And he won't let go. I'm done with him.
Wish I'd ended it years ago when I first felt he only intended to use me.
I'm afraid I don't have the energy to ponder how deeply dh feels about his dd, but I'm going to go with my gut feeling. I told our counseler for over a year that he has an unnatural obsession with her. Not her fault at all. But I couldnt get him to like me in an adult way instead, and sex isn't enough.
I've read so many threads here dealing with errant husbands and it's always been obvious how horrible they were treating their spouses. I realized how horrible my own situation has been. And it's staggering how paralyzed you become when you know you need to act, but somehow too embarrassed to admit it?

Just read this thread OP, and think your Dh's attitude towards women, i.e the misogyny you mention will be connected to the strange relationship he has with his dd. Not saying there is anything untoward going on, but he is not really treating her like a daughter, more as another way to boost his ego. In some (misogynist) mens eyes a woman's role is to make them feel good. This will apply to mother, wife, daughter, colleague, waitress etc etc If your dh has these beliefs then he will not be concerned about how it makes you feel when he leaves you alone in bed to hang out with his daughter. In fact he might quite like it if you feel jealous (proves how important he is!). If he is like this your gut feelings have to be listened to.
I hope the separation can be handled amicably but from what you've said about him I have a feeling you are going to have to be very strong, he might find it hard to believe you want to leave such a wonderful man.
Definitely sounds like you have had enough, anyway - and I will say it... LTB! (even though you have already decided to) Hope that helps a bit.

It sounds like his daughter's the Madonna on a pedestal and all other women are in the gutter. Some men do idealise their daughters and have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with them, he's certainly not unique in that respect.

I'm delighted to hear you've binned him OP. When I read your first post, I got to 'affair', 'misogyny' and 'groping' and I'd have been gone in your shoes.

It's definitely the right choice. I hope you don't end up paying too much out to him in the settlement.

I think you've done the right thing, OP. You must be feeling awful right now but you will feel better soon. How will your son react, do you think?

You've done the right thing. Now you just need to get sorted!

What did he say?

Sounds like the plot of 'Bouquet Of Barbed Wire' to me OP. You are well rid. Something happened recently that made me realise my DH put me ahead of his kids in a very 'adult' situation that was occurring here and that is how it should be. You deserve to have someone treat you well and as an equal. You are obviously a savvy sorted type that has had your chain tugged once too often. Good luck.

^I can't see how you would think he is using his daughter to complete his relationship needs. Relationships between partners and children are completely different and not interchangeable.^

I think this is really naive. People can and do use their children to fulfil their own emotional (and relationship) needs. It's not right but it happens all the time.

Anyway it sounds as if you've made a necessary and important decision here OP. Well done and good luck.

Thanks so much for all the support.
This is going to be really really difficult, but i only feel bad for ds. But then again I think ds at 16 has his stepdad well sussed out. Thankfully ds has built a good relationship with his dad this past year.
I'm not even crying. I've cried too much and given this relationship too much headspace (mostly thinking, "is this really happening, surely not?").
Dh seems stunned atm.
Have to get my head around the fact I'm no longer responsible for his happiness (actually tried to convince me he was autistic!!! Therefore the lack of empathy...Good grief. )
I'm not as heroic as other women who call it a day though. I'm financially not dependent on him (another thing he resented).
Thank you all so so much.

Hi OP.
I don't think it's the watching tv with dsd that's the problem (though it can be kind of annoying when nrp dad decides that watching literally hours and hours of TV is a good bonding activity - I hate endless TV and they all look miserable watching it).
I think your relationship is in a bad place and whatever he did, bar taking you out to dinner and listening to you etc., is going to feel bad. Ultimately my instinct is that he doesn't love you in the right way. Sorry for your situation. I think you should leave. It does sound like his ex wife was justified in her grievances.

Oops I hadn't read the full thread but see now that you have decided to leave. I think that's a positive decision OP. Some men are just no good. It's not your fault.