Lost

[Lotsasmiley]

Ok, I'm new here and this is really the first time I have reached out for some advice. I need it... I will try to cut to the chase and make this message as short as possible. Sorry.
I have been married for 5 years, two beautiful children 2 and 6.
Our marriage has been on the rocks for some time. My husband has never been able to keep a job, is addicted to video games and will put his martial art sport before anything and anyone. I have been picking up the pieces for years. I eventually had enough at the end of last year and told him to leave. I was working full time as a teacher, kids were either at school or day care and he was at home all day playing computer games. I would drop kids off, go to work, come home and he would most of the time not even have dinner cooked. Then he would just leave to go to training and I would have to cook and get the kids ready for bed. I would constantly tell him that our marriage was going to fail because he made no effort to spend quality time with me at all. He believed you shouldnt have to put effort into a relationship. His addiction to technology got so bad that we couldnt even have dinner without him looking at his mobile phone. I got so sick of it, I asked him to wake up, get help or leave. He left...
A week and a half later he went on a date with another woman. On this night I lent him my car (He crashed both of his) for 'work'. Our daughter split her head open that night and I rang him to bring the car home so I could take her to the hospital. He refused. I later found out he was on a date...
He got in to a full relationship with this woman and she caused hell for both me and the kids. Telling him how bad of a wife and mother I am etc etc. A lot happened over the next three months but he asked to come home. He told me he realised how stupid he was and wanted to work on the family. I beleived him.
I had the other woman on my doorstep at all hours of the night and she even stalked him when I wasnt home. Text messages were constantly sent to him telling how stupid he was to be in a 'loveless' marriage that he know would never work etc etc.
My husband agreed he has been depressed for quite some time and we moved cities. I quit a very good job and ripped my daughter out of school for him to move to a place he could work doing something he loved. His sport...
I got an even better job too but I am away from my entire support network.
One month after shifting, I found out my husband was having an affair with the same woman. This went on for three months before we left. While I was at work, when he finished training, when he apparently went just up the shop etc etc, he was seeing her. I only found out because he sent her a text to end it with her and she snapped. I found out they both planned for him to come back to his family until he payed off his debts and that she moved to the city we moved to as well. My husband was apparently going to move us here and then leave with her.
He told me he didn't love me and hadn't loved me for a long time. He told me he couldn't handle seeing me with another man but couldn't stop thinking about her.
I was so furious I asked him to leave. He said he ended it and never intended to leave but it just spiraled out of control. I had to make the police kick him out of my home (I made sure I only put my name on the lease) He tried to make me feel bad because he had nowhere to go. I later found out the homewrecker paid for his flights back to our old city and they drove back together.
A few days later I come home to find him on my doorstep in tears. He said he realised he was wrong, that the grass is not greener and seeing her just felt wrong. He begged to come home. Telling me he doesnt see the point in living if I didnt take him back. I took him back.
He has found a job, helps with the kids everyday and plays less games... but still plays some. He has given me his phone and email access but I still don't trust him.
He tells me he still doesn't love me but says it is because of all the problems we had. Which to me just doesn't make sense. I still love him despite what he's done. He wants to do counceling and fix what went wrong.
I know he is trying but it kills me inside to know that he approches me to hug or kiss me but doesn't love me. I just don't understand.
I don't want our marriage to end but I just don't know how anyone can get past an affair.
He constantly reminds me that it wasnt just him that broke our marriage, that I said and did a lot of bad things too, but I am a firm believer that no one is responsible for your choices but you.
I never wanted to end up divorced and I am so scared for my kids. I am a teacher and have seen first hand the devistation break ups do to children, but at the same time, I know I deserve better. I don't know whether to believe him or not. To be quite honest, I read this and I think to myself, What on earth am I thinking.....

I'm reading it, thinking "What on earth is she thinking," too!

I was a teacher for many years and found just as many children who had awful backgrounds where both parents were present. In fact, I think a background like the one you presented earlier, where he was on video games all day and playing his sport all night, to the absolute and utter detriment of the family, is far more devastating to a family than if he just wasn't there at all.

Think of the lessons taught to your children as they came home from a day at school, where they're encouraged to work hard, to see their father doing sod all.

In every single way your husband is in the wrong. If you have yelled at him occasionally, that is nothing compared to what a lot of women would have done. He's a cheat, he's lazy, he's deceitful, he's selfish and he somehow has you running around in circles trying to save a marriage with him as the centrepiece. Why? WHY?

Can't you see that life without this dead weight would be better? Can't you see that the idiot he's hanging out with is going to do her best to make your life a misery whether he stays with you or leaves you?

OP, you need a good shake!!!

He sounds like an overgrown spoilt kid. Keep your distance.

What on earth do you get out of this relationship?

Your right. I get nothing. I just seen how deverstated my kids where when he wasn't around the first time and the thought of putting them through that again kills me. Reading what I wrote, I know I'm stupid. I just hold the hope that through counceling we can work it out. At the same time, I cry myself to sleep every night because I sleep beside someone who has told me he doesn't love me.
He tries to tell me that he can't love me because I won't let him get close to me. But why would I?!

He's playing you like a fiddle, isn't he?

He was so lazy that it would be impossible for you to want to be close to him - you must have felt fury and frustration rather than longing for him.

Then he cheated on you - the surest way of putting someone off wanting to sleep with him.

Now he's back and telling you he doesn't love you because you don't want to be close.

What a bastard. He has caused this and now he's blaming you!

Maybe your children were devastated by how the separation took place. Was there a lot of shouting and crying? If you're calm and collected and just say, "Dad's going to live elsewhere now but you'll see him whenever you want" - no tears, no yelling, then they will be fine.

Yes, he is playing me. I keep making excuses for him though.

He had a VERY bad upbringing. His parents left him with neighbours while they lived and worked overseas for like 2 years. He was abused, bad! His father pulled him out of school when he wanted to learn and made him work but took all the money off him. He seen his father cheat on his mum and when he spoke up, he would get bashed. He grew up in a country where he didn't know the language and got bulied constantly. He has no idea how to celebrate special occasions and he has no idea what communication is or what a normal family should do to stay connected.

I give him a lot of consideration because of this. But I'm getting hurt because of it.

Phew, I read it all.

You've been more than patient with this man. You've given him every chance to succeed as a husband and father. You've taken him back again and again.

And what do you get in return? Emotional abuse. 'I don't love you, but I'll live with you, I don't want to see you with another man, you can provide your salary, domestic services and even sex, but don't forget, I don't love you.' I had similar from my then-husband.

Do you know the word 'cocklodger'? And the phrase 'man-child'? Yes you do.

Some more words for you. Survival. Self respect. Future. Happiness. Example.

Give genuine consideration to saying goodbye to the loser for good. And when you've considered it, act upon it. It will be painful. Two years from now you'll be feeling a whole lot better.

What a lot of hard work! You lived like this for how long? Surely you must realize you deserve better than playing all these games? All this back and forth business can't be good for the kids.
You know you deserve better! And yes, your trust is gone, for a good reason. That will be next to impossible to get back. And he won't change. He is a bonafide Man-Child.

Thank you Humble. I needed to hear that. I knew marriage was going to be difficult, but not this difficult. For some reason I just thought that everyone went through these types of things before they learned to live in peace. Perhaps not.

I can file for divorce on the 11th of next month and I have been really consdering doing it. I tried so hard to get him back in the beginning but after him cheating, I don't think I can get over it.

I worry excessively about my kids. How will they cope? Will it effect their learning? Will they grow up to be depressed and anxious? (Like I am and seem to be more since being together with him)

It really frightens me. Is anyone truely happy in relationships these days? All my family divorced. Mum married three times and soon will separate again, my 4 sisters and most of my Aunts and Uncles. I just put it down to them not fighting hard enough to keep the family together and I didn't want to be like that... Will I find someone who truely cares about me or are men like that just non existant? Seems hopeless really.

Is it because you'd feel like you're abandoning someone with problems that stops you splitting?
If you stayed together, you'll be choosing the option of being a permanent full time counsellor for someone who's never going to change.

Yes Startin, I feel like I just have a teenager in the house. Video games, no job and just training, training, training. He is never happy with ANYTHING and can not keep focus on a path he chooses. It's exhausting!

I never thought of that Neil. But you are so right. We met over seas and I brought him to my country. I feel responsible for him. I want to help him, he has been depressed for a long time. But I am just getting over it.
Your right. I feel sorry for him. :(

I'm surprised you have time to deal with him and all his monsense if you're a full time teacher.

Kick him out and get on with living the life you deserve x

You can't live your life thinking, "but what will he do if I just cut him adrift? "
I know if you kick him out that you're going to be seen as the villain in your kids eyes but they're too young to understand the bigger picture. Letting them grow up thinking his behaviour is acceptable will give them a skewed and warped view of what a relationship should be like. It then becomes a cycle.

It is a clear case of shut up if you are putting up with this crap. You will get the same as you have always got as you have told him he can fuck other women behind your back, abandon a seriously injured child, etc etc and yet you will still take him back.

Thanks Itsfab, this is EXACTLY the reason people don't reach out for help... People like you just tell them to 'shut up' because you're doing it to yourself.

I did not sign up and pour my god damn hear out to be told that I should just to 'shut up'!!!

Thank you everyone else for your kind words and advice. It's helped a lot and I will sleep better tonight.

I'm out!

Itsfab Can you not see the dilemma she's in?
She wants a good life for herself and kids but is in turmoil, knowing that to achieve that, she'll have the guilt of ending her marriage, depriving her kids of a dad (however useless he is) and fearing that he won't cope.
It's not an easy situation for her.

Op, if you cut this loser out I guarantee he will have another meal ticket by the end of the month

Set yourself free from this millstone you have tied around your neck

Don't throw any more years down the sinkhole that is him

Your kids deserve better

You have heard the term "cocklodger" yes ?

That's him that is

Just in case you're not out, I think you might have interpretted itsfab's post more harshly than intended.

I read it as her reflecting back to you how your husband regards you, not telling you that's how you are iyswim.

Oh and your children will be fine. Mine were. In fact, they're a lot happier than they were when living in an unhappy household.

Seriously, this bloke is being an arseand at the moment he thinks he can do what he likes and you'll just take it.

You need to change this. You deserve a happy life!

A teacher who can't spell or punctuate? Hmm...

You're not responsible for this ludicrous excuse for a man, you can't change him, feeling sorry for him is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that has never worked.

I imagine her last post was done in temper and frustration.

Thanks.

Twinkles, I teach Japanese and I'm VERY good at it.

Oh, and trying to type on a mobile is not exactly easy. If I knew this was a place where I would be judged on my spelling and punctuation I would have proof read my entries. Unfortunately, I was just more concerned about getting my feelings and thoughts out to be discussed.

Gosh, what is this place?

To everyone else, thank you for your support. It is very much appreciated.

I don't do there there when it isn't what is needed.

Life can be shit with little control but when you are making the same stupid decisions and are surprised you are getting the same response then harsh reality is needed.

I have been on the end of many many comments that were so hard to take at the time but they were all given with help in mind and were the right things to say even if hard to hear.

Why are you getting annoyed with me? Is it because you know I am right or because you don't want to get cross with the person who is treating you like shit when it is easier to throw a strop at someone who is actually trying to make you see you are worth something and deserves more.

It's not a school luckily, but if you're actually Japanese you're off the hook.

Either way, I do hope you manage to get shot of this man, because you could do so much better.