Ok, I'm new here and this is really the first time I have reached out for some advice. I need it... I will try to cut to the chase and make this message as short as possible. Sorry.
I have been married for 5 years, two beautiful children 2 and 6.
Our marriage has been on the rocks for some time. My husband has never been able to keep a job, is addicted to video games and will put his martial art sport before anything and anyone. I have been picking up the pieces for years. I eventually had enough at the end of last year and told him to leave. I was working full time as a teacher, kids were either at school or day care and he was at home all day playing computer games. I would drop kids off, go to work, come home and he would most of the time not even have dinner cooked. Then he would just leave to go to training and I would have to cook and get the kids ready for bed. I would constantly tell him that our marriage was going to fail because he made no effort to spend quality time with me at all. He believed you shouldnt have to put effort into a relationship. His addiction to technology got so bad that we couldnt even have dinner without him looking at his mobile phone. I got so sick of it, I asked him to wake up, get help or leave. He left...
A week and a half later he went on a date with another woman. On this night I lent him my car (He crashed both of his) for 'work'. Our daughter split her head open that night and I rang him to bring the car home so I could take her to the hospital. He refused. I later found out he was on a date...
He got in to a full relationship with this woman and she caused hell for both me and the kids. Telling him how bad of a wife and mother I am etc etc. A lot happened over the next three months but he asked to come home. He told me he realised how stupid he was and wanted to work on the family. I beleived him.
I had the other woman on my doorstep at all hours of the night and she even stalked him when I wasnt home. Text messages were constantly sent to him telling how stupid he was to be in a 'loveless' marriage that he know would never work etc etc.
My husband agreed he has been depressed for quite some time and we moved cities. I quit a very good job and ripped my daughter out of school for him to move to a place he could work doing something he loved. His sport...
I got an even better job too but I am away from my entire support network.
One month after shifting, I found out my husband was having an affair with the same woman. This went on for three months before we left. While I was at work, when he finished training, when he apparently went just up the shop etc etc, he was seeing her. I only found out because he sent her a text to end it with her and she snapped. I found out they both planned for him to come back to his family until he payed off his debts and that she moved to the city we moved to as well. My husband was apparently going to move us here and then leave with her.
He told me he didn't love me and hadn't loved me for a long time. He told me he couldn't handle seeing me with another man but couldn't stop thinking about her.
I was so furious I asked him to leave. He said he ended it and never intended to leave but it just spiraled out of control. I had to make the police kick him out of my home (I made sure I only put my name on the lease) He tried to make me feel bad because he had nowhere to go. I later found out the homewrecker paid for his flights back to our old city and they drove back together.
A few days later I come home to find him on my doorstep in tears. He said he realised he was wrong, that the grass is not greener and seeing her just felt wrong. He begged to come home. Telling me he doesnt see the point in living if I didnt take him back. I took him back.
He has found a job, helps with the kids everyday and plays less games... but still plays some. He has given me his phone and email access but I still don't trust him.
He tells me he still doesn't love me but says it is because of all the problems we had. Which to me just doesn't make sense. I still love him despite what he's done. He wants to do counceling and fix what went wrong.
I know he is trying but it kills me inside to know that he approches me to hug or kiss me but doesn't love me. I just don't understand.
I don't want our marriage to end but I just don't know how anyone can get past an affair.
He constantly reminds me that it wasnt just him that broke our marriage, that I said and did a lot of bad things too, but I am a firm believer that no one is responsible for your choices but you.
I never wanted to end up divorced and I am so scared for my kids. I am a teacher and have seen first hand the devistation break ups do to children, but at the same time, I know I deserve better. I don't know whether to believe him or not. To be quite honest, I read this and I think to myself, What on earth am I thinking.....