When someone sees things that aren't there - what to do?

[Mmmicecream]

Not sure if this is the best place to post, but here goes ...

I have a family member who often seems to jump to conclusions about how the rest of us are treating and talking about her and her husband and kids, and seems to have developed a real chip about everyone looking down on them and not caring about them etc.

It all came to a head last week when we had a conversation and I (so I am told) implied awful things about her and her DH, which is part of the way I always act and so on. I only found out about this when she went cold on me and I asked someone else what was going on. When I spoke to her about it, she told me that I'd implied some unpleasant things, and that her and her DH were both unhappy with me. I don't think she would have talked to me about it at all if I hadn't brought it up.

Thing is, I didn't say anything, and nor do I think them either - I don't look down on her, and the things I did say were totally taken out of context and misunderstood (ie I said I thought my BIL and my DH were good at something, she thought I was saying that her DH wasn't if that makes sense)

I ended up apologizing that I'd said something to upset her because i didn't know what else to do to make things OK again, and while she's accepted my apology I now find myself frustrated and cross because I still haven't received any acknowledgement that she may have blown things out of proportion. It feels like she's determined to be the victim no matter what. And, it's almost impossible to talk to her about it, as she hates talking things through. Instead I get little snippets of information from other people about how upset she is about various things (or in one case reading about it on a forum) which is really tough and frustrating.

And now I don't know what to do to stop this happening again, and apparently have her DH upset at me for these things I apparently said to her about him! We're close family members so this makes for such an awkward and upsetting situation. Plus - I want to get on, I really do.

Any advice?

Avoid like the plague, only talk to her if you have a witness.

Its not you, its this family member. It is not your fault that this person behaves the ways she does; you did not make her that way.

You will never be able to have anything like a normal healthy functioning relationship with someone like the person you describe. Not all people are nice let along emotionally healthy.

You need to raise your boundaries a lot higher with regards to this particular individual and consider carefully how much you actually need to see this person at all along with her H. I would be having as little contact as possible.

Thanks for your advice, it's certainly food for thought

I agree with others , stay away as much as possible. Don't let her tell you what you've said or apparently implied , you know what you've said, and so does she. If it happens again I think I would be very clear that if she is upset I expect her to say directly instead of whinging to others. I wouldn't apologise for something that didn't happen. It's a horrible game and she will totally exploit the fact you want to get on.

She sounds horribly manipulative.

Stop apologising.

If someone wants to behave like a dick, don't go round on bended knee begging for forgiveness.

Sounds really like she just likes drama and attention and the thrill of the power of making you apologise.

tbh, I'd just pretend I hadn't noticed the cold shoulder and just get on with my life.

You have to ask yourself is it really worth the hassle of bothering with a person?

What's she making you look like? oh, she said such awful things I'm so upset oh she's apologised now - what are people to think but that you are the person she is portraying you as?

If she tells other people stuff, you just calmly say well, I don't know where she got that from because I said nothing at all.

And don't talk to her about anything. Ever. Weather and wallpaper only if you have to

Like the joke says..... 'just because you have paranoia, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you' :)

You can't reason with an unreasonable person. If they want to think they're under attack, let them enjoy the delusion. Only intervene if it is directly affecting you and yours. Otherwise leave them be because you won't win this one.

My ex did this. He'd get offended at things he thought I was thinking! FFS, how do you even start to defend yourself when someone is determined you do/don't think/feel something?!? It was a hopeless situation and one I am sooooo glad to be out of! I think he was projecting his feelings onto me and being incredible fragile in the self-esteem department and so extremely defensive (I'll push them away before they can hurt me). Bottom line is, you can't have a good relationship with people like this and so avoid, or keep it to a minimum and don't take them personally.

I have something like this going on with a 'friend'. I've even apoliogised, but didn't know what for.

I've decided to distance myself from her. I know its her, not me. Its difficult, but not as difficult as being on the receiving end of her malicious comments when I have done nothing

I am in exactly the same boat - same close family etc but my situation has been going on for years (more fool me I guess) I now spend my time, ( in order to keep the wider family peace) regularly getting in contact to ask about how her family are what has she been up to, hope the children are ok, hope she is doing ok etc, ask if I can help with anything. I never get asked anything in return, not even a simple how are your children.
Their family had free range of our house one week when theirs was being extended, because they were all so stressed and I thought it would be a nice thing to do as we were on holiday.
No thanks whatsoever and no reciprocation of any type of help, since, even though I have very small children. If I don't make all this effort, family gatherings become very uncomfortable and I often go home feeling dreadful. It's clear that she only behaves this way to myself and my other half. It's been very very draining for however many years, and very sad really as I would actually really like us to get on, but more often than not, I just feel like a piece of sh1t on her shoe.
I am only telling you this, as it is a truly awful situation to be in, and now is probably the time, as said above, to distance yourselves from these family members so you don't start to feel like this is your doing somehow or you fault.

Incidentally, if you distance yourself you will also cause this bizarre little person offence. :) It's no win so do whatever it takes to make you happy - including being horrible to them if you fancy - and let them seethe on their own time.

Did she start a thread about you on mumsnet?

OK. Stop apologising. It won't help, it will make her feel vindicated - as will ignoring her. So you can't win.

I wish I had started using a short phrase when SIL started this, donkey's years ago. I should have always said "What, again?" whenever anyone mentioned she was pissed off with me.

It took about 10 years, but I did eventually just tell her to fuck off. DH remembers the phrase as "Fuck off you tiresome cow", which made him laugh. I would assume it made her certain I am the supercilious bitch she always said I was. But to be honest I couldn't give a monkey's and she thought that anyway!

14 years of no contact later and she still annoys me - which gives you an idea of how vile she is/was.

This is the exact way my mother used to behave

eg. I decided (when I was an adult) to get my teeth straightened

Her response was to choose to be offended by this as "it's not like we didn't have your teeth straightened as a child" ie. me getting them straightened was telling the world that they were terrible parents

many, many more examples of this

my sister's favourite retort to people like this is "if you've chosen to take offence, I can't help that"

it is very draining OP and you won't "win" - just nod, smile and stop apologising

If you're walking on eggshells, avoid the person.

If you can't avoid the person - stamp on those eggshells hard.

You shouldn't have to apologise when you've done nothing wrong. And trying not to offend someone who is that sensitive, well, you'll end up in a sort of tyranny trying to watch everythign you say and do to not offend them. It's not worth it. So say what you want, be yourself, and if they get offended, like someone said upthread just answer "what, again?"

I used to have this with my sister. It's extremely exhausting constantly trying to defend yourself against charges that are so intangible, and pretty much the figment of someone else's imagination. The thing is, if she feels you look down on her, then it makes no difference whether you do or you don't - you can't win. It's real to her. And if you try to persuade her otherwise you'll get it in the neck for being patronising or dismissive, for belittling her feelings or for gaslighting her.

My DSis has always been convinced her whole life that I am the favourite/golden child and nothing will persuade her otherwise. (totally not true BTW, for all my parents' faults they always treated us completely equally.)

But DSis feels that my mum is all over me like a rash and couldn't give a stuff about her and her family. Of course this has become a self-fulfilling prophesy in recent years because my DSis can be quite shirty with my mum, as a result of her insecurities. This then makes my mum feel uncomfortable and 'got at' and rejected by my DSis, and means inevitably that she spends more time with because I invite her I don't give her such a hard time!

Just as it is with my sister, I am sure all this says far more about your sister's insecurities and envy etc than it says about you. All you can do accept that she has deep seated inferiority issues and disengage a bit from her to protect yourself. Perhaps write her a nice, gentle but honest letter if she won't discuss it face to face, and tell her that you love her but you are tired of having apologise for things that you haven't done/said/thought, and that you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells around her all the time. Say that you really want to be friends but that you can't solve this for her - it has to come from within herself.

And then just take a step back. I'm not saying ignore/avoid her completely, but see a bit less of her, and when you do see her, emotionally disengage and allow her tantrums and accusations to be water off a duck's back. It's the only way.

Oh, god, there's one like this in my family too, she's caused massive rifts and endless shit. I've gone nc, or at least tried to, but her dp has just kicked off again with other family members. It is indeed, tiresome. Does it help to know you're not alone, OP? Because I certainly feel better having read this thread!

Thanks SO much - I feel much better and less like an awful person. We will see each other at family things, but I am going to work on feeling ok and ignoring the knives thrown at my back and all my apparent 'faults'.

It does feel better that I'm not alone as well. I think insecurity probably is a big part of the issue, as well as a need for attention from our parents - it tends to be our Mum and Aunt who are told about all of these things I'm doing wrong.

Don't drink if this happens again I think I'll do what you suggested re the letter

And I don't know if she started a thread on MN about me -probably-- but I did stumble upon one on another forum relating to something I'd put on FB a couple of years earlier.

What someone mentions upthread about drama resonates with me too - I can't help but wonder if it's a coincidence that this all coincided with a weekend where lots of family members traveled to attend an event I was hosting, so her issues certainly dominated parts of my event

I doubt it was a coincidence, the mad bitch insecure attention-seeker in my family does it too. She's just done a tour of other family members and shown them all how lovely she is, to the point where a sister said what a shame we don't talk. Well, yes, dsis, but you don't know the half of it.

I used to have sympathy with her, she does have a difficult background and upbringing, but she's taken and taken and taken with never a word of thanks, demanded "stuff", threatened consequences (but of course she wouldn't actually do that because she's much too nice really) but the sheer drama over the past couple of years is wearing, and I'm too old for playground antics.

You have my sympathy, OP, but I have no advice to give. :(

Weddings , funerals , parties are always about them. They can usually be found outside or in the toilets snivelling to naive sympathisers.

It might be worth telling your other relatives to stop relaying this information to you.

Amazing how there are alot like this, I have someone in my family like this too, shocking how common it is in others.

My ex and his family are all like this. They're so vicious as well when they decide to verbally attack me about how I've 'hurt' them.

Best to disengage as others have suggested. Only talk to her in a group situation. It sounds like she has serious issues to take something so out if context.

Of*

Yup, one of my sisters too. In fact it's only over the past few years that the rest of us (3 other sisters and Mother) have slowly come to realise that she does it to all of us. As none of us are like it, we can't think how she came to be so paranoid.

Take this year's birthday present as a small example. I ask what she would like. She replies, 5 kilos of Epsom salts. Me, trying to imagine why she would want so much, email saying 'Wow! You must really love the stuff!'

She instantly emails back saying 'What exactly do you mean by that? What are you implying?'

I replied, 'Nothing, just a turn of phrase'. Sent the stuff, no thanks or anything. That was in May and she has only just contacted me and that was because she is moving!

So, do they all need help do you think? Not something that crossed my mind until I read this thread.

I used to have this with my sister. It's extremely exhausting constantly trying to defend yourself against charges that are so intangible, and pretty much the figment of someone else's imagination. The thing is, if she feels you look down on her, then it makes no difference whether you do or you don't - you can't win. It's real to her. And if you try to persuade her otherwise you'll get it in the neck for being patronising or dismissive, for belittling her feelings or for gaslighting her.

hrm. One sister went crazy at me a couple years ago, 6 months of viciously nasty mails until I had enough and said don't contact me again.

don'tdrink's post just summed up what was at the bottom of it, I think. It was a no-win situation, whatever I said, whatever explanation or attempts to cool the situation I made were met with You're Wrong! I couldn't figure it out. Hrrrrm. Thanks =)