Girlfriend won't get married

[Queenofwands]

I met my girlfriend over 3 years ago. She was in her mid thirties and I several years older. She was from my home town and for two years I commuted before getting a new job and moving back. I sold my place I had with an ex and we have been living with her parents. She is an only child and struggled with her sexuality for many years.. She had exclusively had relationships/ dates with men in her twenties which she would quickly finish because it was not natural for her. She had several flings with women before I met her. My problem is that she has a small family who are obsessed with what other people think. Although in the main they have supported her and have made me very welcome in their home it is on the basis that she is very discreet about her sexuality to others. I have been out and proud since I was a teenager and it feels like I have gone back in time. My own family love my gf and have been highly supportive of the relationship. So the issue is I want to buy a house together and get married. We both have good jobs and savings and could even afford to buy a small place for cash. We get on really well and I know that we are both very happy...sex life fantastic and we both think we have met our soul mate....but it feels like she is tied to the apron strings and she says she would marry me but is scared of making waves with her family. She also says she can't leave home just now because of difficulties in her family ......but part of me thinks she will always have issues leaving......any advice welcome.

So you're in your forties and you moved in with her parents? Why on earth did you do that? I couldn't think of anything worse!

I think you're on a losing ticket with this one. The problems she has in coming out publicly don't seem like they'll go away. It's very strange that her family will have you staying there but won't support a formal relationship. Do you talk to her parents about your future at all?

you are both currently living with her parents?
So they understand the nature of your relationship?
Sorry, I am confused

Sounds like you're in ultimatum territory really. People dodge commitment for all kinds of reasons. 'My family don't approve' is an interesting twist but if her family's prejudices are more important to her than you are, no matter how soul-matey you may be, it's an incompatibility you are not going to overcome.

I don't know if it's a deal-breaker for you but it probably ought to be.

Sorry to be blunt, but as you have proposed (or explicitly discussed marriage) and she has said no, then she does not want to marry you.

You now need to decide if you want to continue in this relationship, accepting the limits on it, or if you want a different future.

Would you stay in home town now, regardless of relationship? If so, then consider buying a property just for yourself. If not sure, the. You need to find time and space to think about what sort of future you do want.

@jasper... I expect the parents explain it simply as their DD having a friend to stay.

The parents know we are couple and are fine about it but don't want neighbours, distant relatives etc to know. She is very out in work and always asks me to join her for drinks etc she has introduced me to all her workmates and even has a photo of us on her desk . Her father works away and mother spends a lot of time away with a sick relative but it's still not good. I think she gets manipulated but is very close to family and doesn't see it that way. She is very attractive and would have met someone a long time ago.. I think it's a shame it took her so long to come out. The wedding thing is about going public with the family. I feel sorry for her but it's hard for me. Asks for home town my family are here and I am very close to them but work wise I would probably move away if not for gf. Thanks for your replies...

I'd be astonished if the neighbours hadn't already twigged that the pair of you are gay! Why are you colluding with all this?

Cogito... I don't know. Of course the neighbours know... As do extended family I'm sure. The hold her family ( mother) have over her was strong enough for her to stop her being herself for years.

I am in a similar situation with my GF who had never had a relationship with a woman before. She has children and doesn't want them to know. I think she's also worried about what friends and her sister would think.

I started another thread asking for advice but I do know that I can't have a LTR with someone where its a secret from important people in our lives.

I think you need to sit and explain to her how the current situation makes you feel. Is it about marriage? Or would you be happy not to get married for now as long as things were a bit more open? Cogitio is right about this being ultimatum territory.

Then I go back to the ultimatum.... 'I'm going to buy a house and I want us to live together in it and be open about our relationship. If you don't join me, I'll miss you, but I'm not prepared to keep skulking around pretending to be something I'm not'.

Would she agree to moving out to live together - maybe renting - with just the two of you? It's a big jump to go straight from your parents home to your own and marriage all in one go, and maybe she'd feel more autonomous once she's not under their roof.

But depends how importance marriage is to you.

The marriage isn't as important as the house tbh. I agree with Cogito re the ultimatum.... I am too old to play this game. Her Mum sometimes half jokingly calls us the children. She isn't even old enough to be my Mum! Loli I feel for you... Feeling like a dirty secret doesn't do much for your self esteem does it. If this was a man I would think he was a mummy's boy.. But it's my gorgeous funny sexy girlfriend who I love, but I don't see how this can continue on this basis.

Purple...She doesn't want to rent as she says it makes no sense financially. I think I need to buy my own place.... But it is difficult for her family at the moment.

No Queen it definitely doesn't! I think for a short time you can rationalise by telling yourself that it's hard to risk your family's disapproval, especially in a new relationship.

But maybe you are at the same point as me? I look at it and think that if she loved me like she says (and I do her) then why is she putting everybody else's opinions and feelings before mine.

Maybe I don't understand what it's like to be in your GFs situation. I'm happy with my sexuality and don't really care what others think, so it seems odd to me that anyone would choose to please everyone else

Why not buy your own place then, on your own? If there's a future in the relationship then she can move in with you and take it from there. Presumably she's not too fussed about getting on the property ladder herself if she's happy to stay living with her parents.

You have my admiration for managing to live with her and her family as long as you have. My MIL is lovely but I don't think I'd last a week living in her home without needing to scream . It's really not the same as living with your own family

Purple..you made me laugh. MIL is a lovely person apart from the worrying what other people think of her. I think it's an anxiety thing to be honest.

It's really helped seeing all your responses and made me think that maybe I'm putting up with it because deep down it means I am not committed and can walk away if things don't work out. I was with my first girlfriend for a long time and felt quite trapped in that relationship...also my career is very important to me and it would be better for me to live elsewhere. Buying a house would commit me to my current job.

But on the other hand I really wanted to marry her, it has taken me a few months to get over the sense of rejection and I wonder if I have withdrawn a little without realising.

Loli. I do think I have come to the same place as you. I find the internalised homophobia upsetting and also I don't like it that gf is very uncomfortable with lesbians who look boyish. It's all part of the what will people think... I look girly and always have but I don't have an issue with girls that don't. I think it's harder for boyish lesbians and camp gay men and lesbians shouldn't be part of that.

I can relate to this thread so much

I have a girlfriend of 2 years and whereas she's very much out and proud, I'm much more cautious. It's odd, because out the 2 of us, I'm generally speaking, the more confident one. Although she has had relationships with men, she 100% sees herself as gay, whereas as I was basically a straight woman who fell in love with another woman. We're both very feminine too and we don't fit the 'stereotype' and actually, sometimes it makes things more difficult for us. Ie most people would initially just assume that we're just friends and are then quite shocked when it becomes obvious we're more

Anyway, my girlfriend asked me to marry her a year ago and I said no. Not because I don't love her. She is my soulmate and she really is amazing on every level. I do want to marry her, but at the same time I was still coming to terms with my sexuality, as were my family. It's very easy for outsiders to take the fuck em approach. Ie don't care what others think and marry who you love, but when you have people in your family who are still only half accepting your relationship, it's very hard to imagine marrying your partner in front of them, whilst they're maybe wishing you weren't marrying them in the first place. I know this will sound crazy to some people, but when you're living it, it's very different. We do experience homophobia and it's awful sometimes. This is just my situation of course, but maybe how you see things isn't the same as she sees them. I really hope it works out well for both of you.

I have thought about this issue before, and I couldn't go out with someone who was closeted. I know of people in a 7 year relationship who still haven't come out to one set of parents, even though the parents clearly know! It's not spoken about.

I think it's a matter of self-acceptance, and is a personal journey. I've gone through it myself and would struggle to have the patience to go through it with someone else, although we do strange things for love.

If I were you I think I'd buy somewhere on my own and move in. Tell your gf she can do as she pleases but you'd rather do it together. It's fairly ridiculous that you're living with her parents - how do you get any privacy?! You must have the patience of a saint.

Thanks for the reply breaking...

It's funny but the reasons you have given are exactly those of my gf. She has a large of group of friends who are straight and is out to them all . When they have their monthly girls night they are very welcoming to me when I pick her up. It's the awkwardness around her family that's the problem. I do believe she loves me, she treats me so well and we are great together.

The difficulty is I have been out for 25 years and I think I have forgotten a lot of my own journey. I also think I have been going on about it a bit to her about the whole situation and I am worried that I sound like a broken record. She says she will marry me but the timing isn't right....it's a hard one.

It must be difficult for you if you have been straight and people have certain expectations of you. I can also relate to the girly invisibility issue... Great to go under the radar but not so great when you get chatted up by blokes when you go out as a couple. I give the death stare but she gets on well with men and is friendly. ( She is 100 per cent lesbian sexually).

She is getting a lot better...she used to die when we booked into hotels etc but now she's very blasé. She still won't hold hands in public but she is becoming more comfortable by the day. I think she needs time but If there is no change in next 6 months I will have to think again. I will try not to moan too much in the meantime.

Breaking... How has this issue affected your relationship, since you said No? Does your partner cast it up to you?

Ember, we are in the house alone every other night.... But it's the little things like going to the bathroom in the night and having to wear a nightdress that bug me. And not being able to snuggle up when we watch TV. My own Mum who is very wise said that she lived with my dad's parents for a time and hated it but he loved it as he got the best of both worlds.

I do feel like I'm living a strange life..washing done, no housework... Her Mum even changes our bedding! I have gone from a two hour each way commute and running my own home ( with cleaner admittedly) to a short drive to work together and one or the other providing for my every need. I speak to some women in work who don't even have time to shower and I feel guilty for moaning...but it also feels odd. Especially since I left my own home at a very young age.

You are clearly pretty close so it seems bizarre that you haven't worked this one through by now. What does she want? Her parents have a clearly shrewd idea about your relationship. Do you any of you really care about what distant relatives and neighbours think of the situation?

It sounds more an issue of your GF's relationship with her own parents. You have to decide if you are happy with this slightly infantalised relationship - they sound pretty decent and it's obviously working to some extent with you.

I agree with ember - find your own place and take it from there.

I think my GF and her mum are very close. Dad has always worked away and her mum is struggling with being a carer. I concede it would be difficult for my Gf to move away at the moment because of the sick relative. My GF has suggested buying a house together now and renting it out for a year until matters resolve at home.

I know 100 per cent if I bought somewhere and moved in my girlfriend would follow me straight away. She hates it when I stay overnight with work. I just don't want to force her hand because it would upset her if she couldn't be there for her mum. I don't want my happiness at the expense of hers that's the problem.

Her Mum had a major falling out with her sister who was negative to my GF about her sexuality and although they are all Okay now, it did cause a lot of problems in the family. GF is happy that her auntie has changed her attitude and is close to her young cousins who we often take on days out and weekend breaks etc. I think she doesn't want to drag all that up again and just wants peace.

I have to add GF is very good to my Mum and family. GF Mum also gets on very well with my Mum.

I had a hard life in my twenties struggling in a problematic relationship with little money far away from home. For these reasons I do appreciate the positives of my current lifestyle. We have several foreign holidays a year, a nice car, and we have access to a holiday home quite close if we want to get away for the weekend. I just can't shake this feeling I'm in limbo, and I am scared GF will never leave.

Well I say I was a straight woman, but looking back, I think I just fell into the 'norm' and as I said, I've always been very feminine and so I attracted a lot of male attention growing up, soI just assumed that I should be with a man. I didn't know any gay women who didn't fit the stereotype, so when I did find a woman attractive, I put it down more as admiration or even jealousy. Sexuality is so complicated. I think for some, they always knew, whereas with others, it can take years before you've figured it out

After I said no, I told her why. I made it very clear that it wasn't because I didn't want to commit, I just wanted to be able to announce it properly and for people to actually be genuinely happy and not just congratulate us and smile through gritted teeth. I know it's their problem, but a day as special as your wedding day needs to be without any negativity attached to it. For example, if my mum started crying, like she did at my sisters wedding, would her tears at my wedding really be of sadness, rather than joy. .... My girlfriend took it surprisingly well, but I felt terrible as you can imagine. I just wished everyone could realise that marriage is simply about declaring your commitment and love, ideally in front of your friends and family, and that gender is irrelevant. Unfortunately, I don't think we're there yet. The thing is, even if my girlfriend knew there were people at the wedding who didn't approve, she genuinely wouldn't give a fuck. That's the right way to be, I know that. I just wish I didn't care what others thought.

She is an only child? In her mid-thirties, still living at home??

Tbh, I think her struggles with how out to be are the least of your worries. She's never going to leave! This relative could be sick for years more - and when they die then the parents could be getting poorly. And no other siblings to share the burden.

I'd wake up and smell the coffee. You need to make arrangements for yourself. Pronto. And then she can decide what she does. But don't be suprised if she does nothing. You can have a soul mate and still feel like your duty to your parents trumps everything.

It seems a little bit strange that her family are so at ease with your relationship that they are comfortable living with the two of you as a couple, but still so nervous about others finding out. I wonder if that means that while it is easier for them to keep things as they are, they'd actually cope quite well if you were completely open with wider family and friends.

I also don't quite get the situation with the sick relative, surely your gf could offer more or less the same amount of support to her mum without actually living there (it doesn't sound as if the relative lives with you all)?

I would move out if I were you, that will force things forward. If you aren't sure about whether things will work out or you'll stay in the area, rent a one bed on a 6 month lease or 12 months with 8 month break clause. It might not make the greatest sense financially but sometimes it has to be done.