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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Girlfriend won't get married

39 replies

Queenofwands · 04/10/2014 13:58

I met my girlfriend over 3 years ago. She was in her mid thirties and I several years older. She was from my home town and for two years I commuted before getting a new job and moving back. I sold my place I had with an ex and we have been living with her parents. She is an only child and struggled with her sexuality for many years.. She had exclusively had relationships/ dates with men in her twenties which she would quickly finish because it was not natural for her. She had several flings with women before I met her. My problem is that she has a small family who are obsessed with what other people think. Although in the main they have supported her and have made me very welcome in their home it is on the basis that she is very discreet about her sexuality to others. I have been out and proud since I was a teenager and it feels like I have gone back in time. My own family love my gf and have been highly supportive of the relationship. So the issue is I want to buy a house together and get married. We both have good jobs and savings and could even afford to buy a small place for cash. We get on really well and I know that we are both very happy...sex life fantastic and we both think we have met our soul mate....but it feels like she is tied to the apron strings and she says she would marry me but is scared of making waves with her family. She also says she can't leave home just now because of difficulties in her family ......but part of me thinks she will always have issues leaving......any advice welcome.

OP posts:

livelablove · 04/10/2014 23:52

One thing you might consider is whether you might want kids together. If either of you want that you really need to have a home together and even if not married to be fully committed to the relationship.

antimatter · 04/10/2014 23:58

Has your MIL discussed not wanting others to know about your relationship or all you know is coming from your GF?

TheBug · 05/10/2014 00:06

Buy the house - I think she will follow and it will be a relief to her to do so.

With getting married, there's a strong argument for just doing it. I bet her parents will find it easier than they expect and look back and wonder what they were worrying about.

Original poster

Queenofwands · 05/10/2014 01:06

Annarose That's my biggest fear... Her Mum had her young but still I take the point.

The sick relative is GF Nan who needs 24 hour care in her own home. MIL shares the care and is very anxious about house being empty overnight.

Btw GF did leave home once ...she was seeing a girl (not seriously and girl was a player ) and she got her own flat a few years back. She spent 6 nights in the flat in the 4 months she had it. What I found odd when I met her was she said I can't believe I hurt mum by moving out for her.... Warning bells. I think her mum would be gutted if she left.

I have been looking at houses today and they are shooting up. I need to get back on the ladder.

livable I am too old to have kids now, and gf has never wanted them.

MIL rushes me in so I don't talk to neighbours, and explicitly says don't talk in living room as x listens through the wall etc..Also she doesn't want her sister to know I live here so I when she comes I stay upstairs. I am not even sure it's the gay thing she is the same herself.. A bit paranoid.

Breaking, your girlfriend sounds considerate...I think you will find it easier in time.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 05/10/2014 01:32

Wow... you are treated like a dirty secret who has to hide upstairs when your betters come around.

Did you and your girlfriend put a time limit on living with her parents? Is that how you want to live the rest of your life?

breakingtradition · 05/10/2014 09:38

Hmm the more I read, the more I change my mind. I can relate to some of what your girlfriend is feeling, although our circumstances are very different. However, I think you are putting up with way too much. Having to sleep on another floor because of her sister?! No. That is too far. It must make you feel awful.

Annarose2014 · 05/10/2014 11:17

Warning bells.....red flags.....flipping Tannoys blaring at you there.

Sorry, hon. You need to buy your own place. Maybe you can continue your relationship with her staying over in yours the odd night. Or maybe that'll be just not enough at your age - I wouldn't blame you, tbh. But at least you'll have your independance.

Original poster

Queenofwands · 05/10/2014 14:03

I don't sleep in another floor..... Gf auntie pops round for 5 mins at most every month or so ....I stay upstairs. I prefer not to see her but it feels odd anyway. I go round her house to pick kids up and she is friendly.

Thanks all for your advice. I spoke to GF last night. She said she would be happy to leave when situation with Nan resolves. I have made the decision to buy a house and see what happens. I am 100 PC she will go with me, if she doesn't then it was still the right decision.

My opinion is she feels overly responsible for her Mum. I think I need to help her finally make the break and star her own her own life. By staying here I am enabling things. What would have happened if she had met a man and wanted children?

I am nervous because it means me putting down roots and I am used to travelling around with my work, but my mum is getting older and I have a big extended family who I would like to keep in my life. I have a lot of support here and whilst I am very ambitious I do love my current job.

Thanks for your advice ... I am smelling the coffee!

OP posts:

IndianBlueGlass · 05/10/2014 15:34

Great, sounds like you know what you have to do. You might feel like you're forcing her hand, and you will clearly be taking a bit of a risk, but the situation in gf's house sounds all wrong (banished upstairs when auntie visits? Seriously?).

Having your own property will benefit both of you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/10/2014 15:54

I think your latest post has it - this isn't about her sexuality at all, that is a convenient hook to hide behind the fact she hasn't 'separated' properly from her mother.

Thing is, when she eventually does, will she expect you to pick up the slack?

I think you have to move on with your plans. I wouldn't stress about the marriage thing, I would focus on getting your own place. And when you do, she'll either come with you, or she won't. And that will be your decision.

Sorry OP, it doesn't sound like a great situation for you - or for her either tbf. There's a whole life out there and she is spending it glued to her mother's side

Original poster

Queenofwands · 05/10/2014 16:39

GF and I had a big row today, she said I was putting her under pressure she couldn't cope etc. I stuck to my guns about buying a house and she said that there was no way she wanted me to move out on my own and if it was a choice between losing me and leaving home she would leave. We have been on right move looking at properties and we are booking appointments for next weekend. There was one we both really like with a gym ( she is a bit of a fitness freak) and to be fair she seemed genuinely excited.

She's not a lazy person and does all my ironing etc so I am not worried about picking up slack. I am the one who is not very domesticated but she's too fussy about how things are done to have a cleaner so I will have to pull my finger out more ....but small price to pay.

Thanks Mumsnet for giving me the strength to put my foot down. I still feel a bit daunted by the commitment but I can't carry on living like a teenager however nice PIL are.

OP posts:

temporaryusername · 05/10/2014 19:00

Well done OP, don't be deterred because it sounds like your GF is going to have a few moments of doubt and protest at least but just stick to your plans.

I agree that this would have been the same if she had wanted to live with a man or even a flatmate, this is obviously about her relationship with her mum. It may be a bumpy transition but it sounds like it could all work out for the best.

TheBug · 06/10/2014 00:31

She needs to cut the apron strings but perhaps you can help by handing her the scissors

BlueBrightBlue · 06/10/2014 00:54

I know of a couple of lesbian couples who live together but are not publicly " out".
I find this so sad as everyone knows and accepts they are gay and it makes it a bit uncomfortable when they refer to each other as housemates or lodgers.
The only people who have an issue with their sexuality are themselves.
OP, has your girlfriend been upfront to her family about you being a couple and are her parents " skirting" around the issue because she has been evasive in telling them where you both stand in this relationship.
Elephant in the room et al.
Does that make any sense?

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